A Look Back at 2023

It's the end of 2024. As I reflect on this year, I realize that I never posted about 2023. So, here it is. 

Note: I wrote this in December 2023.

I last posted about 2022 (and here's 2021). I may not always share an annual blog post. I don't want to place pressure on myself to write one. I'm allowing space for myself to do so, if it feels right. 

I closed out the year wanting 2023 to be "full of peace, calm, grace, and abundance. I want to flow through the challenges that will inevitably show up. I want to be present in moments of beauty and joy."

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

My previous year's review offered a few questions to ponder. While they're good questions to ask about any chunk of time (a day, week, month, year, and so forth), the new year offers an opportunity to consider them for 2023.

What did you overcome this year?

I faced a lot of fear this year. I was strong and brave in ways that I haven't always noticed. I took chances and opened myself up in new safe spaces. 

This year, I made huge strides in changing the way I relate to myself and my emotions. 

• I'm learning how to be more aware of and better identify and express my emotions. 
• I'm learning more about what I need and want. 
• I'm learning new ways to use my voice. 
• I'm learning more about neural pathways and the relationship between my thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. 

What brought you joy this year?

So much has brought me joy this year. I feel like I'm seeing things through clearer eyes, in some ways. Depression has loosened its grip on me, and life is brighter. 

I have a support system that has offered me safe presence, encouragement, feedback, and guidance. I love sharing space with these souls, even if it's mostly virtually. 

I have been able to spend time with people I love, in-person and virtually. I have been writing more, exploring new recipes, and taking more pictures of beauty.

What do you want next year to look like?

I want next year to be a time of growth and rest, consistency and change, depth and frivolity. I want there to be meaningful conversations, moments of joy, soulful connections. I want my days to be filled with creativity, love, and laughter. 

Questions for reflection (and sharing, if you'd like to). Feel free to adjust the timing to what feels right for you. Perhaps you want to consider these questions for a month, quarter, etc. 

• What did you overcome this year?
• What brought you joy this year?
• What do you want next year to look like?

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Year in Review (2022)

Note: I wrote this in December 2022.

I don't always do a year in review sort of post, though I did in 2021. I was recently part of a writing group that prompted me to consider some questions about this year.

eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

This year has been an intense year. There has been a lot of deep sadness and grief. Depression has taken hold multiple times. Anxiety has spun me around more times than I can count. Pain remains my daily companion.

Through it all, God has remained faithful. I'm grateful for His provision, especially when I don't know what I need.

I have overcome a lot this year. I've made it through every single time that I wasn't sure I would. Every time. Every. Time. I will continue to make it through, even when I'm not sure how.

I did a lot of hard work this year. I tackled depression with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), Ketamine, and therapy. I completed a 3-week intensive pain rehabilitation program. I consistently showed up for physical therapy, both in office and at home. I made it through pelvic trigger point injections and acupuncture. A lot of needles. A lot of pain. A lot of work.

I am a warrior. I’m tired of fighting, and I'm doing my best to find balance.

I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be. Where I thought I would already be. I'm doing my best to accept where I am and continue working to get to where I want to be.

I spent time with family and friends this year, both virtually and in-person. I enjoyed moments of love and laughter.

I want next year to be full of peace, calm, grace, and abundance. I want to flow through the challenges that will inevitably show up. I want to be present in moments of beauty and joy.

Intentionally reflecting allows me to recognize how far I've come.

• Writing about the obstacles that I overcame reminds me of my strength and resilience, and God's faithful provision.
• Remembering the people and moments that brought me joy reminds me of all that I'm so very grateful for.
• Looking forward to the coming year reminds me that there's space to grow and change, and that there's always hope.

Questions for reflection (and sharing, if you'd like to):

• What did you overcome this year?
• What brought you joy this year?
• What do you want next year to look like?

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." - Hal Borland

13 Years Later, Now

I recently posted Reflecting 12 Years Post Accident, which I wrote in 2020. Please feel free to click over and give it a read. While I don't post about it every year, I felt the need to, again, this year (2021).

Mixed emotions. That's how I feel, as the 13th anniversary of my car accident approaches. Each year hits a bit differently. It doesn't always affect me. I took the power of that date back several years ago. I know that the date isn't inherently bad... yet, I feel the weight of it a bit more this year.

Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

This year, it makes sense why it's on my mind more.

On September 30, I woke with what I labeled a "sleeping injury." I had pain and limited range of motion in my right shoulder and neck. I joked about how ridiculous our bodies are, that I could hurt myself while in an unconscious state.

I figured it was simply a matter of sleeping weirdly and that it would dissipate in a few days.

It didn't.

The tightness, pain, limited range of motion worsened each day. I've tried: heat, ice, muscle relaxers, nsaids, theracane, lidocaine patch, gentle massaging and stretching.

My sleep and daily functioning are both being disrupted and limited. I want to write, but I'm having a difficult time physically doing so.

There's an emotional component to this pain, as well, as it's reminiscent of past trauma / pain.

I know that our minds are prone to distort or misremember things, including pain experiences. This is often compounded by time. Understanding all of that, there's still a familiarity with the pain and limited range of motion I've been experiencing.

I injured my neck and right shoulder in a 2008 car accident. While I don't fully remember a chunk of time after the accident, I remember pieces. One of those pieces is that there was a lot of pain and I was physically very limited in using my right arm and neck.

Two years after the car accident, I had a neurostimulator implanted (2010). I had a very long and difficult recovery, including severely limited range of motion in my neck.

I've been doing a good job recognizing the connection to these past traumas / events that my mind and body are making, and reminding myself that they are separate. The car accident isn't happening right now. I am safe. 

In light of current struggles, I'm being reminded:

• Healing isn't linear - past grief, trauma, loss, challenges keep showing up. Each time they do, I do my best to feel it and process through.
• I'm safe - it can be especially difficult to remember this, when there's such similarity in how I feel (physically and/or emotionally). 
• I'll get through this, as I have previous challenges.

Update: I was seen by primary care on 10/5. I woke on the 13th anniversary day (10/10) with the first notable improvement in symptoms since they started. I'm so grateful for that. I have imaging and doctor appointments on the schedule to help determine the path forward.

In Loving Memory of Jordan Conkle

*Sensitive Topic / Trigger Warning: death, suicide

My cousin, Jordan Conkle, died from depression by suicide on November 3rd. 

Loss and grief are part of the human experience, happening in a multitude of different ways throughout our lives. It's never easy. Processing tragic, devastating losses is really hard. I want to share some things that I’ve written, as I've tried to wrap my mind around this loss. It may be a bit bumpy, but grieving is rarely smooth sailing. 

In the Moment

Today started like any other. When I checked my phone, however, I had a missed call and voicemail, overnight. I listened to it and reached out via message to find out more. It was about Jordan, but that's all I knew. I didn't feel up to a phone call, but my anxiety nagged at me, so I texted my sister in law to see if she knew what was going on and if Jordan was alright. She immediately called me. Ok, so it's something that takes explanation. My mind didn't immediately jump to the worst (which is actually an improvement for me). 

Then, she said the words. The words that made everything spin and stop at the same time. 

Jordan ended his life last night.

What?

She repeated it.

I started to collapse down and lose it. Jeremy caught me and helped me safely down to the ground. 

I think I whispered, "Jordan's gone," in disbelief.

There is no good way to find this type of thing out. That said, I'm grateful for the family member that reached out during the night and for my sister in law. She was direct with telling me what happened, and was a soft and safe place for me to experience the initial shock and wave of emotions. I'll always be thankful for her love and care in such a heartbreaking moment.

Thoughts Day-of

Today, I found out that my cousin ended his life last night. I don't know how to wrap my mind around this.

Losing someone is hard. The circumstances around the loss, I find, can magnify different parts of the grieving process. You still must travel through the stages, in whatever order they present and re-present, but some come up more or are more pronounced.

This year, I've lost two people, both completely unexpectedly. I knew losing people would happen. It's part of being human. I wasn't prepared for the losses to strike so soon to people in their 30s, like I am. It's so hard to process, on multiple levels.

I don't want to sit in it, but I've been in the depths of depression. I know how bad that place is, and I'm so grateful that I've gotten out. I know others that have been in that place, too. We live with deep depression. There's a knowing that only people that have experienced that type of depth can have, even though everyone's experience is unique. I try to support those I can, in the ways that I can. They ultimately have to get out of the pit, but I can sit with them and shine a light for them when they're surrounded by darkness. 

