Writing With Style

I don't really have one single writing style.

I've always loved handwriting in a journal. However, I don't write very quickly, and I've had increased physical pain in my neck and shoulder that prevent how much I'm able to hand write before being in too much pain.

The increased pain is one reason I started online blogging. I still deal with the pain, but I'm able to get more of my thoughts out because I can type much quicker than I can write.

Most of the time, words just flow from my mind to my fingertips... whether I'm writing by hand or typing on the computer. There are times that I simply can't seem to type as fast as my mind is going, but I do my best.

I have written notes all over the apartment... it drives my husband crazy! I'm working on combining them and using the computer / tablet / phone to keep the number of paper notes down. But, sometimes it's easiest to just jot down a note on a piece of paper, so I'll have to work on utilizing my other resources more.

As far as blogging goes, I write from our computer. Sometimes the words just flow out. Other times, I "sit on a post" for months before actually posting it. Even if I'm working through stuff, and I know that my blog is constantly changing, I still feel like I need to reach a certain point of real understanding before I post something. I don't like to "publish" unfinished thoughts, which is dumb because where does it end?! Just because I publish something, doesn't mean that I can't continue to think, change, grow. In fact, it's only healthy and natural that I do! But, I'm a perfectionist... I'm working on it, though.

I tend to get some of my best writing done late at night. I used to be a night owl, but I've been trying to make and keep a better sleep schedule. But, I can't just leave so many thoughts moving around in my head... I have to try to get them out. So, I write.


This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

My Dream Day

So, today's challenge is to write about my dream day - "Describe your ideal day. How would you spend your time? Who would you spend it with? Have you had this day? If not, how could you make it happen?"

I've been thinking about this prompt, and I'm not sure how much I really like it. Honestly, I don't think there's any sense in dreaming about a "dream day" that may never happen. I'm trying to live more in the present, and I feel like that would hinder my efforts.

© 2009 David Madden.

One of the greatest days of my life was my wedding day. I married the man of my dreams... the man beyond my dreams. God blessed me with a friend for life - he means so much to me. So many of our family and friends were able to join us and help us celebrate our union. The day was beautiful, the migraine monster stayed away, and I was able to enjoy being with my loved ones. What more could I ask for?!

Actually, there is more... We had an amazing photographer, who captured the day just beautifully. I've always loved photos because I'm able to somehow re-live those moments in a very real way. So, I'm happy to have such great pictures around the apartment to remind me of how blessed I am. Sometimes it's surreal to see me in the photos because I look completely happy... I was able to truly live in the moment and enjoy it all. The whole day was surreal, but I soaked it all in. I haven't figured out a way to completely surrender to the present moment, since that day... but the pictures remind me to keep trying.


This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

Who Am I?

"Who am I without my disease(s)? What makes me more than just my disease(s)?"

What poignant questions! I'm not even sure how to answer them, but I'm going to try...

Before my accident, I had finally reached a point where I felt comfortable and confident in who I was. But, that was short-lived. My auto accident in October 2008 changed my life forever. I suddenly couldn't do the things that I had been so good at. I struggled with doing things that were core to who I was. And, that threw me into quite a state of panic and depression. Suddenly, everything was different... and yet, I still felt like the "old me" was just trapped inside of a now-damaged body. But, chronic migraines... chronic pain... changes people.

I'm a woman of faith. I'm a loving wife, daughter, sister, granddaughter... I'm a perfectionist still trying to adjust to living life with chronic pain. I enjoy scrapbooking, writing, and spending time with those I love. I am blessed beyond measure. I enjoy helping others. I love with my whole heart. And, I hope my life reflects my deep love for my Lord.

I really need to give these questions some more thought, as I continue to grow and change. But, thanks for posing the questions.


This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC), and the April 2012 edition of the Patients for a Moment Carnival.

Things I Need & Love

Today's challenge is to write about 10 things I couldn't live without... for example, if I was stranded on an island. Well, living with chronic pain / illness can actually sometimes feel like being alone on a stranded island. My world is primarily within the walls of my apartment. I venture out as much as I can, but I spend the vast majority of my time here.

