Anxiously Hopeful

Anxiously Hopeful

Wonder and anxiety
pulsate through my entire being.

Could this be...
the miracle I've been praying for,
or just something that's "too good to be true"?

I am swamped with
emotions...hope...possibilities,
but I must keep my guard up to protect myself.

What if it doesn't work for me?
How will I deal with such devastation and disappointment?
Will I be able to handle it?
Will I be able to pick myself back up and continue trying, without losing hope?

On the other hand, what if it does work for me?
What will I do with the plethora of possibilities?
How will I deal with getting my life back?
What a blessing it would be,
but it is a bit daunting and overwhelming to think about.

Either way, I must always remember
to be patient and take things one step at a time,
to keep my focus and faith on the Lord, and
to allow God to work through me so that He may be glorified.

Lord, you know the suffering I endure daily.
You hear the cries of my mind, body, and soul.
But You also know what is best for me.
Please give me the patience, trust, strength,
courage, and peace that I need. Amen.

"Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done" (Luke 22:42)

Anxiously Hopeful, continued

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

An Update: The Days After the ER

First, thank you for all of the kind words and prayers. It means more to me than y'all know.

So, I slept off and on the night after my ER visit. We kept a close eye on my blood pressure (BP). I've been tracking it at different times, and it's fluctuating more than normal... so that is a bit of a concern right now.

My foot:  I remember it hurting bad in the ambulance and at the hospital, but I didn't think anything of it at the time. Apparently, when the people that carried me inside picked me up, my feet drug on the concrete a bit. The day after the ER, my foot started hurting me pretty bad. It got to the point, by the end of the day, that I could barely walk or put pressure on it. It was red, swollen, and there was a red line that started at the scrape and went several inches up my foot toward my leg. An infection. So, my mom and I started washing it with hydrogen peroxide, soaking it in Epsom salt water, and putting Neosporin on it (repeating several times a day). We were able to stop the infection from spreading (thank God). It still hurts, but the past few days have been progressively getting better (more mobility and less pain and swelling).

My head: Still having daily migraines. I had one that was really bad the latter half of Saturday... preventing me from going to a friend's wedding. I felt horrible not being able to go - angry as heck at these stupid migraines that keep interfering with my life!

I'm still trying to get in to see my doctor this week because we really need to talk about what's going on. This is the first time that I've ever written a 5 on my 1 to 5 pain scale. I told my doctor up-front that I rarely give either extreme, and that it would take an extreme emergency for me to even go to the ER (which would "deserve" a 5 rating, i.e., excruciating headache/migraine). I'm extremely stubborn / bull-headed, and tend to push through (or at least try) pain that perhaps I need to seek professional help for... but that's a whole other thing...

I'm so glad that my husband came into town this weekend because I really needed him to take care of me. I hadn't seen him in almost a week, though, so it stunk that the weekend was spent with migraines and pain. I have been irritable and increasingly frustrated the past few days. It takes so long and so much energy to get done even the smallest of tasks, and I HATE IT! I'm trying so hard to be patient with myself and pace my activities. I'm doing a lot better, but I hate the feeling of getting nothing done... all the time. I hope to see my doctor on Wednesday, and then my family and I are going to a seminar about neurostimulators that evening. We'll see how all of that goes.

P.S. Please check out my other blog, which I recently posted on: Unfolding the Rosebud.

Graceful Agony's Round 2 Blog Carnival

Graceful Agony's Round 2 Blog Carnival is up and running. The topic for this blog carnival was 'Depression: Who turned out the lights?' Thank you to Jolene for organizing the various posts for the carnival. It's hard to say that I enjoyed reading everyone's posts about depression, but I definitely identified with many of them. I'm glad that people were willing to write about and share their experiences... I know that's something I often struggle with. Please check out the posts for this round of blog posts.

ER Visit: Scary Day

Well, I haven't been to the ER in almost 2 years (I went the night of my car accident and then about a month later)... until today.

As soon as I woke up this morning, I knew I was in for a rough day... You know, those days when the pain is so bad that you don't even have the energy or ability to put on your "I'm okay" mask?! My head was already monster migraine level, I was shaking/tremor, and I couldn't stop crying because the pain was so bad. I had a dentist appointment (cleaning) I had to get to in the next 45 minutes. I tried to get a hold of a friend to drive me, so that I could take some migraine medicine; but I couldn't get a hold of her. I called my mom, who was able to get off work and drive me. So, I took my medicine, and we went to the dentist.

This is only the 3rd time I've taken this horrible medicine. The first time, my husband ended up having to carry me around the apartment because I couldn't walk (or crawl) straight. The second time I took it, I felt sorta weird, but was able to function. I don't even remember if they helped my migraine pain. But, I knew that my only other option was to take the one other abortive medication that my doctor prescribed me, which I've been trying for over a month and a half without much relief (just the side effects). So, I decided to take the scary pill.

I did well at the dentist's office. I told them up front that I had a bad migraine and had taken this medicine. So, once we were done with the cleaning, they helped walk me back to the waiting room where my mom was waiting for me. I sat down for a moment, and when I stood back up (slowly), I started feeling a little weird. We started walking outside to our car (that was very close to the office door), and I didn't feel right... I started blacking out or something... I tried to brace myself on the car just to get to the passenger side and get in the car before I fell or something. I got to the door and apparently knelt down...

