Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 1)

From as far back as I can remember, I was terrified of being "imperfect." I don't really know why or from where this stemmed from. My parents have always loved and supported me unconditionally, and yet I place(d) so much pressure on myself to be "perfect."

Honestly, I never thought of it as perfect versus imperfect. I just had SUPER high expectations for myself, and I was very critical if I didn't reach them (even if I came very close... actually, mostly when I came very close).

"Always live up to your standards - by lowering them, if necessary." - Mignon McLaughlin

My parents have told me that the first time I got a 99% (instead of a 100%) on a homework assignment in elementary school, I came home in tears... they probably knew at that moment that we were in for a rough ride. Apparently, they tried to tell me that a 99% is very good, but I just wouldn't hear it. HA!

Realistically, I haven't reached MANY of my expectations and goals. I could list them here, but that would be a bit depressing. It's always bothered me, though, that many of my goals were missed by a mere hair. I was just a little short of meeting them, and that actually made it more difficult to accept.

"When you aim for perfection, you discover it's a moving target." - George Fisher

I was brought up believing that I could achieve anything I really set my mind to. And, for the most part, that was true (based on my experiences). All through school (including college), I was good at a lot of things, but not "brilliant" in anything in particular.

I wasn't like those people that have known since childhood that they wanted to be a teacher or doctor (for instance). I went through different phases of what I wanted to be... none of which were really connected (vet, artist, architect, accountant, psychologist, business woman, writer). I truly believed that I could be good at whatever I chose, but I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I was "supposed" to do. I felt that God could use me in any of those fields, so I didn't know where to go. Constantly hearing, "You're so lucky to be good at so many things... You can do anything, whatever you want" is beyond stressful! I didn't think it was luck at all. I felt almost cursed. Others around me felt a clear calling for a certain vocation, and I felt... LOST! I still feel pretty lost, but let's continue on with this discussion of imperfection...

"Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without." - Confucius

Part of me wishes that someone would've told me that there's so much more to life than being perfect... but, I think that A LOT of people did tell me that, and I refused to truly listen. See, I knew it to be true, and yet I continued to try to hold myself to crazy-high standards (it probably didn't help that I was surrounded by over-achieving perfectionists, too).

"Perfection is not attainable. But if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence."
- Vince Lombardi

Lessons Series:

Lessons: Learning the Hard Way (Part 1)
Lessons: Learning the Hard Way (Part 2)
Lessons: From Suffering to Empowered
Lessons: Learning From Life With Chronic Pain
Lessons: Finding Joy

Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 1)
Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 2)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 1)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 2)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 3)

Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 2)

This is a continuation from Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 1).

“I am careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can reach for; perfection is God’s business” - Michael J. Fox

Perfection is the evil twin of excellence. Seeking to be perfect is all about me. Perfection demands to be right always, and it sets us up to becoming very self-righteous. Seeking excellence, on the other hand, is about honoring God. It's about being willing to change and improve, so that we can become what God made us to be.

"Perfection is motivated by the flesh. Excellence motivated by the Holy Spirit.Perfection glorifies self. Excellence brings glory to God.Perfection is rooted in insecurity. Excellence is rooted in a secure relationship with God.Perfection is being seeking to be perfect at all times. Excellence is doing your very best at the level you are.Perfection is running a race that never ends. Excellence is going the extra mile.
Perfection can not be obtained by anyone except Jesus Christ. Excellence can be obtained by the youngest or most mature Christian"

- Tim Forsthoff at Cornerstone Church

God’s Word teaches us that:

• No one can ever be perfect - "We are made right with God by placing our faith in Jesus Christ. And this is true for everyone who believes, no matter who we are. For everyone has sinned; we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sins" (Romans 3:22-24)
• Seeking perfection is trying to act like God - "There is no one holy like the Lord; there is no one besides you; there is no Rock like our God" (I Samuel 2:2)
• God wants us to seek excellence - "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" (Philippians 4:8)
• Excellence is possible - "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal,but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me" (Philippians 3:12)
• My partner in seeking excellence is the Holy Spirit - "But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" (John 14:26-27)

Erika at Keeping It Personal has a beautifully written post, Perfectionism. It's a fairly short read, but it's so very powerful! Here's just a sample:

"I want my life, my efforts, all of me to count for something... Friend, you do matter... far more than you think. Not only are you a daughter of the King, God has gifted you and called you. He has put desires and dreams in your heart. For most of us, we have let distractions, busyness, good intentions, and worries mute the cry of our hearts and bury those God-given dreams. But they are there. Find them. Ask Him to open your eyes and soften your heart, that you might know His calling for you... For it’s not perfectionism that stops us, that holds us back. It’s fear. Far too often, fear is the dictator of our lives. And that’s not how we were called to live" (Perfectionism).

