"I'ts about what’s going on in your head in this exact moment. What are you thinking/feeling/seeing/hearing? How do you feel? What’s popping into your head as you take in your surroundings? What conversations or interactions keep running through your mind? Stream of consciousness is about not suppressing these thoughts but letting them flow onto the page, with or without punctuation, without stopping to think about whether you’d chosen the right word or phrased something the right way."
So, here we go... I'm wondering why I can't sleep. Why I'm so anxious. Why things are getting worse. I've been having increasing trouble getting to sleep at night, often taking several hours to fall asleep (even after taking night meds)... and, now, I'm having increasing anxiety about even laying down in bed to try to go to sleep. I've also been having bad nightmares, several of which have had me waking up shaking and upset. I don't know what's causing all of this. I've had problems with sleep before (sometimes almost identical to what I'm experiencing now)... for longer than I care to remember... but, I don't understand this round of stuff.
I'm also feeling anxious about my head pain. I've actually had a fairly good few days, actually this whole week, so far. I've been able to keep the head pain from worsening, even though there have been ups and downs each day. Keeping my head to a 5-6 (on a 10-point scale) has been great this week. Some days, I was able to keep the head pain there, as well as get some things done around the apartment... other days, I had to park myself on the couch and just watch TV / do nothing, in order to keep the pain from worsening. But, I'm proud of myself for the things that I've been able to accomplish this week.
The problem is that these streaks of better days never last. The pain always returns, and it scares me. I don't want to let the fear take over because I'm trying to enjoy the bit of relief that I get, whenever I get it. I still try to pace myself, but I'm also trying to stay in the moment and enjoy feeling even just a little bit better. But, my mind wanders... and the fear comes over me like a wave crashing onto rocks. I don't want to be afraid, but it's so hard not to, when pain has become my "normal."
Right now, I think I'm most afraid of ruining this weekend. Jeremy and I are going to Austin this weekend. We're going to visit / stay with family, and attend a friend's wedding. I want so badly to be able to have a "normal" weekend... at least for my dear husband. My migraines have interfered with so many special events - I've had to miss close friend's weddings, family get-togethers, etc. I hate having to miss these things, and I hate even more when it interferes with one of the few activities / events that Jeremy really wants to attend. I know that he'll be alright and won't blame me or make me feel guilty, if we miss it... but I want to be there for him. He's so good at comforting me when I have to miss important events... I just don't want him to have to be in that position.
Well, I don't know if any of this is made any sense, but there's my 15 minutes of unedited free-writing today. Stream of consciousness day - welcome to the scattered mind of a chronic Migraineur!
This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).