My Hobbies

The theme for the October 2010 edition of the Headache and Migraine Disease Blog Carnival is "How do your hobbies help you cope with your headache disorder?"

I've been mulling this over in my head for weeks now, and I have a mixed response to this question. My hobbies have, in many ways, been affected by my chronic pain. I cannot do many of the things I once loved to do, and the things that I can do often have great limitations. But, the main hobbies that I have found to help me cope with my chronic migraine disorder are:  scrapbooking and writing (and reading).

Scrapbooking. I injured my neck and shoulder, at the same time the migraines became debilitating, so I haven't been able to do as much scrapbooking as I'd like to. For a while after the accident, I just didn't feel up to it (or "in the mood"). I finally got back into it, and did my 2008 scrapbook. I did A LOT the year of my car accident... well, before the accident... I scrapbooked every page of the book, except for the two pages I left about the car accident. They sat empty for months. I didn't even know how to begin or what to say. It felt like a huge release, though, once I was able to finish those pages - I had conquered the fear of those daunting pages about the accident, and I had finished an entire scrapbook! Completing a task or project is something that I definitely try not to take for granted as much anymore.

The things that draw me to scrapbooking are the creativity of designing the pages and arranging the pictures, as well as writing and telling the story (i.e., journaling). I have a very unique experience when I scrapbook. When I look at a photograph, I'm able to go back to that moment in time and relive it. I know it may sound crazy, but I can re-live the moments in a way that involves many of my senses. I don't know how to explain it... I guess this could be a good and a bad thing, as far as coping goes. Staying in/with these photos means that I'm staying in the past and denying the present. It's almost like, if I look at them long enough, maybe I'll be me again (the me before the accident) - I know that that sounds ridiculous and that it can't happen, but it's sometimes a trap that I fall into. It can be good to remember the past, but we must accept the present and move on to our future.

Here are a few pages from my 2008 scrapbook. The first two are of my twin neices (my brother's kids) and my nephew (my brother-in-law's kid). The next one is of my sister, who is one of my closest friends. The third ones are our engagement. And, the last two are my car accident (10/10/08).

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

Writing (and reading). Due to my injuries, I cannot always write in a journal with a pen (like I would rather do) or write/type as much as I'd like to, and I have difficulty reading as much because of concentration and memory problems that come along with my migraine disorder. But I continue to read and write, as much as I am able to. Reading books, reading blogs and poetry, journaling, writing letters, writing poetry, coming up with book titles and ideas, blogging, etc... it all fascinates me! It's something that I have always had a passion for, and that passion seems heightened (at times) by the roller coaster of emotions that come along with having chronic pain. I write from the heart - making myself vulnerable through the use of words on a page. This has been extremely thereapeutic and cathartic for me. It's a way to acknowledge and release emotions. It's a way to express things that you may not otherwise be able to express. It's a way to grow as a person.

I've always had a wall up around me, only allowing others to see just as much of me as I wanted them to see. There have been very few that I have opened up to and really allowed to see me, and even then... it's usually guarded by only letting them see only one part or side of me. Posting my writing and allowing others to follow my journey with this chronic illness is a GIANT step for me (those who do know me well, know how true this is). I feel a release when I am able to express in words what I am going through. And, it's a feeling I could never explain, when something I've written resonates with someone else and allows them to feel a sense of release because their emotions or experiences have finally been expressed. It truly is a blessing!

Autumn Changes

Autumn is my favorite time of year. The seasons are changing and there is a crispness in the air that refreshes my soul. Perhaps the changing of the weather and the seasons of nature will be mirrored by changes in the seasons of my life. Things have been very rough lately... so, we're praying that October is the month that turns things around. My wonderful husband and I will be celebrating our one year anniversary October 17th, so that's exciting. Plus, there are several other amazing opportunities that could blossom and be answers to some of our prayers. We have a new sense of hope.

Fall is in the air.
The weather is cooler, and
the crisp breeze reminds me of change.

October offers new potential
and great opportunities.
This could be the month that turns our lives around.

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

Below are some of the autumn/fall quotes that I like, so I thought I'd share them:

• "It is only the farmer who faithfully plants seeds in the Spring, who reaps a harvest in Autumn." ~ B. C. Forbes
• "Even if something is left undone, everyone must take time to sit still and watch the leaves turn." ~ Elizabeth Lawrence
• "Every leaf speaks bliss to me, fluttering from the autumn tree." ~ Emily Bronte
• "Autumn is a second spring when every leaf is a flower." ~ Albert Camus
• "Autumn is the eternal corrective. It is ripeness and color and a time of maturity; but it is also breadth, and depth, and distance. What man can stand with autumn on a hilltop and fail to see the span of his world and the meaning of the rolling hills that reach to the far horizon?" ~ Hal Borland

Anxiously Hopeful

Anxiously Hopeful

Wonder and anxiety
pulsate through my entire being.

Could this be...
the miracle I've been praying for,
or just something that's "too good to be true"?

I am swamped with
emotions...hope...possibilities,
but I must keep my guard up to protect myself.

What if it doesn't work for me?
How will I deal with such devastation and disappointment?
Will I be able to handle it?
Will I be able to pick myself back up and continue trying, without losing hope?

On the other hand, what if it does work for me?
What will I do with the plethora of possibilities?
How will I deal with getting my life back?
What a blessing it would be,
but it is a bit daunting and overwhelming to think about.

Either way, I must always remember
to be patient and take things one step at a time,
to keep my focus and faith on the Lord, and
to allow God to work through me so that He may be glorified.

