Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Anxiously Hopeful, continued

My neurologist told me last week that he was out of ideas, at least as far as medicinal abortive treatment / therapy for my migraines. I felt / knew that he was running out of ideas; but when I heard the words come out of his mouth, my heart sank. I was so glad that I had had a positive experience with the trial neurostimulator the previous week...

In 2 weeks from today, I will (hopefully) be on the road to recovery... and a very different life. I am getting my neurostimulator permanently implanted in 2 weeks, and it's a bit scary. This post is a follow-up to my previous post, Anxiously Hopeful. So, let me try to work this out...

First of all, I am so unbelievably ready to be rid of this unbearable pain that I cannot even express it! I hate feeling like a useless lump on a log so much of the time. I hate feeling like a burden to those around me. I hate that I cause my loved ones to worry so much. I hate feeling so out of control of my life and of my own mind, body, and emotions. I hate the pain!

But, I have spent the last 2 years trying my hardest to come to terms with this change in myself and my life. I have changed how my life is structured. Jeremy and I have built a life together around me having this debilitating illness. Is all the redefining, restructuring, etc... for naught?

I know how incredibly ridiculous this must sound! The neurostimulator will give me at least some of my life back - I will be able to function at a higher capacity and live my life as a more active participant. I am sooo grateful for the opportunity to get this neurostimulator... this chance for a life!

I am just trying to wrap my mind around all of this. What might my new life might look like? What will I do with the freedom and opportunities that having the neurostimulator will provide me? I don't have any idea where God is calling me to serve or what He is calling me to do. I don't know how I am to use this season of suffering (which I know is not yet over) to glorify him. I just don't know...

I have learned so much through all of this, and I know that the journey is long from over... and that there are many journeys to come. But, I think it's always a bit scary when what is or has become our normal changes.


  1. Dear one will be in prayer for you as the approaching surgery comes about. Praying for a complete healing in the meantime. (((((Jamie)))))

  2. It's the uncertainty of it all that can be scary! Remember...one day at a time!

  3. For me they couldn't get the thing installed fast enough. It's not a cure - you have to remember that! Just hoping it gives you as much relief as I have had from mine....

  4. I am so very excited for you, but a bit nervous too. You will be in my thoughts and prayers continually, especially as I start learning more about this adventure and possibly take for myself.



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