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Friday, July 15, 2011

Expectations and Relationships

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in a while. I've had some really rough migraines, and we're trying to get adjusted to Jeremy's new job (and everything that comes with starting a job... like enrolling in insurance and retirement programs, moving, etc...).

We're staying with Jeremy's parents, until we move into our apartment in a few weeks. So, it really doesn't feel like we've moved... it still feels like a visit (a long visit, but still a visit). I don't think living in Texas again is going to really hit, until we get settled into our own apartment.

I know I've written about expectations before (Expectations and Recovery), but they continually come up... especially in light of us moving back home. I am BEYOND thrilled that we're going to be living closer to family. BUT, I don't think that they (this is mainly an extended family issue) all understand that just because we live close, doesn't mean that we're suddenly going to make it to ALL the family get-togethers. I'm learning how to say, "NO" to things that I either am UNABLE to go to OR that I don't really want to go to (it's a balancing thing).

Most people don't seem to understand how DIFFICULT it is to have to really pick and choose what to spend your energy on. It's not like I used to be... "however much I can fit into the day... plus some." I have a very limited amount of energy (some days it might be higher / lower), and I have to choose to do things that I really NEED to do... some days, I'm happy to have the energy to be able to brush my teeth, eat, and sleep. I know that sounds pitiful... but, some days, that's all I have in me.

I talked with a friend the other day, who said to me, "Keep in touch, okay? You have a really bad habit of not." It really struck a nerve with me. I said, "I know" (then there was an awkward pause, like I was supposed to apologize). It's not even worth it to try to explain stuff to most people. It's NOT a habit, it's just how things are right now. And, I'm NOT going to apologize! It's taken me a LONG time to BEGIN to accept the limitations I now have, and I'm determined to try my best to NOT let others make me feel guilty for stuff like this (or for having to cancel plans, etc...). Some days, it's SUPER-hard to be firm about it, but I have to... for ME.

Also, relationships work BOTH ways. I don't have a whole lot going on, most of the time... "yep, I'm still constantly in pain." Plus, I simply DON'T have the energy to do a whole lot of "keeping in touch." My family is the most important, and I try to make sure they know what's going on. Other than that, it's gotta just be sporadic, especially if you refuse to converse with me online through email (this allows me to respond whenever I feel up to it, and to be able to think through what I'm saying) or come to me where I am (I don't drive much now... and I can't, if I have to take my migraine meds).

I'm sorry for the rant... but, it just bothers me sometimes, when people can be so... I don't even know the word... insensitive?