I woke today, wishing it had only been a bad dream. It isn't, and that is crushing.

Memorial Service

The memorial service for Jordan was held in-person in Texas, followed by a graveside service. They streamed the memorial service on the church's social media. My sister and I were able to FaceTime and watch together. 

I attended a virtual memorial service earlier this year, but this one felt different. We weren't in Zoom rooms watching the service together. It felt like everyone was gathered together, and we were watching from afar. There was a disconnect. 

During the service, I learned that Jordan's favorite worship song was Here I Am to Worship. Jordan was someone who lived and loved big, and he's deeply missed by many.

I'm grateful for conversations with loved ones, both those also grieving the loss and those supporting me in my grief. I'm grateful for my cousins, who reached out and connected. I'm grateful that my sister and I were able to watch the service and be with one another in the ways we were able. I know that there will be waves of processing and grieving, much of which is done alone. I'm so grateful to have people that love and care surrounding me, who will support me however they can.

The Following Months

The holidays were filled with a lot of different emotions, for a lot of different reasons. In light of a loss in the family, my mind fluttered through memories, specifically those of growing up so close with my cousins. 

On Thanksgiving evening, I began to miss more... our big family Thanksgiving get togethers. Kristin and Jordan would get there later in the day and we'd play games. 

As Christmas approached, I felt the missing grow. Missing out being with family and friends, especially in light of a pandemic and unexpected family loss. I had dream(s) that included PaPa and Jordan, two family losses in as many years. I knew in the dreams that they're no longer with us, but they were special all the same. The one that Jordan was in: I think we were gathered as a family trying to watch his funeral service or something. Jordan came to me. He was younger. And we hugged, the way he did. 

I continue to give myself space to process. I wrote, "Jordan, it's Christmas Eve. We used to spend every one of them together (as we grew older, it was the weekend before Christmas). We would be eating, laughing, opening gifts, sneaking off to play with our gifts as the adults talk."

It's interesting the things we remember. I have tons of memories with Jordan, but many of them are simple moments. The silly grin on his face, his facial expressions, the way he hugged and laughed and smiled. 

As I've been processing, it's clear that we don't always remember the details of a memory or moment. That's ok. We can remember and hold onto how we felt in that person's company or presence. Love, laughter, comfort, calm, joy. All of these are so precious. 

Letter to Jordan

Jordan,

How can you not be here anymore? It's so hard to make sense of this world not having you in it. I know that we haven't kept in touch. But, you always have a place in my heart. I cherish the memories of all of us throughout the years. Watching Milan, playing games, playing pool, dressing you up, going to car shows, monthly family birthday get togethers, Thanksgiving at my parents' house, Christmas at your parents' house... I'm grateful that we were able to have that time together. 

We last saw each other in November 2019 at Grandma's 80th birthday party. When you were leaving, you stopped and chatted with me, giving me all of your attention. You told me that you read my posts and you asked me to tell you more about my advocacy work. We talked about Headache on the Hill and me speaking at RetreatMigraine and Miles for Migraine events. You shared that you wished I wasn't in so much pain, but that you're so proud of who I am and the work that I do. Then, you gave me a hug. Your hugs were so healing, a safe and loving embrace. I am beyond grateful for those moments and that memory with you. I felt seen. Beyond the childhood and familial connection, but rather one adult to another. That connection we had, I will always remember and cherish.

Jordan, I'm so sorry that you were in a place of such despair that you didn't see a way out. I won't get wrapped up in how I imagine you feeling or even what mental health challenges you might've been facing, as it's all conjecture, and truthfully doesn't matter... it won't bring you back.

I love you so much, cousin. 

Final Thoughts, For Now

I am working so hard to process the grief. To acknowledge and express the things I wish were different, without carrying the weight of regret. I will continue to process through the hurt places and grieving potential future outcomes. Learning lessons along the way that I can use to help shape how I move forward. Processing through the grief until what remains is love, cherished memories, and lessons to move forward.

