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Friday, September 7, 2012

Lessons: Finding Joy

I've come so far in being able to feel true happiness for others and the things that are happening in their lives, but sometimes I find it so very difficult. It makes me feel guilty, and I hate being unable to share in their joy.

Since my accident, I've struggled with feeling like everyone else is moving forward, while I just seem to stay in place... stagnant. Sometimes, everything seems to be happening around me, while I remain on the sidelines. A good friend of mine described it as being on a treadmill - constantly walking, but never really getting anywhere.

I love that people are doing well. I think the world would be a horribly miserable place, if everyone was living in chronic pain. I also love being able to share in other people's lives, and I want people to be able to tell me anything, not having to "walk on eggshells" with me. But, it's sometimes heart-wrenching. When people talk to me about their hopes, dreams, goals, and achievements, it can be hard for me... especially if these things are similar to what my own hopes, dreams, and goals have been / are.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith
produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be
mature and complete, not lacking anything"
(James 1:2-4)
I struggle with jealousy of people's lives because of what they're able to do that I can't. There are some things that I simply can no longer do. I'm coming to peace with some of the limitations that I have (not in a roll-over-and-let-the-illness-win way, but just accepting that there are limitations and trying to live the best life I can despite them). But, I haven't formed any hopes and dreams for my future with this disease. I don't know what's in my future, much less how to get there. So, seeing others move into areas that I have a passion for (and used to be very prepared to do) can be hard to swallow sometimes.

The struggle, guilt, and jealousy may not always be so strong as to bring me sadness; but I think they're always there, lurking in the background. I don't want to feel these things, especially not so strongly. I truly am grateful for all that I have. But, sometimes I just want to scream "WHY?!" Why does it seem that no matter what I do, there's no reprieve? I just feel so weary and worn down from the constant battle.

2 comments:

  1. I totally get it, and I'm sorry. Doesn't it feel like you can't even be a part of a close circle of friends because you simply can't be a part of everyday life and its activities? I feel like people just move on without me. Life does move on without us. I'm praying for an end of your pain and the ability to painlessly fulfill your hopes and dreams. Surely, there has to be something they haven't found yet that will cure migraines. Still praying for you.

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  2. So well put. I struggle with these feeling too. No matter how happy I am for the successes of my loved ones, I can't help but also be reminded of what could have been had chronic pain not put the brakes on.

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