Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for so many things in my life, despite living with Migraine disease.

I've written about gratitude several times before, as I truly am blessed beyond measure:

• Blessed Beyond Measure
• Thankful
• Pain & Gratitude
• In My Head & Heart

I'm so thankful for having a place to call home... for having food and drink... for having a God that's always with me and loves me unconditionally... for having such an amazing husband, and for him having a good job (and good insurance)... for having a wonderful family... for having a sweet Honey Bee... and for so much more.

Since having chronic migraines, I've found myself noticing and feeling gratitude for even the "little things" - for being able to eat a full meal... for being able to take my dog outside... for being able to help cook dinner... for some days, it's being strong enough to know that I need help / assistance, asking for it, and allowing someone (usually my husband) to help me... and for completing micro-tasks that others so often take for granted.

I'm so grateful that God has allowed me to be more mindful and thankful for the amazing gifts and blessings that He's placed into my life.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM), as well as the November Headache Carnival.

Being Mindful: Living in the Present

Mindfulness is "a state of active, open attention on the present. When you're mindful, you observe your thoughts and feelings from a distance, without judging them good or bad. Instead of letting your life pass you by, mindfulness means living in the moment and awakening to experience" (Psychology Today).

Living in the present moment has never been something that comes easy to me... I have a difficult time taking time to be still, calm, and in the present moment - to "rest in stillness—to stop doing and focus on just being" (Kabat-Zinn). I've always been a planner. I was always looking ahead to the future. But, with the chronic, debilitating pain has come complete uncertainty.

I'm learning how to truly "enjoy the moment... Living in the present moment is a wonderful... though sometimes a difficult and painful... lesson to learn" (Lessons: Learning From Life With Chronic Pain). But, it's a gift / lesson that I'm learning along the journey of life with chronic pain.

A dear friend of mine messaged me, in the midst of me having a panic attack (I'm proud of myself for reaching out for help to get through it), something that really helped me stay centered:

"Remember that you are safe. Look around you. See where you are. Hug Honey Bee. Listen to the noises of the house you are safe... Darling remember pain takes away our perspective. And you are really suffering right now and having memories [I was fighting off PTSD flashbacks]. Try to stay in the moment just for right now" (Kelly at Fly With Hope).

What beautiful words of truth. Pain really does take away our perspective. And, if we're an already anxious-natured person, the pain + anxiety = a very distorted perspective. With so many possibilities, scenarios, etc constantly racing through one's mind, it can nearly drive a person mad. Untypically Jia wrote a great post along these lines (Being Mindful of the Present). Here's a snapshot from the post:

I've often described OCD as a computer in your head that is constantly running future scenarios in order to find the best/safest/easiest route to follow. It's a GPS that is aware of every stoplight, car crash, traffic jam, road construction, detour and flock of baby ducks crossing the road. It's exhausting. 

Anyone with Fibromyalgia [or other chronic illness] will tell you that planning ahead is difficult because you never know when you'll run into a flare up of symptoms that can be anywhere from mildly annoying, to completely debilitating.

[... Finding that] my inner OCD computer jammed and the future disappeared in front of me. Without the future ahead of me to plan in great detail, I turned and looked back on the past.

[...] With a past full of unanswered questions and a future with limited visibility, I found myself stuck in the present. It felt like quicksand and the more I struggled to accept it, the faster I was sinking.

So I stopped struggling.

And immediately I stopped sinking.

This is such an amazing description of OCD, or even just anxiety. It very accurately describes what happens in my mind (I'm getting a little better at silencing the "what-ifs" and stuff, but it's a process). I'd never thought of what exactly my mind has been doing; but it's a good explanation that it's constantly running possible scenarios, and being hyper-vigilant. And, it IS exhausting!

"I have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened" - Mark Twain

I can also relate with my computer jamming and my future disappearing in a moment. I have felt stuck in the present and struggling (and sinking) to try to accept it. It's a cycle, for me, I stop struggling and accept things for a while... then I start struggling and sinking again... and back around. But, it's when I stop struggling that I can truly be present in the moment - "letting go of what you want is the only way to get it" (The Art of Now: Six Steps Living in the Moment).

I have MUCH to learn about mindfulness, so it's a topic that I'm sure I'll bring up again in the future.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Letter to My Mind & Body, Revisited

Today's post is to write a letter to my health. I've written a letter to my mind and body in a previous post, so I'm taking the "easy way out" and linking back to it (here).

I still have all the same questions, except I've now dealt with the chronic migraines for 4 years - so, I've healed from the neurostimulator, but still don't understand why it's not working / helping with my migraines.

I've really tried my best to keep my promise to continue trying to improve and to be more appreciative of how much my mind and body constantly endure. I'd like to renew that promise here and now.

Please take a couple minutes to read the letter to my mind and body.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

It Was A Great Day (10/13/12)

So, I've fallen a little behind with blogging each day, so I'm going to try to get caught up.

* OCTOBER 13, 2012 * was a GREAT day! Here's what I wrote in my journal that day:

Thanks to a 2-day course of corticosteriods, and hitting the pain hard yesterday with some heavy migraine meds... my week-long bad migraine seems to have ended. 