So, the things I need and want in my home now are the things I would need and want if I was stranded on an island. For this blog post, I'm going to change the prompt a bit. Here are 3 different lists: what I need / love the most, what I'd like to have, and what makes life worth living.

5 things that I need / love the most:

1. The unconditional love of our Father in heaven.
2. The strength and love of my amazing husband.
3. The love and support of my parents / family.
4. The encouragement and support of my (online) friends.
5. The hope that there will be days with less pain in the future.

5 things that I'd like to have:

1. A journal and pen.
2. Scrapbooking supplies.
3. Cell phone with internet access, so I can keep in touch with the outside world.
4. A soft pillow / blanket / bed.
5. Migraine meds.

5 things that make life worth living:

1. Faith
2. Hope
3. Love
4. Health
5. Laughter

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

Stream of Consciousness Day

Today's challenge is to: start with the sentence “_______” - just write, don’t stop, don’t edit. Post!

"I'ts about what’s going on in your head in this exact moment. What are you thinking/feeling/seeing/hearing? How do you feel? What’s popping into your head as you take in your surroundings? What conversations or interactions keep running through your mind? Stream of consciousness is about not suppressing these thoughts but letting them flow onto the page, with or without punctuation, without stopping to think about whether you’d chosen the right word or phrased something the right way."

So, here we go... I'm wondering why I can't sleep. Why I'm so anxious. Why things are getting worse. I've been having increasing trouble getting to sleep at night, often taking several hours to fall asleep (even after taking night meds)... and, now, I'm having increasing anxiety about even laying down in bed to try to go to sleep. I've also been having bad nightmares, several of which have had me waking up shaking and upset. I don't know what's causing all of this. I've had problems with sleep before (sometimes almost identical to what I'm experiencing now)... for longer than I care to remember... but, I don't understand this round of stuff.

I'm also feeling anxious about my head pain. I've actually had a fairly good few days, actually this whole week, so far. I've been able to keep the head pain from worsening, even though there have been ups and downs each day. Keeping my head to a 5-6 (on a 10-point scale) has been great this week. Some days, I was able to keep the head pain there, as well as get some things done around the apartment... other days, I had to park myself on the couch and just watch TV / do nothing, in order to keep the pain from worsening. But, I'm proud of myself for the things that I've been able to accomplish this week.

The problem is that these streaks of better days never last. The pain always returns, and it scares me. I don't want to let the fear take over because I'm trying to enjoy the bit of relief that I get, whenever I get it. I still try to pace myself, but I'm also trying to stay in the moment and enjoy feeling even just a little bit better. But, my mind wanders... and the fear comes over me like a wave crashing onto rocks. I don't want to be afraid, but it's so hard not to, when pain has become my "normal."

Right now, I think I'm most afraid of ruining this weekend. Jeremy and I are going to Austin this weekend. We're going to visit / stay with family, and attend a friend's wedding. I want so badly to be able to have a "normal" weekend... at least for my dear husband. My migraines have interfered with so many special events - I've had to miss close friend's weddings, family get-togethers, etc. I hate having to miss these things, and I hate even more when it interferes with one of the few activities / events that Jeremy really wants to attend. I know that he'll be alright and won't blame me or make me feel guilty, if we miss it... but I want to be there for him. He's so good at comforting me when I have to miss important events... I just don't want him to have to be in that position.

Well, I don't know if any of this is made any sense, but there's my 15 minutes of unedited free-writing today. Stream of consciousness day - welcome to the scattered mind of a chronic Migraineur!

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

My Playlist: Theme Song(s)

Today's challenge was to give a theme song to my blog and/or health focus. I'm not really sure I can pick a single song... so, let's just see where my thoughts lead me today...

Music is so powerful! It truly can help us to give words to and express so many different emotions that we simply cannot explain or express any other way. So many memories are tied to specific songs, and hearing even just a few notes of the song can bring up such strong emotion. Music can help us express pain, anger, sadness... as well as pleasure, happiness, and joy... and everything in between.

I have many different types of music that I like to listen to, depending on my mood and what's going on in my life. Some of the songs that have moved me can be found on my other blog, Unfolding the Rosebud (some of the ones listed on that blog are also found below).

