A Life-Affirming Visit

You know those amazing, life-affirming visits with someone (be it a friend or a stranger), where you leave feeling that your soul has been refreshed / renewed?

I had one of those Sunday night. I had a chance to visit with a long-time friend of the family, who I only get to see every four or five years. She happened to be in town for a few days, and I (thankfully) was feeling well enough to visit a bit with her and some of my family.

She and I chatted with one another for a little while, and I feel that we connected in a special way. She shared with me how she saw me before the chronic migraines (very active and busy, an intellectual, etc), and then recognized and allowed me to talk about the difficulties that have come with learning to live life with so much pain and so many limitations. She said she knows I've always been determined and strong, and that she knows I'll do my best to be and live as well as possible.

She shared bits of wisdom that she's learned over a lifetime of experiences... bits of wisdom that seem so simple and basic, but are truly life-changing:

• Listen carefully to your body.
• Do what feels right to and for you (call it your gut, instinct, or just a feeling).
• Be okay / comfortable with the decisions you make.
• What others say to / about you is about them, not you.
• Don't spend precious time and energy on wasteful things. 

• such as, thinking or worrying about... what others say to/about you, expectations of self and others (what you should be doing), what may or may not happen, and other things that are out of our control.

• There is meaning and purpose in life, even when it doesn't feel like there is.
• The faith that we gain during times of struggle are priceless.

I'm sure there are other things that'll keep coming to mind, as the words shared between us play in my mind further. There were aspects of this journey that I haven't talked about in quite a long time (like identifying myself with my intellect, and the loss of that when I struggled with and then decided not to continue graduate school). It was interesting for me to see what I've dealt and come to terms with, and what is still a little raw to talk about. I know that this is all a journey, and it was nice to share parts of my journey with this friend.

I feel validated and better understood. I also feel a renewed sense of hope and direction that feels great!

I count myself so blessed to have this person in my life, and that she was willing to spend some time sharing with and really listening to me. My heart is filled with gratitude!

First Round of Botox

I've been away a while because we moved into our house about a week and a half ago, but we just got internet hooked up yesterday.

First, I'm incredibly grateful for all those that kept me in their thoughts and prayers today. I feel so blessed to have such amazing loved ones / prayer warriors, and I know that it's only by God's grace that I made it through the fears and pain today (and every day!).

After some crazy-bad anxiety leading up to it, my first round of Botox went alright today. I'm so glad that I
took anti-anxiety meds beforehand. And, I listened to some advice from other that've had Botox done before - such as, being mindful to keep breathing, ask for short breaks as needed.

I'd be lying if I said that it didn't hurt, but I think part of it was that I was already ultra-sensitive because of dealing with a migraine during the treatment. The injections in the neck / shoulder areas were more painful than the others. The few (one, in particular) in my right shoulder were really bad. My right shoulder is the one I injured in my car accident and have had trouble with ever since... yowza!

Overall, I think it went as well, or better, than I expected.

I'm thankful that Jeremy was with me the whole time. He had some trouble with it and had to sit down about halfway through. I think he was taking some of my burden away from me and it got the best of him. He's alright, but it was harder for him than either of us anticipated.

They played some music of my choice, and God blessed me with songs that really helped me through:

• Blessings by Laura Story
• Overcomer by Mandisa

After the treatment, my head felt heavy, yet light. It was weird. I've been having difficulty with my balance, so definitely glad Jeremy was here to help keep me from running or falling into things as much. I came home and slept for quite a while (probably 4-5 hours).

I still have the migraine I had when I got up this morning, but it doesn't seem to have gotten much worse, which is good. I'm starting to get tired again, so I'm going to head to bed (hopefully to get some more sleep).

Again, thank you for all the prayers and support. We'll see how things go from here.

We're Getting A House!

I've been dying to share this news, but I've been struggling with severe insomnia and migraines...

We're getting a house!

We close next week! So, things have been pretty stressful and hectic. We're so blessed and excited to be taking this step together.

Giving Botox a Shot

I'm going to give Botox a shot (ha ha, a shot!). I've written about considering Botox before:

• Considering Botox (Part 1)
• Considering Botox (Part 2)

I'm scheduled for my first treatment on August 15 with my headache doctor.

I have to say that I'm struggling a little bit with how I'm feeling about it. I'm definitely still nervous about the needles, but I don't feel quite as anxious as I've felt in the past when I was considering trying this treatment. I don't know if it's a sense of peace that now is the right time for me to try Botox... or if it's more feeling resigned to the fact that my insurance has approved it through the end of August and I don't want to have to get re- pre-approved, so I've kinda resigned myself to the fact that now might be as good a time as ever to try the treatment.

If the treatment works, then that's awesome! The sooner, the better!

If it doesn't work... well, I guess it's just another treatment tried and failed. I'm trying to be realistic with myself about how much (or little) I'm deep-down expecting and wanting this treatment to help. I didn't like getting surprised when I was disappointed by a medicine back in May (I'll try to catch y'all up on that soon) - I thought I was cautiously hopeful, but I was heart-broken when it not only didn't work, but I had a bad reaction to it.

I'm doing my best to just take things one step at a time, always trusting my life with our Lord.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" (Jeremiah 29:11)

ER Visit - Abdominal Pain

Me, drinking the contrast for the CT scan.

On Tuesday, May 28, 2013, I ended up in the Emergency Room (ER).

I had severe abdominal pain that reached emergency level. I'd been hurting all day, but had a horrible pain episode in the early evening (luckily, it was after Jeremy got home, so I wasn't alone). Thankfully, Jeremy made the decision that he was taking me to the ER because I wasn't thinking clearly because of the pain.

It hurt to move at all - in fact, it took a while to get to the car and then into the ER simply because it hurt too much to move or even to breathe.

The ride there was incredibly painful, but we finally made it. As soon as we got inside to the ER lobby, I threw up, was violently shaking, and had numbness / tingling in my hands / arms (and I'd had bad diarrhea Sunday night and part of Monday).

They think it might've been my appendix, and they almost admitted me to the hospital overnight. My white blood cell count was really high. I had a CT scan with contrast - they couldn't see the appendix, but the area nearby wasn't inflamed like they'd expect to see with a severe appendicitis. After speaking with the surgeon, the doctor had me have an abdominal / pelvic ultrasound to check my ovaries (specifically, my right one, since that's the side the worst pain was on) - right ovary looked good, I do have a cyst on my left ovary, but he didn't seem concerned about it.

We got to the ER about 6:30 or 7pm, and were there until almost 2:30am. By 1 or 2am, most of the pain had dissipated. So, the doctor decided that with the tests plus his exams and my pain reports, that I'd be okay to go home. I was released, with the understanding that I was to return if the pain came back. So, no definitive answers - very well could be my appendix, but not sure.

It's Been A While & Neck / Shoulder Pain

I've been away... for quite a long time. I apologize for my absence. There are many things that have been happening, some of which are still being worked out. There's a lot that I'd like to share with you guys. I definitely want to get back to blogging more soon, but it may still be a little bit before I can do that. We'll see how things go... so, please stay tuned. 

At the beginning of April, I started having increasingly severe neck pain; and by the end of the month, my right shoulder started to ache deeply (in addition to the severe neck pain).

The intense neck and shoulder pain really broke me down, making me feel like I was just falling apart. I couldn't find any relief or peace. Everything came to a head, so I went to the doctor to try to help with the severe neck pain (stiffness to the point that I couldn't turn my head to the left), right shoulder pain, tingling and numbness in several fingers... it was bad.

Here's what I wrote on May 3, 2013:

The pain type and intensity are eerily similar to right after the car accident in '08 (at least as much as I can recall). I feel overwhelmed with A LOT of thoughts and emotions that race through me. The pain has made it hard to write or type... even texting. It's re-closing my world, and I don't know what to do. I keep reminding myself that I've grown so much since right after the accident, but I don't know if I can do all this again. 

I went to the doctor today. (5/3). Long story short(er), the severe neck / shoulder pain (and subsequent tingling and numbness in my right hand) could be caused by a few different things - could be muscle spasms squeezing the nerve, bursitis, lasting effects from my car accident, a muscle tear, a bulging disc, etc. It's complicated by the fact that the medical test to best narrow it down is an MRI, which I can't have because of my neurostimulator. My doctor said that there's pain in the rotator cuff, so we might be able to get rid of most of the pain and then just have to deal with the cuff. Or, meds + rest + ice could take care of it. There's so many different possible causes, treatments, and outcomes.

So, I was on muscle relaxants for a couple weeks, and took NSAIDs for a month. I also rested and iced the area. Thankfully, all of this helped, and I've gotten back to my normal levels of neck and shoulder stiffness and pain... which is still pretty bad, but no where near as horrible as it was then (and no tingling / numbness).

During this very difficult and painful time, I reached out to a dear friend, who offered me hope and encouragement. She reminded me of God's promises:

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jeremiah 29:11).

She also reminded me that even when we wonder what God's purpose is for us, when we're unable to write, talk, or even pray most days... that what matters most to God is His relationship with each of us... and, even though we may want more (to be able to do more)... He only longs for us to be in and with Him.

So, when I'm hurting so badly that I can't really do much of anything and I feel worthless / helpless / etc... as long as I focus on being in the moment with Him, I'm exactly where He wants me to be... and that's what I cling to.

[Please stay tuned for more updates.]