Still Sick

Well, I'm still sick, but my wonderful husband drove down to Texas to pick me up (this past weekend) and bring me back home to Oklahoma to spend the next couple of weeks with him. I've missed him, and I've missed our apartment. In two weeks, I'll have my neurostimulator implanted... and my husband will be referring to me as his "cyborg wife."

I wish I had something of substance to write about... but between my sinus infection and migraines, my mind is like MUD.

Approved & 'Who Am I'

Renewed hope...
Answered prayers...
Lingering anxiety...
          ...of/for new freedom.
          ...of/for new opportunities.
          ...of/for a new future.
          ...of/for a new life.

I received word today (after a lengthy story of back and forth between me, the insurance company, and the doctor's office)... I've been APPROVED for my permanent implant!!! The surgery won't be until December 22, but I'm SOOO happy that it's finally approved and a date has been set. Merry Christmas to me! :-) Although, I'm not quite sure how I'll feel for the holiday weekend, which usually consists of 3 days going from family party to family party (4 parties) and Christmas Eve service at church. I'm just so relieved that I'm going to be getting it implanted before the new year! So, now I've just got to work on getting over this horrible sinus infection (and stopping these recurring migraines) and getting my immune system as strong as possible, so that my surgery and recovery will go as smoothly as possible.

I appreciate all of the prayers that have been lifted up, and I would ask that you continue to keep me in your prayers as I wait for, go through, and recover from the surgery / procedure.

Below is a song that I have always loved, but it really touched my heart today when I ran across it on YouTube.

Who Am I by Casting Crowns

Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.

Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.

Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus

Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.

Chorus
I am yours.

Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
Cause I am yours.
I am yours...



"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" (2 Corinthians 5:17)

Still Sick and Waiting

A frustrating and stressful few days/weeks have left me wondering "WHY?" Why does it seem that things just seem to fall in place for some people... other people? I feel like my life it stuck in a muddy paste.

Here's where life stands right now...

I'm still sick as a dog. I went back to my doctor today. He said the steroid shot and the antibiotic I got last week don't seem to have killed the infection, so I'm on a different antibiotic and continuing the cough syrup I've been on.

I've been a few rounds with my doctor's office and the insurance company. I've been super-frustrated with things. And, quite possibly the only thing keeping me from completely flying off the handle is the fact that I'm sick, and it wouldn't be a good idea to have surgery with my body fighting an infection like it is (has been) right now. So, I'm still waiting.

• "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." (Psalm 55:22)
• "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)
• "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
• “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
• "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:31)
• "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help
• you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

Sick as a Dog

Well, I've been down with a bad sinus infection for the past week. :-( I went to the doctor Monday - he gave me a shot, some cough medicine, and antibiotics. I've tried snorting salt water, too. I can't sleep well because of the deep cough, and I can't breathe out of my nose or mouth (especially when I try to lay down, so I have to try to sleep propped up). And, of course, none of this helps the migraine pain that I already have... It's miserable!!! My husband drove into town a few days ago, so he's been taking good care of me. But, I hate spending holiday times feeling so horrible. I guess my immune system is just sooo weak right now. I really hope I start to feel better soon, though...

Identity, continued

As I was reading through some blogs / devotionals yesterday, I was given the opportunity to reflect on Jeremiah 18:3, 6b. God is the potter, and I am the clay... His work of art. This is a follow-up to my post, Identity.

The bolded quotes below are pieces of the devotional, Work of Art  by Wisdom Hunters, that really touched / moved me.