Lord, you know the suffering I endure daily.
You hear the cries of my mind, body, and soul.
But You also know what is best for me.
Please give me the patience, trust, strength,
courage, and peace that I need. Amen.

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42)

Anxiously Hopeful, continued

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

An Update: The Days After the ER

First, thank you for all of the kind words and prayers. It means more to me than y'all know.

So, I slept off and on the night after my ER visit. We kept a close eye on my blood pressure (BP). I've been tracking it at different times, and it's fluctuating more than normal... so that is a bit of a concern right now.

My foot:  I remember it hurting bad in the ambulance and at the hospital, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. Apparently, when the people that carried me inside picked me up, my feet drug on the concrete a bit. The day after the ER, my foot started hurting me pretty bad. It got to the point, by the end of the day, that I could barely walk or put pressure on it. It was red, swollen, and there was a red line that started at the scrape and went several inches up my foot toward my leg. An infection. So, my mom and I started washing it with hydrogen peroxide, soaking it in Epsom salt water, and putting Neosporin on it (repeating several times a day). We were able to stop the infection from spreading (thank God). It still hurts, but the past few days have been progressively getting better (more mobility and less pain and swelling).

My head: Still having daily migraines. I had one that was really bad the latter half of Saturday... preventing me from going to a friend's wedding. I felt horrible not being able to go - angry as heck at these stupid migraines that keep interfering with my life!

I'm still trying to get in to see my doctor this week because we really need to talk about what's going on. This is the first time that I've ever written a 5 on my 1 to 5 pain scale. I told my doctor up-front that I rarely give either extreme, and that it would take an extreme emergency for me to even go to the ER (which would "deserve" a 5 rating, i.e., excruciating headache/migraine). I'm extremely stubborn / bull-headed, and tend to push through (or at least try) pain that perhaps I need to seek professional help for... but that's a whole other thing...

I'm so glad that my husband came into town this weekend because I really needed him to take care of me. I hadn't seen him in almost a week, though, so it stunk that the weekend was spent with migraines and pain. I have been irritable and increasingly frustrated the past few days. It takes so long and so much energy to get done even the smallest of tasks, and I HATE IT! I'm trying so hard to be patient with myself and pace my activities. I'm doing a lot better, but I hate the feeling of getting nothing done... all the time. I hope to see my doctor on Wednesday, and then my family and I are going to a seminar about neurostimulators that evening. We'll see how all of that goes.

P.S. Please check out my other blog, which I recently posted on: Unfolding the Rosebud.

Graceful Agony's Round 2 Blog Carnival

Graceful Agony's Round 2 Blog Carnival is up and running. The topic for this blog carnival was 'Depression: Who turned out the lights?' Thank you to Jolene for organizing the various posts for the carnival. It's hard to say that I enjoyed reading everyone's posts about depression, but I definitely identified with many of them. I'm glad that people were willing to write about and share their experiences... I know that's something I often struggle with. Please check out the posts for this round of blog posts.

ER Visit: Scary Day

Well, I haven't been to the ER in almost 2 years (I went the night of my car accident and then about a month later)... until today.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew I was in for a rough day... You know, those days when the pain is so bad that you don't even have the energy or ability to put on your "I'm okay" mask?! My head was already monster migraine level, I was shaking/tremor, and I couldn't stop crying because the pain was so bad. I had a dentist appointment (cleaning) I had to get to in the next 45 minutes. I tried to get a hold of a friend to drive me, so that I could take some migraine medicine; but I couldn't get a hold of her. I called my mom, who was able to get off work and drive me. So, I took my medicine, and we went to the dentist.

This is only the 3rd time I've taken this horrible medicine. The first time, my husband ended up having to carry me around the apartment because I couldn't walk (or crawl) straight. The second time I took it, I felt sorta weird, but was able to function. I don't even remember if they helped my migraine pain. But, I knew that my only other option was to take the one other abortive medication that my doctor prescribed me, which I've been trying for over a month and a half without much relief (just the side effects). So, I decided to take the scary pill.

I did well at the dentist's office. I told them up front that I had a bad migraine and had taken this medicine. So, once we were done with the cleaning, they helped walk me back to the waiting room where my mom was waiting for me. I sat down for a moment, and when I stood back up (slowly), I started feeling a little weird. We started walking outside to our car (that was very close to the office door), and I didn't feel right... I started blacking out or something... I tried to brace myself on the car just to get to the passenger side and get in the car before I fell or something. I got to the door and apparently knelt down...

It's all a blur from there, but apparently I passed out. My dentist, mom, and a few others helped get/drag me inside and laid me on the sofa in the waiting room. I was out cold for a while. I started coming in and out, which was so surreal. I was pale, weak, hurting... they put ice on my forehead, which hurt worse. They called the paramedics to come out. So, all of a sudden, there are all of these men there asking me questions and taking my blood pressure. They took me in the ambulance to the ER - at which time my blood pressure was 59/37 (see chart below)! They did some tests, gave me lots of fluids, and gave me some hard-core meds (which I could feel the effects of, but I still had a migraine). They couldn't give me anymore narcotics because my blood pressure wouldn't get above 84/51.

I missed my appointment with my neurologist / headache specialist, but the ER doctor talked to him. I hope I can get in from someone cancelling next week because I only plan on being in town another week or so. Oy!

I am sooo grateful that my mom was there with me. My dad took off work and was there the whole time, too. We were there for about 6 hours. My husband is driving into town tomorrow morning to be here with me.

I still hurt and am tired... it's definitely been a long day of pain... I think I'm going to call it a night. I pray that I wake up to a better tomorrow.