Links:

• Obituary: Jordan Lee Conkle Obituary - Visitation & Funeral Information (lucasfuneralhomes.com)
• Memorial Service Video: https://fb.watch/34RAxG6ieW/

About Suicide

• Globally, there is one suicide about every 40 seconds. (WHO, Suicide Prevention Fact Sheet)
• In the U.S., there is a suicide every 13.7 minutes. (Suicidology, Fact Sheet)
• Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death for Americans. (CDC, Fact Sheet" (Suicide – TWLOHA))
• Suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death for Americans ages 10-34. (CDC, Fact Sheet" (Suicide – TWLOHA))
• Males die by suicide four times as often as females, but there are three female attempts for every male attempt. (Suicidology, Fact Sheet)

Resources

• American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP)
• World Health Organization (mental health and suicide data)
• American Association of Suicidology 
• 22KILL
• To Write Love on Her Arms
• Helplines: 
• National Suicide Prevention Hotline (24/7/365): 1-800-273-TALK (8255) 
• Crisis Text Line (24/7): text TALK to 741741 to connect to a crisis counselor
• NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Helpline (M-F 10am-6pm ET): 800-950-NAMI (6264) or info@nami.org
• Veterans Crisis Line (24/7): 1-800-273-8255 (press 1), text 838255, chat online
• Additional 24-hour helplines (including child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual abuse)

"No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear" - C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

In Loving Memory of Jenn Tingwald

My dear friend, Jenn Tingwald, passed away unexpectedly on July 2nd.

I’ve been experiencing the full spectrum of grief. I have tried turning to writing, as it’s always been how I process my emotions and experiences. As I’ve found, though, words are often insufficient to express the fullness of universal human experiences… including, grief. This may be a long, bumpy post; but, I want to share some things I’ve written since I heard the news of Jenn’s passing. 

Words in the Moment 

Today, I found out that Jenn Tingwald passed away last night. I don’t know how those words together can be true. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I know that she was in and out of the hospital a lot over the past few months, but how is she gone? When I read of her passing, my heart broke and my body collapsed. We messaged earlier this week. She wasn’t well, but she was a warrior… like she always was. 

How do I even find the words to describe what I’m feeling? 

I’ve lost people in my life, from drifting away to death. 

This loss is different than others. 

Of course, it hurt badly when my grandparents passed, but they were ill for years beforehand. There was much grieving, sometimes for years, as there were a series of losses before the final one. 

This was different. 

This was completely unexpected. 

Jenn had a lot of health challenges, but she always made it through… until she didn’t. 

I know that grief is a process. I know that the waves will continue to come. Waves of disbelief, sorrow, overwhelm. The waves will vary in size and frequency, but they will continue. 

Today, it’s waves of disbelief and overwhelm. I can’t grasp it, and then it swallows me. It’s such a difficult part of being human. All day, I’ve sobbed and keep saying, “I don’t understand.” 

I know that a lot of things I do will remind me of her, as we shared so many ups and downs together. Living with chronic pain (struggles, successes, treatments, disability, etc), Mayo Clinic, advocacy work (including, Headache on the Hill and Miles for Migraine). Right now, that seems overwhelming. I'm reminding myself that each of these is an opportunity to respond with gratitude for our friendship and move forward with courage and perseverance, knowing she's with me in spirit.

Every ounce of me knows that she’s finally out of pain and with our Lord. I know that I’ll carry her with me, as will the many others whose lives she touched during her time on earth. I’m grateful for all of that, truly. 

Letter to Jenn

My dear friend, 

It’s been a week since you passed. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around you not being here. My heart aches and tears continue to stream down my face as waves of sorrow and overwhelm wash over me. I’ve been thinking a lot about you, and about our interactions. 

I remember the first time I met you. We were at the final American Headache and Migraine Association conference in November 2017. We sat next to each other all morning, but neither of us spoke to one another because we were both managing a migraine attack and medication side effects. As we broke for lunch at the end of the conference, we started talking (my mind doesn’t remember clearly if we just started talking or if Dr. Starling introduced us). Either way, we learned each other’s names and chatted a little. Then, we connected through social media, and grew our friendship. I’m so grateful that we didn’t allow the opportunity to meet pass us by. 

You were the first local friend I made, after Jeremy and I moved to Phoenix. I didn’t know how I’d make local friends, given the limitations of this disease; but God crossed our paths and we became close friends quickly. 