• "We are God’s work of art." -- We are unique pieces of art that He has created and called for a purpose - to glorify Him.
• "Clay that is moist and moldable is full of potential." -- We must allow ourselves to be molded by our potter in ways that we may have never even imagined. He is the artist, and only He can see the bigger picture.
• "The molding process is not easy. Sometimes you feel discombobulated and shapeless. You know God is in control, but your circumstances have you feeling upside down and spiraling out of control. This is God’s wheel of wisdom. Uncertainty and dizziness is God’s opportunity to grip the dampened clay of your heart and form dependence on Him." -- Wow! This is how I feel right now... discombobulated and shapeless... I know God is in control... feeling upside down and spiraling out of control...
• "He not only comforts you, but also conforms you into the image of His son, Jesus." -- We must remember that He loves us unconditionally.
• "Sometimes it is the water of adversity that keeps the clay moist." -- God may use different methods to "keep the clay moist," but He has a plan for our lives. He is the potter, we are the clay.
• "It is better to be in the hands of God, spinning in uncertainty, than to be on our own, risk-less and rest-less. You are a beautiful masterpiece in process that one-day will be completed by your Creator." -- This is so true. I would rather be spinning in uncertainty, knowing that I'm in God's hands, than having to rely on myself and on my own resources.

Changed Relationships, continued

I'm sad.   I'm angry.   I'm numb.

I know I don't keep in touch with people the way I should... and the way I truly want to, but I simply CAN'T. Some days, it's ALL I can do to get out of bed. So, in keeping people updated on how I'm doing or what treatment I'm trying now, I FAIL. I focus on my husband, my immediate family, and my doctors... and that's normally all or more than I can handle.

So, every time I receive a call, text, email, facebook message, etc... that comes across (even remotely) as "why didn't you tell me about this?" it's a HUGE reminder of how isolated I've truly become and how I've let another person down. It BREAKS my heart.

And, I can't handle it! I cry, and then I shut down because I've already spent all of my energy for today (and maybe tomorrow)... I have NOTHING left. I'm SORRY!!!

I thought that letting people know about this blog and how they could subscribe (so it would just send them an email, whenever the blog was updated) would help me be able to keep more people updated. But, I don't think a lot of the people I sent the email with the link to the blog read it. So, what am I to do?! I know that some of my immediate family reads it, and I'm so thankful for that and for them.
I've already discussed how my relationships have changed, but I feel like I've at least tried to keep people updated. And, I don't have the energy to fight that front anymore. The battles going on within me physically, emotionally, and spiritually are taking a much higher toll on me than the battle of interpersonal relationships.

After a rough evening and feeling / writing the above, I spent part of today in God's Word...

I was reading through some blog posts / devotionals by Wisdom Hunters, and several of them really touched my heart.

The first one dealt with False Accusations. While I know that this is too harsh for what this post is referring to, I found that some of the words spoke to how I was feeling. Here's a piece of the post.

"...Pray that your life, under fire, will be a blaze of blessing for many others who have suffered under the burden of injustice. It is imperative that you are consumed with Christ and not your false accusers. Feel empathy for them, yes. Pray for them, yes. Forgive them, yes. Fear them, no. Fear God only and forgive your false accusers.

Jesus walked this lonely road of false accusations. He forgave them because He knew they really didn’t know what they were doing. He gave them over to God and trusted Him with vindication in His timing. This road of injustice is not an easy one to travel, so travel with Jesus. Let him drive the process and trust Him with the results. “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34a).

So much is out of your control, except your attitude. Be grateful for your ever-enduring advocate, Jesus, who stands by your side. He is your defense and your refuge as the rain of false accusations beat down on your life. Don’t give up on Him; He has not given up on you. He will see you through this very difficult time. Adversity with Jesus is much better than smooth sailing without Him. Your prayers and His peace will sustain you..." (False Accusations by Wisdom Hunters)

The other post that touched my heart was Love, Compassion, Faithfulness. The paragraph that really struck a chord with me is below. God IS and will ALWAYS be FAITHFUL!

"...People will fail you, but God is still faithful. Work will fail you, but God is still faithful. Your health will fail you, but God is still faithful. Finances will fail you, but God is still faithful. Circumstances will fail you, but God is still faithful. You will fail, but God is still faithful. Great is His faithfulness! God does what He says—now and forevermore..." (Love, Compassion, Faithfulness by Wisdom Hunters)