FALLing in Love

© 2010 Jamie V.

My husband and I just spent a lovely weekend in northwestern Arkansas to celebrate our first anniversary (a few weeks late).

I LOVE my husband so much! I continue to be amazed by him. It was so great to get away from the normal day-to-day. I feel like I keep falling in love with him, over and over. He's such a blessing in my life.

I also LOVE fall! It's my favorite season. But, I've always lived in Texas/Oklahoma, where the trees just don't change all that much. I can't handle long drives and we can't afford a big vacation right now; so, we just took a short road trip (2 hours one-way, and then mini-trips) to the Ozarks.

I did alright migraine-wise... I did have to take my migraine meds, but we were still able to walk around outside for longer than I have in a long time... Of course, I've been paying for "over-doing it" for the past few days... But, I loved spending time with my sweetheart and being surrounded by nature. I truly enjoyed myself this weekend, and now I'm looking forward to next week's stimulator implant.

© 2010 Jamie V.

© 2010 Jamie V.

© 2010 Jamie V.

Reason, Season, Lifetime

My sister said something to me last weekend that got me thinking about the poem, Reason, Season, or Lifetime...

Reason, Season, or Lifetime



People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

I previously wrote a post entitled, Changed Relationships, where I wrote about how different relationships in my life have changed since my car accident. But, relationships are more complex than reason, season, or lifetime.

Friends that come into our lives for a reason makes sense to me. And, even (at least to some extent) friends that come into our lives for a season makes sense to me. But, somewhere between season and lifetime, I think the line start to blur. I think there are friends that help us through a series of seasons - sometimes consecutive and sometimes scattered over time. ...or, maybe I just have too high of expectations about what friendship is, and what a true lifetime friend looks like. I know it's unreasonable to expect another person to be there for you through every single up and down. But, what do you do when what you believe to be a lifetime friend seems absent or out of reach for some very important / difficult / big events or experiences or even seasons in your life? That I don't know...

Maybe I am not meant to know the answer, though. During those times when I feel so disconnected from my friends and / or loved ones, perhaps the Lord is trying to teach me something... to draw me closer to Him... to teach me to truly rely solely on Him. It is a difficult lesson to learn, and I am still struggling with it.

In the midst of chronic pain and suffering, it is often dark and lonely. If it wasn't for God's light shining - sometimes near and sometimes far away - I would be completely lost and swallowed in the darkness of pain, suffering, depression, anxiety...

"Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path." - Psalm 119:105

Blessed Beyond Measure

I was so excited to find out that the theme for November's Headache and Migraine Disease Blog Carnival is: "What are you thankful for in your life despite living with migraine disease?"

I think we, all too often, get so wrapped up in the day-to-day grind of things, that we forget that we are surrounded by so many wonderful things. And, this does not apply just to people living with migraine disease (or any other illness). It can be very difficult to remember that even with all of life's stresses, there is still so much to be thankful for.

The Lord has blessed me beyond measure. He is the only one that has really seen me in my darkest moments, as well as my brightest moments. His love is completely unconditional, and He surrounds me with reminders that He is and always will be near me.

My husband has been such a huge blessing to me. He has carried me through some rough and scary times, even in the short time that we've been married. He is my best friend, and I feel blessed that God brought him into my life to be my partner.

My family (namely: my parents, siblings, in-laws, and grandparents) has always been a great support system for me. Their love continues to help me through difficult times, even when I live miles and miles away. They love me, no matter what... and that means so much to me.

My friends, who, even when they may not know what to say or do, keep me in their thoughts and prayers. I know that they'll be there for me, and that helps a lot.

I am also thankful for more simple things, such as: a nice home that keeps us warm, a soft bed to lay down in, plenty of food to eat, the beautiful color change of the fall leaves, the crisp fall air, a car that keeps us safe, cell phones/TV/computers that allow for communication (and sometimes distraction), photos and scrapbooking, books, music, movies, and the list could go on forever! It melts my heart to see people being truly engaged with one another - laughing and enjoying the moment, or being patient and helping one another, or even just sitting peacefully together. It's the little things...

I suppose I shouldn't write about what I'm thankful for without including those things about myself that I am thankful for. Truthfully, this one is difficult for me (which is probably why it's coming up last here... trying to put it off or just not include it). But, God has gifted me, and He deserves to to be glorified. I used to know what I was thankful for about myself, but I have changed. I guess I haven't quite thought much about this in a while...

I am thankful that God has given me the gift to touch others through words. I am thankful that He allows me to empathize with others and to walk with them through difficult times. I am thankful that He has provided me the patience, courage, and strength to continue on and trust in Him - even if I still have trouble with this and stumble, He is there to encourage me to get back up and take that next step. I am thankful that I have not given up on myself or on God.

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and He helps me. My heart leaps for joy, and with my song I praise Him." - Psalm 28:7

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

Anxiously Hopeful, continued

My neurologist told me last week that he was out of ideas, at least as far as medicinal abortive treatment / therapy for my migraines. I felt / knew that he was running out of ideas; but when I heard the words come out of his mouth, my heart sank. I was so glad that I had had a positive experience with the trial neurostimulator the previous week...

In 2 weeks from today, I will (hopefully) be on the road to recovery... and a very different life. I am getting my neurostimulator permanently implanted in 2 weeks, and it's a bit scary. This post is a follow-up to my previous post, Anxiously Hopeful. So, let me try to work this out...