Over the past couple years, we were open books with one another, allowing for a depthful connection that transcended the number of days we knew each other… 956 days. I cherish the conversations we shared about faith, advocacy, and the challenges and successes of living with chronic illness. 

You loved fiercely. I think that’s something we have in common. Your love for your family was unquestionable and second only to your love for God. I always enjoyed hearing stories and seeing pictures of your daughter. She is so precious, and I’m grateful that I was able to meet her in-person this March. 

Among other things, I will never forget your generosity and kindness. You always did your best to support and encourage me, despite the challenges you faced. Thank you for that. 

You made a difference in so many people's lives. Amongst the darkness of losing you, your light continues to shine. It's there in the lives you touched. It's undoubtedly you, and it's beautiful. 

It’s been two weeks since you passed. How can that be? My experience of time is warped. I want to tell you that it was such an honor being friends with you. Thank you for always encouraging me to simply be myself and reminding me to speak from my heart. What a beautiful gift. 

Goodbye, for now, my friend. 

Tributes
I was asked to share an overview of Jenn's headache disorders advocacy:

Jenn Tingwald was a fierce advocate for the headache disorders community. She participated in Headache on the Hill multiple years, spoke at two Phoenix Miles for Migraine events, and was featured in a PBS Newshour special that aired in February. Jenn openly shared about her and her daughter’s experiences living with headache disorders, and highlighted the importance of finding your voice and reclaiming your purpose through advocacy.

Jenn’s husband, Aaron, generously provided an opportunity to share a short video with a story about Jenn. I have many, but the one that was on my heart perfectly displays the kind, generous spirit of my dear friend: 

Jenn and I met at a migraine advocacy event in fall 2017 and quickly became friends and fellow headache disorders advocates. Last year (2019), Jenn and I were going to room together for Headache on the Hill. A couple days before the training, she canceled her trip. She desperately wanted to go, but she needed to focus on her health. When a horrible migraine attack knocked me down after my travel day, she tried to coordinate getting heat pads and Epsom salt delivered to me. Despite the challenges she faced, she messaged me throughout my travels and the Headache on the Hill event. She told me she’d be with me in spirit, and I could feel her presence every step of the way. 

Jenn was one of the strongest, most kind-hearted people I’ve ever known. She was a fierce advocate, especially for her daughter. And, she was a faithful prayer warrior. She always encouraged me to be myself and speak from my heart, especially when she knew I was anxious. I know she’ll continue to be with me in spirit, and I’ll hear her voice reminding me, “You’re going to do amazing!” 

For anyone interested: 

• Jennifer Tingwald Memorial Celebration Video: https://youtu.be/sapHU5bTyHQ 
• Celebrating the Life of Jenn Tingwald Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2734079326696053
• Go Fund Me Page (the page beautifully expresses what an amazing person Jenn was, touching the lives of so many): https://www.gofundme.com/f/jennifer-cohn-tingwald-memorial
• National Headache Foundation (Jenn’s story): https://headaches.org/2018/06/29/jennifer-tingwald/
• PBS Newshour (featuring Jenn): https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/15-percent-of-americans-have-migraine-disease-why-arent-there-better-treatment-options 

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

Headache on the Hill: Behind the Scenes

As I began writing about my Headache on the Hill 2020 experience, I found a post that was written but never posted from last year's event. The following post is from 2019, though much of it is timeless.

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

In writing about my experience and the asks of Headache on the Hill (HOH) 2019, I realized that there's another side that needs to be shared.

Every person that went through the process to participate in HOH has their own story of the event. Some people weren't able to make the trip because of health, financial, or other reasons. Some pushed to make the trip, but were then unable to attend training and/or their meetings on the Hill because of health. Some pushed to participate, and then crashed hard afterward.

Headache diseases can be unpredictable. And, everything that participating in a lobbying event like HOH entails adds up and can be difficult to do while living with the uncertainty of chronic health conditions.

Sometimes you can push through, and sometimes you can't. There is no shame in that. Oh! But, I know that those unable to attend their meetings were overwhelmed by enormous emotions.