It's all a blur from there, but apparently I passed out. My dentist, mom, and a few others helped get/drag me inside and laid me on the sofa in the waiting room. I was out cold for a while. I started coming in and out, which was so surreal. I was pale, weak, hurting... they put ice on my forehead, which hurt worse. They called the paramedics to come out. So, all of a sudden, there are all of these men there asking me questions and taking my blood pressure. They took me in the ambulance to the ER - at which time my blood pressure was 59/37 (see chart below)! They did some tests, gave me lots of fluids, and gave me some hard-core meds (which I could feel the effects of, but I still had a migraine). They couldn't give me anymore narcotics because my blood pressure wouldn't get above 84/51.

I missed my appointment with my neurologist / headache specialist, but the ER doctor talked to him. I hope I can get in from someone cancelling next week because I only plan on being in town another week or so. Oy!

I am sooo grateful that my mom was there with me. My dad took off work and was there the whole time, too. We were there for about 6 hours. My husband is driving into town tomorrow morning to be here with me.

I still hurt and am tired... it's definitely been a long day of pain... I think I'm going to call it a night. I pray that I wake up to a better tomorrow.

When Depression Hits

 A Silent Cry

My heart and soul ache
at the memory of who I was
and the thought of lost possibilities.

These losses seem like so long ago,
just a distant memory;
and yet they continually haunt me.

What is to become of me?
The uncertainty is a painful reminder
that things will never be the same.

It has been almost two years since the accident,
and yet I still cannot accept the changes
in who I am and what I will be.

Will the pain ever cease --
the pain of knowing that I'll never be the same,
the pain that holds my life captive?

I have lost all self-confidence,
I have struggled with my trust in the Lord,
I have shut out friends and loved-ones,
I have missed opportunities,
I have changed.

© 2010 Jamie Valendy.

I've suffered from depression for years, but the worst of it has been since my car accident triggered chronic pain that has taken over my life. I think that depression is just as misunderstood by most people as chronic pain. Just as migraine is not just a bad headache, depression is not just a lot of sadness. Describing depression to someone that has not experienced it him/herself is like trying to describe chronic migraine to someone that has never experienced a migraine (or even headache).

Having a loving support system (through my family, friends, and church) has been key to getting through those dark times that feel like they will never release you. It is normally indirect support, since I tend to internalize things and try to handle it on my own. After years of fighting depression, I know how difficult it is to reach out to get help, even from those close to us. But, it is an important step. Most family and friends cannot help enough through the darkest of times, so it may be necessary to reach out to a professional. There is no shame in this... though, again, I know it can be one of the hardest things to do.

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

http://invisibleillnessweek.com/

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic post-traumatic headache/migraine
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2008 - after a car accident
3. But I had symptoms since: some headaches throughout teenage years
4. The biggest adjustment I've had to make is: not always being able to take care of myself / depending on other people so much. Also, accepting that my relationships and plans for my life would be very different from now on. And, giving up my perfectionist tendencies and accept "good enough" because that's all I am often able to do.
5. Most people assume: that nothing is wrong with me / that I'm fine
6. The hardest part about mornings are: getting up
7. My favorite medical TV show is: House, CSI (Miami, New York)
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my computer
9. The hardest part about nights are: getting to and staying asleep. I often wake up because of the pain
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins: I plead the fifth
11. Regarding alternative treatments I have tried: massage, physical therapy, chiropractic
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: this is a really tough one. My instinct is to say a visible illness, but I know that there is a whole stigma attached with that too. However, at least people wouldn't question that I even have an illness... which is very difficult to hear as someone dealing with chronic pain. At least with an invisible illness, I don't always have people looking at me strangely or asking me what's wrong/what happened.
13. Regarding working and career: I have been unable to work since the accident in 2008. I am currently taking a leave of absence from graduate school.
14. People would be surprised to know: I am in pain (often severe) every single day
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: that I have changed and that I have limitations - I can't "do it all" anymore.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: plan the wedding of my dreams
17. The commercials about my illness: well, the only ones I've seen are for Excedrin Migraine, which are very misleading as to what migraine really is and how debilitating it can be.
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Well, this could be a very long list... I miss reading. The visual disturbances, migraine pain, cognitive difficulties, memory troubles, limitations on doing any task... make it difficult to read
19. It was really hard to have to give up: who I was before the accident... I still haven't completely let go of that yet
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: blogging
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: have no idea what to do with myself (assuming "normal" is feeling "good," not what my "normal" has become)! It's been so long since I've felt good...
22. My illness has taught me: to recognize the strength that I DO have, but to bring me to the end of my own resources... to bring me closer to God. It is teaching me to TRUST God more... but it is definitely a process.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: Migraines are just bad headaches; take some pills and keep going / move on, it can't be that bad
24. But I love it when people: Show that they care. Even just little things like: being aware of how bright a room is, asking if the TV/radio is too loud, rubbing my neck/shoulders/head, treating me like a person rather than the disease/illness
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is:

• "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)
• "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (James 1:2-4)
• "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart" (Jeremiah 29:13)
• "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6)

26. When someone is diagnosed I'd like to tell them: keep yourself informed - research things online, ask your doctor questions, do your best to understand and articulate your disease/illness. Don't feel like you're alone - join blogging, church, or other support group(s) to help you through the difficult times that you will go through.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: how strong I can be, and how many people misunderstand invisible illnesses so much that even their well-intentioned words and actions can be hurtful.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn't feeling well was: take care of me... When I have a bad migraine, my husband does everything he can to take care of me (feeds me, makes sure I take my medicine, massage my head/neck/shoulders/back/feet, make sure I'm in a dark room and am as comfortable as I can be, and anything else that I need).
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: I feel that we need to speak out and get more awareness and understanding out into the public view about invisible illnesses - they are real and often difficult to bear.
30. The fact that you read this list make me feel: heard/validated, and hopefully a bit better understood. It gives me hope that invisible illnesses can be better understood, if only people will listen.