I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm numb.
I know I don't keep in touch with people the way I should... and the way I truly want to, but I simply CAN'T. Some days, it's ALL I can do to get out of bed. So, in keeping people updated on how I'm doing or what treatment I'm trying now, I FAIL. I focus on my husband, my immediate family, and my doctors... and that's normally all or more than I can handle.
So, every time I receive a call, text, email, facebook message, etc... that comes across (even remotely) as "why didn't you tell me about this?" it's a HUGE reminder of how isolated I've truly become and how I've let another person down. It BREAKS my heart.
And, I can't handle it! I cry, and then I shut down because I've already spent all of my energy for today (and maybe tomorrow)... I have NOTHING left. I'm SORRY!!!
I thought that letting people know about this blog and how they could subscribe (so it would just send them an email, whenever the blog was updated) would help me be able to keep more people updated. But, I don't think a lot of the people I sent the email with the link to the blog read it. So, what am I to do?! I know that some of my immediate family reads it, and I'm so thankful for that and for them.
I've already discussed how my relationships have changed, but I feel like I've at least tried to keep people updated. And, I don't have the energy to fight that front anymore. The battles going on within me physically, emotionally, and spiritually are taking a much higher toll on me than the battle of interpersonal relationships.
After a rough evening and feeling / writing the above, I spent part of today in God's Word...
I was reading through some blog posts / devotionals by Wisdom Hunters, and several of them really touched my heart.
The first one dealt with False Accusations. While I know that this is too harsh for what this post is referring to, I found that some of the words spoke to how I was feeling. Here's a piece of the post.
"...Pray that your life, under fire, will be a blaze of blessing for many others who have suffered under the burden of injustice. It is imperative that you are consumed with Christ and not your false accusers. Feel empathy for them, yes. Pray for them, yes. Forgive them, yes. Fear them, no. Fear God only and forgive your false accusers.
Jesus walked this lonely road of false accusations. He forgave them because He knew they really didn’t know what they were doing. He gave them over to God and trusted Him with vindication in His timing. This road of injustice is not an easy one to travel, so travel with Jesus. Let him drive the process and trust Him with the results. “Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34a).
So much is out of your control, except your attitude. Be grateful for your ever-enduring advocate, Jesus, who stands by your side. He is your defense and your refuge as the rain of false accusations beat down on your life. Don’t give up on Him; He has not given up on you. He will see you through this very difficult time. Adversity with Jesus is much better than smooth sailing without Him. Your prayers and His peace will sustain you..." (False Accusations by Wisdom Hunters)
The other post that touched my heart was Love, Compassion, Faithfulness. The paragraph that really struck a chord with me is below. God IS and will ALWAYS be FAITHFUL!
"...People will fail you, but God is still faithful. Work will fail you, but God is still faithful. Your health will fail you, but God is still faithful. Finances will fail you, but God is still faithful. Circumstances will fail you, but God is still faithful. You will fail, but God is still faithful. Great is His faithfulness! God does what He says—now and forevermore..." (Love, Compassion, Faithfulness by Wisdom Hunters)
Touched my heart tonight. Thanks for the links! Some of my family keeps up on my blog, but for some it is too much and I certainly understand THAN becuase its too much for me sometimes too!!!ReplyDelete
Sweetie.......all you can do is what you can do. your priorities should be God, your husband and then your family. If that's all you can do, so be it. What about emailing the people you love and tell them again what you are going though and how much energy you don't have. I don't know. I struggle with the same thing.......ReplyDelete
Oh, Jamie, I know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes I feel just like a failure in the world, because I literally cannot function most of the time. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing the best I can for my children. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have a loving husband to help me out. Also, a Heavenly Father to listen to my pleas to get me through another minute, hour, or day. The world doesn't understand migraine disease because they can't see it. It's only the up close and personal ones that understand it or the ones that have truly experience it. I know you understand this. Thank you for your post. It was truly uplifting. It was something I needed to hear as I have been down all day. BTW, have you heard from you insurance today regarding your procedure? Well, just want you to know that I have been thinking about you today.ReplyDelete
Here you go again, saying whats in my heart also. I created my blog for me but I still sent it to my family and not one of them even reads it. I do the same, I here it over and over agian that I choose to shut people out of my life, I am doing it. But of course they have a chronic pain free life. ggggrrrrReplyDelete
Thank you all for your kind words. It's just so hard sometimes, and I know that you all understand this.ReplyDelete
Holly, thank you for asking about the insurance company... they still have NOT yet made a decision about the surgery/procedure. This next week, I'm going to start getting on their case because we're getting this done THIS year. I'm NOT waiting another 5 or 6 weeks with ALL this pain and until my new deductibles for 2011. Please keep me in your prayers. I'll try to update with the scheduled date, whenever I get that set up... hopefully sooner than later.
I am so sorry to hear that the insurance company hasn't done anything yet. Time is running out and they seem to not to care. How difficult is it to make a decision on a permanent stimulator when they paid for a temporary one? Insurance companies really drive me crazy. Well, I really hope you get it scheduled sooner than later. It would be a wonderful Christmas present. I always keep you in my prayers. I know Heavenly Father is watching over you in your trials. Just hold onto your faith. That's all we can do at this point in time.ReplyDelete
Thank you, Holly. I keep you in my prayers, as well. Blessings, hun.ReplyDelete
Know exactly how you feel! =)ReplyDelete