First of all, I am so unbelievably ready to be rid of this unbearable pain that I cannot even express it! I hate feeling like a useless lump on a log so much of the time. I hate feeling like a burden to those around me. I hate that I cause my loved ones to worry so much. I hate feeling so out of control of my life and of my own mind, body, and emotions. I hate the pain!

But, I have spent the last 2 years trying my hardest to come to terms with this change in myself and my life. I have changed how my life is structured. Jeremy and I have built a life together around me having this debilitating illness. Is all the redefining, restructuring, etc... for naught?

I know how incredibly ridiculous this must sound! The neurostimulator will give me at least some of my life back - I will be able to function at a higher capacity and live my life as a more active participant. I am sooo grateful for the opportunity to get this neurostimulator... this chance for a life!

I am just trying to wrap my mind around all of this. What might my new life might look like? What will I do with the freedom and opportunities that having the neurostimulator will provide me? I don't have any idea where God is calling me to serve or what He is calling me to do. I don't know how I am to use this season of suffering (which I know is not yet over) to glorify him. I just don't know...

I have learned so much through all of this, and I know that the journey is long from over... and that there are many journeys to come. But, I think it's always a bit scary when what is or has become our normal changes.

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

"Follow your heart, wherever it leads;
for only your heart know what your soul needs."
            - Jamie Conkle

I wrote the above several years ago. So, when I saw that this month's blog carnival was "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes," it brought it back to mind. I started thinking about dreams and following your heart... what I discovered was surprising.

I used to dream BIG... VERY BIG! I was always the over-achiever, perfectionist, etc... that always reached for the stars (or beyond), and then had the drive to work toward those goals and dreams.

At some point since my pain has become debilitating, I have stopped dreaming BIG... perhaps even stopped dreaming at all. Wow! This discovery really opened by eyes... and made my heart ache. I've mainly been in survival mode for the past 2 years.

After graduating with my Bachelor's degree, I wanted to work for a few years and then return to graduate school. I landed a job that I started a few weeks after graduation. I worked there until my car accident in October 2008. I decided to start graduate school, as I had originally intended, in Fall 2009 - I wasn't going to let the injuries from the accident change my BIG dream of going to graduate school.

I moved to Oklahoma and started classes that August. I had a rough first semester and ended up on academic probation. This was extremely difficult for me to handle. I had the increasing pain and isolation... as well as struggling with school, which was something that I felt was the right step to make toward my dream.

I got married in October 2009 to my best friend, which was a BIG dream come true - he moved up to Oklahoma after he graduated in December. With the help of my new husband, I was able to make it through the Spring semester (got off probation) - he took such good care of me, through some of the roughest times. I was glad to be back in good standing (with the university), but it took everything out of me.

I've been on a leave of absence (LOA) from graduate school since May 2010. Making the decision to take a LOA was difficult for me, but it has been the best decision I could've ever made. The past few months have been the worst months (pain-wise) that I've experienced thus far. There's no way I would've been able to complete the semester.

So, now what?! My life has been juggled around, my relationships have changed, and my dreams have become blurry...

I'm not sure at all. I do want to complete graduate school, though I'm not sure if that will be now or later. I want to live closer to my family (my parents and siblings, husbands parents and sibling, grandparents, etc...). I want to have a family, though this may look different depending on whether or not these migraines truly get under control - I feel confident that they will with the stimulator, but there's always a chance that it won't. I want to be a writer. I want to be play an active role in my life. I want to live out my faith and serve the Lord - I don't know how He wants to use me, but I want to serve and glorify Him.

Perhaps my dreams have simplified. Perhaps they will be BIG again... or maybe they already are... maybe "BIG" has just been re-defined, just as my life has been re-defined... My faith, hope, and dreams are in the hands of my Lord ~ "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Some DREAM quotes:

• "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
• "If what's in your dreams wasn't already real inside you, you couldn't even dream it." - Gloria Steinem
• "The greatest thing is to be willing to give up who we are in order to become all that we can become." - Max Depree
• "If you don't have a dream, how are you going to have a dream come true?" - Faye LaPointe

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal." - P. Vaull Starr

We All Fall Down...

We all fall down ... and then we get right back up again: Blog Carnival.

I have always had a competitive spirit - always seeking a good challenge, with others or just with myself. I was able to live this out so well in my school years - sports (cross-country, track, softball) and school (grades, college admissions, honors) - as well as in the working world. I thirsted for challenges. When I had set-backs (such as, the injuries I endured in sports, or not making the place/time (running) or grades (school) I wanted to), I was able to pick myself and keep trying. I was proud of myself, when I was able to overcome adversity.

When I was suddenly faced with chronic, debilitating illness 2 years ago, I tried for a long time to just pick myself back up and move on. When I wasn't able to pick myself back up, I felt defeated.

It has taken me 2 years to even begin to realize and start to accept that there are times that I can't just "get right back up again." Sometimes I need help from someone else. Being a care-receiver is difficult for me, but it is a lesson that chronic illness has taught (is teaching) me. Sometimes life feels like you are taking one step forward and two steps back, but it is so important to keep getting back up and taking those steps...

Here are a few things to remember:

1. There are going to be set-backs along the way. You're going to "fall down," but that doesn't mean that you have to stay down and be defeated.
2. You will likely need to reach out and ask for someone's help, and there is no shame in this.
3. Pray. God longs for each of us to come closer to and rely on Him.
4. Once you get back on track, keep putting one foot in front of the other - take life one moment at a time. The moments will add up and you'll start to see a fuller picture.
5. Never give up hope (and keep praying)!