Sandy at God Speaks Today has also written a couple powerful blog posts about Freedom From Perfection.

“Perfectionism is a spiritual weight that directly affects the freedom promised to us in the Word of God" 

"So, maybe excellence is more a pursuit of character qualities—the attributes of God, like virtue and love and justice and mercy…God cares about how we do things. Whether it’s done well, or not-so-well. But I think He’s much more concerned with the attitude behind the doing…That we see with spiritual eyes the depth of acceptance God has for us, even in especially in our messy condition. That we always remember, because we have been forgiven much, we can love all the more. That we finally and completely Embrace Imperfect—and then go in peace"  

- God Speaks Today, "Freedom from Perfection

Lessons Series:



Lessons: Learning the Hard Way (Part 1)
Lessons: Learning the Hard Way (Part 2)
Lessons: From Suffering to Empowered
Lessons: Learning From Life With Chronic Pain
Lessons: Finding Joy

Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 1)
Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 2)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 1)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 2)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 3)

Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 1)

Well, it's pretty fitting that I haven't posted this until now (though I started it back in April) because I wanted to get it "just right." But, I've gotten to the point where I just need to get it out there. I'm never done learning, so all of what I write is unfinished.

Perfectionism is "a disposition to regard anything short of perfection as unacceptable; especially: the setting of unrealistically demanding goals accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as unacceptable and a sign of personal worthlessness."

"Perfectionism is the need to be - or to appear - perfect. Perfectionists are persistent, detailed and organized high achievers. They vary in their behaviors; some strive to conceal their imperfections, others attempt to project an image of perfection. But all have in common extremely high standards for themselves or for others. Perfectionism is not officially recognized as a psychiatric disorder. However extreme forms of perfectionism should be considered an illness similar to narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness, dependent-personality disorder and other personality disorders because of their links to distress and dysfunction” - Gordon Flett, professor of psychology at York University in Toronto

Our society seems to support the idea or belief of perfectionism, and imperfection is viewed negatively. But, perfection is merely the idea of a perceived ideal state. It's not attainable, and yet we strive to be perfect.

I've struggled with perfectionism for the majority of my life. I often keep myself in this vicious cycle of setting unreachable goals and then failing to attain them (even before my accident, when I wasn't limited in the ways I am now). I place constant pressure on myself, becoming self-critical and anxious, which has often lead to depression. Thankfully, I'm (slowly) learning to ease up on myself.

I've always tried to do everything myself, my way. Perfectionism is self-reliance that has gone too far (that's gone amuck). I've always had this need to at least feel a sense of control, which I can now see kept me from really letting go and handing things over to God... I always tried to hold on to it, just a little. I've been able to let go of much more than I used to (still a learning process), and it's truly liberating!

“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Philippians 4:13)

Living life striving for perfection keeps us from ever truly feeling a sense of happiness and satisfaction. How can you enjoy the present moment, if your mind is constantly planning and thinking about the future... or thinking about what went wrong in the past? I've struggled so much with this... struggling to feel satisfaction or contentment because my perception is always clouded by perfectionism. But, there is no peace in a life striving for perfection.

All of this is not to say that we shouldn't strive to do well and be the best we can be. But, there's a very fine (yet life-changing) line between striving for excellence and striving for perfection.

Lessons Series:

Lessons: Learning the Hard Way (Part 1)
Lessons: Learning the Hard Way (Part 2)
Lessons: From Suffering to Empowered
Lessons: Learning From Life With Chronic Pain
Lessons: Finding Joy

Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 1)
Lessons: Perfectionism (Part 2)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 1)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 2)
Lessons: Learning to Accept Imperfection (Part 3)

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

For the last two years, I've written about 30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know (2010, 2011). Some of my answers are the same or similar. But, I think it can be good to review how you've answered these questions in the past, so you can see where you were and how far you've come.


1. The illness(es) I live with is: Chronic post-traumatic headache/migraine (intractable, with and without aura), anxiety, depression
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: Chronic migraines - 2008 (after a car accident). The others were diagnosed around 2002.
3. But I had symptoms since: dealt with headaches (and some migraines), anxiety, and depression since (at least) my teenage years.
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: not always being able to take care of myself / depending on other people so much.
5. Most people assume: that nothing is wrong with me and/or that I can't hurt as much or often as I do.
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up without feeling rested, and  not knowing how much pain the day will bring.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House, CSI
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my cell phone
9. The hardest part about nights are: getting to sleep, especially when the pain is bad.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: I plead the fifth
11. Regarding alternative treatments I have tried: massage, physical therapy, chiropractic
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: I'm not sure. At least with an invisible illness, I don't always have people looking at me strangely or asking me what's wrong/what happened.
13. Regarding working and career: I have been unable to work since the accident in 2008. I tried to return to graduate school for a year, but ended up taking a leave of absence and then made the difficult decision not to return. Since then, working and/or school hasn't even been an option.
14. People would be surprised to know: I am in pain (often severe) every single day... all day, every day.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that I have changed, and things will never be the same.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: plan the wedding of my dreams
17. The commercials about my illness: are very misleading as to what migraine really is and how debilitating it can be. The one about chronic migraine, where the lady is laying on the couch and everything is happening around / without her, is a bit more realistic.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: This could be a very long list... I miss being able to actively participate in life.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: who I was before the accident... I still haven't completely let go of that yet.
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: blogging
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: have no idea what to do with myself (assuming "normal" is feeling "good," not what my "normal" has become)! I don't even know what life without pain is anymore.
22. My illness has taught me: to recognize the strength that I DO have. It is teaching me to TRUST God more... but it is definitely a long and difficult process.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Migraines are just bad headaches; take some pills and keep going / move on, it can't be that bad.
24. But I love it when people: Show that they care. Even just little things like: being aware of how bright a room is, asking if the TV/radio is too loud, rubbing my neck/shoulders/head, treating me like a person rather than the disease/illness, being considerate at a restaurant by allowing me to sit facing away from windows (so the glare shining off of cars doesn't worsen my pain)
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:

• "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)
• "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4)
• "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart" (Jeremiah 29:13)
• "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: keep yourself informed - research things online, ask your doctor questions, do your best to understand and articulate your experience with your disease/illness. Don't feel like you're alone - join blogging, church, or other support group(s) to help you through the difficult times that you will go through. Be ready for a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how strong, yet vulnerable, I can be. Everything I do has to be a conscious decision to use my energy for that specific thing (even basic things, like taking a shower).
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: take care of me... When I have a bad migraine, my husband does everything he can to take care of me (feeds me, makes sure I take my medicine, massage my head/neck/shoulders/back/feet [if I can handle being touched], make sure I'm in a dark room and am as comfortable as I can be, and anything else that I need).
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I feel that we need to speak out and get more awareness, research, and understanding out into the public view about invisible illnesses - they are real and often difficult to bear.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: heard/validated, and hopefully a bit better understood. It gives me hope that invisible illnesses can be better understood, if only people will listen.

Suicide Prevention

This week (September 9-15, 2012) is the 38th Annual National Suicide Prevention Week. This coincides with Pain Awareness Month. National Suicide Prevention Week Activities can be found: National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and American Association of Suicidology.

September 10th (of each year) is World Suicide Prevention Day.

More information about suicide prevention can be found:
- You Matter, Let Us Help You Through
- American Association of Suicidology
- National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
- World Health Organization

If you, or someone you know, is in suicidal crisis or emotional distress, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Invisible Illness, Visible Hope

September 10-16, 2012 is Invisible Illness Week. This year's campaign is "Invisible illness? Share your visible hope." There are some great resources on the website - bloggers will be blogging and sharing images about living with invisible illness, and there will be seminars throughout the week.