I previously made a playlist with songs of hope... you can check it out here, My Playlist: Songs of Hope. The playlist includes many songs that I enjoy listening to often. They have words of hope and encouragement. I hope you'll take some time to listen to some of those songs, but I'd like to share some different ones in this post.

Behind the Scenes by Francesca Battistelli
This song really speaks to each and every one of us. We all have so much more going on than what others can see from the outside.

Things aren’t always what they seem / You’re only seeing part of me / There’s more than you could ever know / Behind the scenes

 I find this especially true for those living with chronic pain / illness:

You may think / I’m just fine / How could anything / Ever be out of line? 

Sometimes I can’t see / Anything / Through the dark / Surrounding me / And at times I’m unsure / About the ground / Beneath my feet / If it’s safe and sound

It's important that we be compassionate to one another because every single one of us is fighting some sort of battle. And, we can have comfort in know that

When it’s hard to find hope in the unseen / I have peace in knowing it will find me 

http://youtu.be/JKZM7Kc0IPE

These Things Take Time by Sanctus Real

I always have so many questions stirring in me, and this song speaks so well to that. I don't slow down well. I don't like that things take time, but it's the way things are... and it's more the way my life is now than it ever was before the accident. Everything takes much more time than before. It's frustrating, and it makes me wonder 'why.' There are so many questions, but I must always keep my faith in the Lord.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2-3)

I wanna know why pain makes me stronger / I wanna know why good men die / Why am I so afraid of the dark, / But I stray from the light?

And I wonder why / Sometimes the truth ain’t easy to find / I wanna know all the answers / But I’m learning that / These things take time

http://youtu.be/qFT4ScXaSzs

Glass by Ross Copperman

This song speaks to the fragile nature of our human form. But, we're reminded that we're shaped by the "light we let through us," which is so true. Jesus tells us that “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life” (John 8:12).

We may shine, we may shatter... / We are fragile, we are human / We are shaped by the light we let through us / But we break fast 'cause we are glass' / Cause we are glass

It can be difficult to let others in, letting them see who you really are. But we all are fragile and imperfect. We should try not to judge one another, as we all bear our own burdens. I'll be the first to admit that I've never been very easy to get to know... I've gotten pretty good at holding others at arm's length, not letting them see me. But, I've been more open and honest, since my accident (at least here on my blog, and with those that I feel truly care and are trying to understand, rather than judge). I feel like sharing my experiences (both good and bad) is cathartic for me, and could help others. So,

I'll let you look inside me / Through the stains and through the cracks... / But try not to judge me / 'Cause we've walked down different paths

http://youtu.be/IFu8AYgRsog

Skyscraper by Demi Lovato

I absolutely love this song! Both the song and video are very powerful. I think the message is great for everyone that is in a dark place in their life. There is still hope, and you can battle through and rise higher than ever... "like a skyscraper."

You can take everything I have / You can break everything I am / Like I'm made of glass / Like I'm made of paper / Go on and try to tear me down / I will be rising from the ground / Like a skyscraper / Like a skyscraper

In the video, she's barefoot, making her way through a barren desert. I think the imagery is right on. In the midst of dark times, it can often feel like we're alone... trying to make our way through a barren land. But, we can make our way through it, and rise to new heights. I think skyscrapers are truly marvelous...

http://youtu.be/r_8ydghbGSg

I Won't Let Go by Rascal Flatts
I'll leave you with a song that always leaves me in tears... but that also gives me great peace and comfort (thanks, again, for sharing this song with me, my 'lil dove).

Perhaps this would be a good song for my blog's theme song... I think this song is so beautiful! Even though I'm in the midst of my own storm, I want to help make sure that others know that they're not alone either.

It’s like a storm / That cuts a path / It breaks your will / It feels like that / You think you're lost / But you're not lost / On your own / You're not alone 

There are others out there that are facing similar challenges. And, even if I can't completely understand what you're going through...

I will stand by you / I will help you through / When you’ve done all you can do / And you can’t cope / I will dry your eyes / I will fight your fight / I will hold you tight / And I won't let go

http://youtu.be/Af8mB9ABuJA

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).