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Monday, August 18, 2014

The Dark Duo, Continued (4/9/14)

Here are some other thoughts from April 2014.

This post was written 4/9/2014:

How am I supposed to keep from feeling defeated, when so much of what I try to do defeats me.

Picking weeds (because our yard looks ridiculous)... I know that it's hard work, so I've been pacing myself and doing a little bit every day or two. But, I can't seem to get a handle on it. What's worse is that I'm struggling to physically be able to do it, even for short periods of time. I don't like feeling like I can't do something, so I continue plugging away a little at a time... but, it's not working. It's just making me feel worse about myself. My spirit is willing, but my body isn't able. And, I don't know what to do with that.

This post was written 4/6/2014:

The words of the enemy have been eating away at me, no matter how hard I try to stop them. I struggle to find anything of meaning to do in my life. Hearing the eulogy at my grandmother's funeral (in February) made me think how little there would be to say at my own. I know that's dark, but that's where I am right now. 

The enemy tells me that I don't and can't do anything meaningful. And, I feel like I can't argue with him. While I'd love nothing more than to prove him wrong, I don't know how to. I don't have the energy or the mindset to fight right now. 

So, I'm trying to remind myself (and God has placed angels in my life to remind me) that I have the King of Kings, the Lord of lords, the God of angel armies, fighting for me... that my Lord will provide the strength I need.

But, the enemy just gets louder.

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing your raw feelings and how the depression is affecting you, Jamie. I am in awe of your willingness to be open. I know you know these things, but I'm gonna say them anyway. :) God has you and the Spirit is fighting for you when you feel you cannot. I am here for you when the enemy is in your ear.

    "My spirit is willing but my body isn't able. I don't know what to do with that." I get you, hon. I feel the same way daily. I truly believe that God looks at us completely differently than we look at ourselves. In struggling with this myself, I feel like God is preparing us for something special that we cannot see yet. What we are not able to do, the Lord sees so much more. But that doesn't mean I'm okay with that. I want so much more but in His sovereignty He is saying no and that is really difficult. I grieve with you at the loss of what you are not able to do. I understand in the only way I can through my experiences. Love you dear friend.

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    1. Thank you for your encouragement. Thank you for reminding me that the Spirit fights for me when I cannot, and that He has a plan that is perfect. It really is difficult. Love you, too.

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