Thursday, March 31, 2011

Letter to My Mind & Body

I haven't posted in quite a while... partially because I was busy and out of town, and partially because I just haven't felt inspired to write. Phylor wrote a letter to herself and suggested it to her readers, so I thought I'd give it a go...

Dear Mind & Body:

I want so badly to help you feel better, but I don't know or understand what you want from me or what you're trying to tell me. Why do you keep sending me mixed / unclear signals?

Why do various treatments seem to work for a short amount of time, and then they stop? After years of trying so many different medications (I hate putting so many chemicals into you!), we had the neurostimulator trial, which resulted in zero migraines for a week - successful (yay!). But, since I had the permanent stimulator implanted, you've had a difficult time recovering and working with the device.

How do you expect me to eat well and exercise at all, when you're constantly in a state of panic? I know that you're sensitive to light, so we have dimmed lighting, dark curtains, dark sunglasses, tinted windows, etc. I know that you're sensitive to sound, so we have volumes turned down and I limit exposure to crowded or loud areas. I do my best to stay away from smells (such as perfumes and candles) and tastes that bother you. I know that you ache all over, so I sit/rest/take breaks/etc. much more often than I used to. I do all of these things to make you feel better, but you don't respond well at all. Am I not making enough changes? ...not making the right changes?

Why do you not enjoy the things you used to? I know you had problems with depression before all of this pain, and I know that the depression is worse now; but that doesn't mean that you just shouldn't feel positive things anymore. You seem fine feeling anger, sadness, depression, fear, guilt, etc. Why do you block joy, happiness, excitement, etc?

Why are you preventing me from being able to read and write? I used to love reading and writing. I used to be so smart, and now I can barely follow a short article or conversation. My cognitive functioning seems so impaired that I feel stupid a lot of the time. Have you lost the ability to do the things I'm struggling with...or is it the illness...or the medications?

But, with all that said... I admire you for all that you've been through! The past 2.5 years have been horribly challenging, and you've endured so much. I'm doing my best to take care of you. I'm continually learning more about migraines and possible treatments (both conventional and complimentary). I promise to keep trying to improve, and to be more appreciative of how much you constantly endure.

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