I slept well last night, and woke up feeling good. I got dressed and put on some make-up, and went out ON MY OWN for 3.5 hours - I drove myself! I spent about 2 hours at Hobby Lobby - I felt so creative and free. My creativity was going crazy, which was so great! Then, I went to Best buy for an hour. I found a camera that I really like, and I got 2 blu-rays for Jeremy (an anniversary surprise). I came back home, and Jeremy and I went to Cheddar's for an early anniversary dinner. It was great recounting my afternoon out alone with Jeremy. 

Today was the BEST day I've had in MONTHS (in at least the past 6 months)! Today was such a huge and wonderful BLESSING!!! 

Being able to have some "me time" was great! I had an afternoon of feeling independent, confident, carefree, creative, relaxed. I can't even remember the last time I felt many of those! I wasn't on anyone's timetable (ex: I don't like spending a lot of time at craft stores with Jeremy because I know he'll be bored / miserable). I also wasn't doing something that I felt obligated to do. I just did whatever I felt up to doing, with no guilt or stress. 

* Lord, thank You for blessing me with an amazing day - enjoying myself (alone and with Jeremy) with low pain levels. Prayers of thanksgiving to You, my King. Amen * 

Having a day of low pain levels and higher energy is so wonderful. However, the temptation to go into a frenzy of productivity (ex: clean up, start / finish projects, run errands... try to catch up) is sooo STRONG! It's extremely difficult to stop and rest before pushing too hard.But, it's necessary. I found myself actually feel some fear / anxiety tonight because I don't want this good day to end. But, I'm heading to bed to get rest - maybe I'll be blessed with some more good days.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Thankful, Excited, Inspired

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21)

I've written on the topic of gratitude several times in the past. Here are just a few of my previous posts:

• Blessed Beyond Measure
• Thankful
• Pain & Gratitude
• In My Head & Heart

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever" (Psalm 107:1 & Psalm 136:1)

"Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20)

I'm grateful for so many things. The Lord has truly blessed me. I'm learning to be grateful for even the "little" things or the "little" victories. Living in chronic pain offers the opportunity to show gratitude for things that we may have never even noticed before the pain began or became chronic and/or debilitating.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3:17)

Today's prompt is to write a list of 3 things that I'm thankful for / excited about / or inspired by. I think I'll do a top 3 list for each of these.

3 things I'm thankful for:

• having a generous and merciful God
• the ability and opportunity to share God's gift with others
• our little Honey Bee

3 things I'm excited about:

• my sister coming into town for the holidays
• one of my best friends getting married next summer
• Honey Bee's progress with our new training program

3 things I'm inspired by:

• other chronic pain warriors that I've met online
• my loving family
• my faith / my God

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What are YOU thankful for today?

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

My Struggle With Food & Weight

In the spirit of Disclosure: An Open Book, there's something that I'd like to share.

vintage weight gain ads

I've been struggling so very much with food and weight over the past few years, but in a very different way than most others.

I don't need to lose weight; I desperately need to gain weight.

There's not really an outlet for those that are having difficulty maintaining or gaining weight. Most people just say, "I wish I had that problem." Not to this extent, you don't!

I don't have an eating disorder... well, it's possible that what's happening to me may actually be part of a disorder that I'm not aware of. I've been labeled as anorexic my entire life because I've always been very skinny. I hated that being said about me, especially back in my school days. It's the equivalent of people saying nasty things about people that are overweight (like calling them a pig or whale). It's hurtful! When I was younger, I used to eat and eat and eat, and I was active in sports. I knew I was skinny, but I wasn't afraid of gaining weight. And, I never binged or purged.

My challenges have been different. I know that I need to gain weight. I know what to eat / how to eat well. But, I still can't do it consistently. I also know that I need to work out to regain some of the muscle that I've lost; but I have to get the eating under control, or I won't have enough energy to even think about working out in any capacity. It's a daily battle!

vintage weight gain ads

I sometimes feel a sense of helplessness because I truly am trying my hardest to do what I know I need to do. I don't want to be or stay an unhealthy low weight. I want to be back up to what I was before the accident... it would help with my treatment, too (neurostimulator, medications, etc).

I don't really care for looking at myself in the mirror (I've written about it before in a post called Mirrors). There was a day in late September that I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was frightened. I looked like a skeleton. It scared me, but I still haven't been able to eat more or put on weight.

To be completely honest, part of why I may not be eating enough could be that I fear the debilitating abdominal pain and cramping that I get (due to IBS). People that haven't experienced such wrenching pain simply can't understand. It's such a heavy burden to know that the pain is possible anytime I eat anything.

I've been using a calorie counter app (I finally found one that allows you to set a goal to gain weight). It helps me see just how little / few calories I often intake. After I enter everything in that I've consumed in a day, it'll tell me how much (or little) I'll weigh if I eat like that for five weeks. Seeing that number is sometimes pretty scary. So, I'm trying my hardest to reach the goal caloric intake, but I often feel like I'm just so desperate to meet the calorie goal that I'm actually looking for high calorie foods to eat (which are often very unhealthy).

I have to be very, very mindful about my eating. It's utterly exhausting!!! I hate that it's a daily struggle just to make myself eat (some days are worse / harder than others). I constantly have to fight horrible nausea and often have to try to force-feed myself. But, there are times that I just can't eat - even the thought of eating makes me feel physically sick, and it just worsens with the smell and taste.

But, I'm not giving up! I want to get back to my normal weight. I'm still trying!

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM).