Letter to My Mind & Body, Revisited

Today's post is to write a letter to my health. I've written a letter to my mind and body in a previous post, so I'm taking the "easy way out" and linking back to it (here).

I still have all the same questions, except I've now dealt with the chronic migraines for 4 years - so, I've healed from the neurostimulator, but still don't understand why it's not working / helping with my migraines.

I've really tried my best to keep my promise to continue trying to improve and to be more appreciative of how much my mind and body constantly endure. I'd like to renew that promise here and now.

Please take a couple minutes to read the letter to my mind and body.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

It Was A Great Day (10/13/12)

So, I've fallen a little behind with blogging each day, so I'm going to try to get caught up.

* OCTOBER 13, 2012 * was a GREAT day! Here's what I wrote in my journal that day:

Thanks to a 2-day course of corticosteriods, and hitting the pain hard yesterday with some heavy migraine meds... my week-long bad migraine seems to have ended. 

I slept well last night, and woke up feeling good. I got dressed and put on some make-up, and went out ON MY OWN for 3.5 hours - I drove myself! I spent about 2 hours at Hobby Lobby - I felt so creative and free. My creativity was going crazy, which was so great! Then, I went to Best buy for an hour. I found a camera that I really like, and I got 2 blu-rays for Jeremy (an anniversary surprise). I came back home, and Jeremy and I went to Cheddar's for an early anniversary dinner. It was great recounting my afternoon out alone with Jeremy. 

Today was the BEST day I've had in MONTHS (in at least the past 6 months)! Today was such a huge and wonderful BLESSING!!! 

Being able to have some "me time" was great! I had an afternoon of feeling independent, confident, carefree, creative, relaxed. I can't even remember the last time I felt many of those! I wasn't on anyone's timetable (ex: I don't like spending a lot of time at craft stores with Jeremy because I know he'll be bored / miserable). I also wasn't doing something that I felt obligated to do. I just did whatever I felt up to doing, with no guilt or stress. 

* Lord, thank You for blessing me with an amazing day - enjoying myself (alone and with Jeremy) with low pain levels. Prayers of thanksgiving to You, my King. Amen * 

Having a day of low pain levels and higher energy is so wonderful. However, the temptation to go into a frenzy of productivity (ex: clean up, start / finish projects, run errands... try to catch up) is sooo STRONG! It's extremely difficult to stop and rest before pushing too hard.But, it's necessary. I found myself actually feel some fear / anxiety tonight because I don't want this good day to end. But, I'm heading to bed to get rest - maybe I'll be blessed with some more good days.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Thankful, Excited, Inspired

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21)

I've written on the topic of gratitude several times in the past. Here are just a few of my previous posts:

• Blessed Beyond Measure
• Thankful
• Pain & Gratitude
• In My Head & Heart

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever" (Psalm 107:1 & Psalm 136:1)

"Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20)

I'm grateful for so many things. The Lord has truly blessed me. I'm learning to be grateful for even the "little" things or the "little" victories. Living in chronic pain offers the opportunity to show gratitude for things that we may have never even noticed before the pain began or became chronic and/or debilitating.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3:17)

Today's prompt is to write a list of 3 things that I'm thankful for / excited about / or inspired by. I think I'll do a top 3 list for each of these.

3 things I'm thankful for:

• having a generous and merciful God
• the ability and opportunity to share God's gift with others
• our little Honey Bee

3 things I'm excited about:

• my sister coming into town for the holidays
• one of my best friends getting married next summer
• Honey Bee's progress with our new training program

3 things I'm inspired by:

• other chronic pain warriors that I've met online
• my loving family
• my faith / my God

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What are YOU thankful for today?

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

My Struggle With Food & Weight

In the spirit of Disclosure: An Open Book, there's something that I'd like to share.

vintage weight gain ads

I've been struggling so very much with food and weight over the past few years, but in a very different way than most others.

I don't need to lose weight; I desperately need to gain weight.

There's not really an outlet for those that are having difficulty maintaining or gaining weight. Most people just say, "I wish I had that problem." Not to this extent, you don't!

I don't have an eating disorder... well, it's possible that what's happening to me may actually be part of a disorder that I'm not aware of. I've been labeled as anorexic my entire life because I've always been very skinny. I hated that being said about me, especially back in my school days. It's the equivalent of people saying nasty things about people that are overweight (like calling them a pig or whale). It's hurtful! When I was younger, I used to eat and eat and eat, and I was active in sports. I knew I was skinny, but I wasn't afraid of gaining weight. And, I never binged or purged.

My challenges have been different. I know that I need to gain weight. I know what to eat / how to eat well. But, I still can't do it consistently. I also know that I need to work out to regain some of the muscle that I've lost; but I have to get the eating under control, or I won't have enough energy to even think about working out in any capacity. It's a daily battle!

vintage weight gain ads

I sometimes feel a sense of helplessness because I truly am trying my hardest to do what I know I need to do. I don't want to be or stay an unhealthy low weight. I want to be back up to what I was before the accident... it would help with my treatment, too (neurostimulator, medications, etc).

I don't really care for looking at myself in the mirror (I've written about it before in a post called Mirrors). There was a day in late September that I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was frightened. I looked like a skeleton. It scared me, but I still haven't been able to eat more or put on weight.

To be completely honest, part of why I may not be eating enough could be that I fear the debilitating abdominal pain and cramping that I get (due to IBS). People that haven't experienced such wrenching pain simply can't understand. It's such a heavy burden to know that the pain is possible anytime I eat anything.

I've been using a calorie counter app (I finally found one that allows you to set a goal to gain weight). It helps me see just how little / few calories I often intake. After I enter everything in that I've consumed in a day, it'll tell me how much (or little) I'll weigh if I eat like that for five weeks. Seeing that number is sometimes pretty scary. So, I'm trying my hardest to reach the goal caloric intake, but I often feel like I'm just so desperate to meet the calorie goal that I'm actually looking for high calorie foods to eat (which are often very unhealthy).

I have to be very, very mindful about my eating. It's utterly exhausting!!! I hate that it's a daily struggle just to make myself eat (some days are worse / harder than others). I constantly have to fight horrible nausea and often have to try to force-feed myself. But, there are times that I just can't eat - even the thought of eating makes me feel physically sick, and it just worsens with the smell and taste.

But, I'm not giving up! I want to get back to my normal weight. I'm still trying!

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM).

Disclosure: An Open Book

Today's prompt is about disclosure - how I decide what to share or not.

I've always been a pretty private person, but I'm allowing myself to be more open and vulnerable.

I battle with things that have a huge stigma around them. Migraine disease, Fibromyalgia, IBS, depression, anxiety... these are all invisible illnesses. People can't easily see the battles I face with these diseases. But, I've found that by discussing parts of these illnesses that aren't openly discussed, I'm inviting others to know that they're not alone in what they're facing.

So, I try to be open and willing to share anything... with people that I feel are sincerely / genuinely asking (either out of concern and / or necessity). People that I meet in life that don't seem to really care, often get a shortened version of things. But, I simply go with my gut - unless I feel uncomfortable with something someone asks me (which, again, is usually due to insincerity of the person asking), I'm pretty much an open book.

It's taken me quite a long time to get to a point where I can share this much about my journey. And, I've found that allowing myself to be vulnerable has brought with it great blessings. Others will sometimes tell me that I've put words / a voice to something they, too, have been facing. I feel like I'm staying true to myself, and it seems to be helping validate aspects of some other people's experiences / journey.

I share because I can. I share because it helps me sort through things. I share because it may help someone else out there. I share because God has put a desire to in my heart.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM).

Small Things With Great Love: An Update

"In this life we cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love" - Mother Teresa

What a beautiful reminder of what life is all about!

One of my grandmothers has been having a really rough time. She had foot surgery on October 11. She was taken back to the hospital on the 25th, and has been there since. She had surgery on the 27th, due to a blood infection from the previous surgery. She's been in the hospital for a week, and was scheduled for surgery this morning to move a vein from her right arm to her left leg because she's not getting enough blood flow to her foot for it to heal (I haven't heard an update on how she's doing yet).

I have, in many ways, felt helpless. I'd love to have the strength and energy to go to her house and unpack some things (they moved a few month ago and haven't been able to get completely unpacked and settled yet), while she's still in the hospital - well, anytime, but it'd be a nice surprise. But, I haven't been able to, thus far.

So, I've been doing what I am able to do.

• I've been keeping her in my thoughts and prayers.
• I've been asking others to keep her in their prayers.
• I've been able to visit her twice (so far) in the hospital with my mom.
• I've tried to be there to help support my mom, as well, because this is a difficult situation.

My grandmother is a strong woman, and she's going to be alright. The reality, though, is that "alright" might not look like she or we would like it to. Physically, she can't do a lot of things that she used to and would like to still do. But, she is surrounded by love and support, and we'll work together to adapt however we need to.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM).