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Monday, May 9, 2011

Mixed Feelings This Graduation Season

I've been having some mixed feelings well up over the last couple of weeks. Back in the fall of 2009, I decided to begin graduate school. Some of my journey has been written in a previous post, Pursuing a Degree with Migraine Agony. So, let's just say that my health worsened and I ended up taking a leave of absence after 2 semesters (after the Spring 2010 semester).

Well, the people that were part of my cohort graduated this past weekend. It was my plan to graduate this year, as well. And, as proud as I am of them, it's difficult to see graduation pictures of them without me there, too.

This has actually come as quite a surprise to me because I've been at peace with my decision not to return to graduate school (at least not right now). But, it's still a reminder that I was unable to attain a goal I set for myself, due to my health issues. I find myself feeling extremely jealous of those that completed the program, and I'm not quite sure how to move past it right now.

Yesterday, I wrote a post on my other blog that I really need to try to keep in my heart and mind. The post is called Wait and See by Brandon Heath. I have trouble being patient, but I need to remember the words to this song. Here are some of the ones that are touching me so much right now... 
There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

5 comments:

  1. Sometimes it is very sad to see your life and goals sidelined by illness. Hoping you will be able to pick up the reins and go at it again. it took me about 30 years to graduate college the first time, and I had to drop out of graduate school with just about a year left on a three year dual degree because of The Headache. Hugh sigh.

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  2. Gentle hugs, Jamie. That would be really, really hard.

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  3. How do you keep the faith? I have lost all faith in everything. It is hard to believe that God wanted me to have the kind of life I have been given. So, how? How do you do it?
    (I am new - I have had debilitating migraines every day for 8 years)

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  4. Ali, welcome to my blog. I'm so glad you stopped by, and that you felt free to leave a comment.

    Your questions are both easy and hard to answer. I don't really have a logical explanation of how I keeep the faith.

    My accident took a huge toll on my spiritual life. It took a lot of tears and fighting with God to get to the point I'm at, and I still have a long way to go. I try to spend some time in His Word (reminding myself of His promises and others that went through difficult times), though I'm not able to as much as I'd like to right now.

    For a long while after the accident, I was so angry with God that I would wrestle with it and then just stop even trying. I stopped going to church and praying. During that time, I asked for the prayers of others, as I wasn't able to pray myself. Eventually, I slowly started praying more, though still leaning a lot on others.

    I still have ups and downs. I prayed and told God that I didn't want to lose my faith, but that I didn't know how to release the feelings I was having and let down my guard. He eventually softened my heart, and I began my way back into His arms.

    It can be so hard to keep the faith, especially when something like chronic illness is so much of your life. But, God is faithful. He has continually provided for my husband and me. He has sent people into my life to help me through difficult times. This is definitely NOT how I would've preferred to learn the lessons I feel I'm learning through this process - trust in Him, humility, patience, flexibility/adaptability - but I'm trying to release the anger and embrace this time for what it's teaching me. You can grow stronger in your faith through such difficult times, but it's a process (often a difficult one).

    Ali, I'm so sorry that you've lost all faith in everything. That breaks my heart... partially because I've been in that place. I don't believe that God wants us to have the kind of life we've been given, but we cannot understand His will. He can work in and through you in any circumstance, so we must try to believe that and allow Him to do so. It's hard, though. You will be in my prayers, Ali.

    If you'd like to chat through email, leave your email address in a comment (I won't publish it onto the blog, but then I can email you).

    "Be still and know that I am God" (Psalm 46:10)

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