Sunday, December 19, 2010

Strong Enough by Matthew West

I came across this song tonight. It is when we are at our weakest that the Lord is strongest. When times are extremely difficult, we are brought to our knees... take these times to recognize your own weakness and the Lord's strength. He is our rock and our redeemer. The words of this song are so powerful. They are the prayer my heart longs to say... Lord, right now I'm asking you to be strong enough... for the both of us. Amen.

Strong Enough by Matthew West

You must
You must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through

Well, forgive me
Forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own


I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us
Well, maybe
Maybe that's the point
To reach the point of giving up

Cause when I'm finally
Finally at rock bottom
Well, that's when I start looking up
And reaching out

Cause I'm broken
Down to nothing
But I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God
and you are strong
When I am weak

I can do all things
Through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be
Strong enough

Strong enough

Oh, yeah


Friday, December 17, 2010

LTD and Doctors

So, I've been having a horrible case of anticipation/anxiety about my upcoming surgery. It's showing up in my mood and sleep disturbance (i.e., terrible insomnia). I woke up yesterday with a horrible migraine, and then listened to a missed voicemail that spun my day even more out of control...

My long-term disability (LTD) carrier is currently reviewing my claim to determine whether or not they're going to extend my LTD benefits. The nurse that's reviewing my claim called me because they had received information from my headache specialist/neurologist regarding potential for improvement and release for return to work date. My doctor mentioned the former, but not the latter, at my previous appointment with him (at the end of October). Apparently, he put a release for return to work date as 11/29/10!!! WHAT?!?!?! Are you kidding me?! Yes, my permanent neurostimulator was supposed to be implanted on 11/16, but that would only allow 2 weeks for recovery. 2 weeks!!! The doctor that is doing the surgery told me to expect at least a 6 week recovery time. Heck, it took me most of the time I had the trial in (a week) to even start to heal from that... a more minor procedure.

Once I recover, the process isn't done. It's NOT a magic bullet! I'm SOOO sick of everyone thinking that this neurostimulator is going to be implanted and everything is just going to be peachy. Okay, it's possible... but not probable. I'm still on all kinds of meds. So, whether I get off of them or adjust the doses, there's a process of medication adjustment after the surgery recovery.

Why on earth would my doctor even put a date on the form? He's been asked this question on millions of forms for me over the last 19 months. He normally responds by saying something like:  "expected return to date - 6 months, but will have to re-evaluate at that time." I called my doctor's office and expressed my frustration with the situation. I'm still going to bring it up with my doctor at our next appointment (in January) because it really ticks me off!

I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, but I was able to function a little more today than yesterday. I got ahold of my LTD carrier, and talked through the situation with the nurse. She's going to report to my case manager that my claim should be extended and then revisited around the end of January. But, she does't make the decision.

My migraines yesterday was bad... and, to top it off, I ran out of my abortive meds after my second dose. Didn't occur to me to this morning that I could've sent Jeremy to pick up the refill I had my doctor call in to the store for me (his work is giving them 2 weeks off... sure hope this isn't a sign of another job loss). I hate that my mind just stops working altogether like that.

On a more positive note, though. We'll be heading to Texas in the next couple of days, and then I'll be having my surgery on Wednesday. I can't believe it's almost Christmas!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Some Music to Soothe the Soul

Since I've been in a somewhat funky mood lately, I decided to let music soothe my soul a bit tonight. I came across some old favorites and a few new finds. I've posted 2 of the songs on my other blog:  Lead Me to the Cross by Hillsong and You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban. Perhaps I'll post a few of the other songs in the days to come, but 3 is plenty for one day. I hope these songs bless each of you!

This Casting Crowns song is one of the old faves. It always calms my soul and reminds me how blessed I am to have such a loving Savior. Even the Lord of all the earth loves and cares for me. Thanks be to God!

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wondering heart?

Chorus I:

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You are
Chorus II:

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord You catch me when I'm falling
And You told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours
Who am I, that the eyes that see our sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?


Chorus II

Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
'Cause I am Yours, I am Yours

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Considering Medicare

Something made me break today. I received an information packet in the mail about Medicare benefits, since I'll have been receiving Social Security Disability for 2-years in April 2011. I received a form last week to fill out to get reduced premiums for Medicare (though we don't qualify), but it didn't hit me until today. In this packet, there was a Medicare Health Insurance Card with my name and everything on it. That's what hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm only 25 years old! The fact that I'm holding a Medicare card for myself is beyond surreal. I don't even know how to explain it... So, now I'm faced with all these decisions that have to be made now/soon regarding Medicare coverage.

My permanent neurostimulator implant surgery is a week from tomorrow, and I have no idea what life will look like once it's in and I really have a chance to heal from the surgery. I'm trying to balance hopeful and realistic...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Still Sick

Well, I'm still sick, but my wonderful husband drove down to Texas to pick me up (this past weekend) and bring me back home to Oklahoma to spend the next couple of weeks with him. I've missed him, and I've missed our apartment. In two weeks, I'll have my neurostimulator implanted... and my husband will be referring to me as his "cyborg wife."

I wish I had something of substance to write about... but between my sinus infection and migraines, my mind is like MUD.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Approved & 'Who Am I'

Renewed hope...
Answered prayers...
Lingering anxiety...
          ...of/for new freedom.
          ...of/for new opportunities.
          ...of/for a new future.
          ...of/for a new life.

I received word today (after a lengthy story of back and forth between me, the insurance company, and the doctor's office)... I've been APPROVED for my permanent implant!!! The surgery won't be until December 22, but I'm SOOO happy that it's finally approved and a date has been set. Merry Christmas to me! :-) Although, I'm not quite sure how I'll feel for the holiday weekend, which usually consists of 3 days going from family party to family party (4 parties) and Christmas Eve service at church. I'm just so relieved that I'm going to be getting it implanted before the new year! So, now I've just got to work on getting over this horrible sinus infection (and stopping these recurring migraines) and getting my immune system as strong as possible, so that my surgery and recovery will go as smoothly as possible.

I appreciate all of the prayers that have been lifted up, and I would ask that you continue to keep me in your prayers as I wait for, go through, and recover from the surgery / procedure.
Below is a song that I have always loved, but it really touched my heart today when I ran across it on YouTube.

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.


Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
Cause I am yours.
I am yours...

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Still Sick and Waiting

A frustrating and stressful few days/weeks have left me wondering "WHY?" Why does it seem that things just seem to fall in place for some people... other people? I feel like my life it stuck in a muddy paste.

Here's where life stands right now...

I'm still sick as a dog. I went back to my doctor today. He said the steroid shot and the antibiotic I got last week don't seem to have killed the infection, so I'm on a different antibiotic and continuing the cough syrup I've been on.

I've been a few rounds with my doctor's office and the insurance company. I've been super-frustrated with things. And, quite possibly the only thing keeping me from completely flying off the handle is the fact that I'm sick, and it wouldn't be a good idea to have surgery with my body fighting an infection like it is (has been) right now. So, I'm still waiting.

  • "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)
  • "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
  • "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
  • “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
  • "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
  • "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help
  • you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
Disclaimer: Nothing on this blog is intended as medical or legal advice.

What I write on this site is my own, and if it is someone else's, I take special care to attribute it to the original author. So, please don't use any of my material without proper attribution or permission. Thanks.