Traveling alone

I haven't traveled much alone, since I became chronic after my car accident in 2008. My husband and I have traveled, but my only solo travel has been to visit and stay with family. Attending HOH was the first non-family related travel that I ventured out on my own. I was both excited for the independence and anxious about managing on my own. Knowing that I had friends also attending HOH helped put my mind at ease.

The day before the HOH training was a travel day for me. I flew across the country alone. Time in a plane is hard on the body, and I was hurting badly, when I arrived in Washington, D.C. I made it to the hotel, checked in, and collapsed onto my bed. A friend of mine invited me to dinner and encouraged me to come, despite my exhaustion and pain. I appreciated being around people that get it, and I know that my body needed an actual meal after a day of snacking. I made it back to my room after dinner, but I was completely spent. The weather outside was worsening, and my head and body pain mirrored that.

Reaching out for support

I reached out to my sister, in tears. The exchange of messages revealed the spiral that pain often takes me on.

"When I hurt, my brain catastrophizes. I'm trying to not be overcome with thoughts about not being prepared tomorrow, should I take meds today, if I take today I can't take more tomorrow, etc... It's just a spiral I go through. It's hard."

My sister doesn't experience migraine herself. She has a truly beautiful heart, though, and has taken note of things that I've mentioned help me in the past. She recommended heat... all I had were hand warmers, but she encouraged me to use them to try to help manage the pain (specifically my neck pain).

One thing that I appreciated was that she made a couple simple recommendations (heat and ice), which can sometimes slip my mind. She acknowledged what she wasn't equipped to guide me on. Through it all, she offered me what I needed most... herself. Knowledge that I wasn't alone. Prayers being sent up on my behalf. Reminders that my my painful groans are wordless prayers that reach our Father, when we cannot find the words. Sharing a beautiful song to speak truth to my heart in a way that it could hear it. The song she sent on that night: Fear is a Liar by Zach Williams.

The person that was supposed to be my roommate wasn't able to make it because of a status migraine, but she did her best to try to help from afar... even going so far as to try to get some supplies delivered to me to help me through the attack.

I ended up treating the migraine attack, and made it through the night. My mind and body felt the effects of the battle that had raged on the previous day, but I was able to attend the training day. After training, I gave my body rest and quiet.

The day we went to the Hill for our meetings, one of the people in my group was having a bad migraine attack. I offered support in the ways that I was able to, and checked up on him throughout the day. We shared that he was missing the day's meetings due to a migraine attack, which highlighted the impact of this disease.

I've observed, heard others' stories, and experienced first-hand, the love and support that this community has among its members. There is an often unspoken understanding that we all experience pain and other symptoms, allowing for deeper connections and support in ways that can feel like home. There is such great power and hope in knowing that we're not alone.

“Give your weakness to one who helps.” - Rumi

Farewell, 2018!

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash

Today is the final day of 2018.

The past week has been rough, pain-wise. But, I've done my best to review and reflect on this past year beyond the lens of my current pain... it's good to remember that things aren't always so hard.

This year has been a year of ups and downs, as life is. I've laughed and been filled with joy. I've been scared and overwhelmed with anxiety. I've found courage deep within and faced fears. I've practiced being present in the moment. I've made some wonderful memories and connections. I've lived, not just survived.

The coming year will be another chapter in my journey. While I don't make new year's resolutions, I have found that having a word to focus on in the coming year has been powerful.

Personally, I spend time praying about what God wants to grow me in and show me during the coming year. I have felt Him place a word or phrase on my heart each year that I've done it. It has been a practice of beauty, discipline, and grace.

The chosen word or phrase becomes a lens through which I examine my heart and life, both as I move through the year and upon reflection.

Whether or not you make resolutions or choose a word, I hope that you take some time to think about and reflect on what the year has held. Celebrate the wins and reflect on the losses.

As we transition into the new year, my hope is that each of us lives our most authentic and best life.

Practice gratitude. Laugh as much as possible. Find beauty everywhere. Be bold. Stay true to your beliefs. Treat yourself and others with kindness. Live with intention, love, and joy.

"It is my intention to live an authentic life of compassion and integrity and action." - Zachary Quinto

Grateful for Being Able to Drive Today

It's been a rocky week. Up one day, down hard the next, repeat. I hope that doesn't happen and wreck my day tomorrow, but I'll take things moment by moment.

For now, I'm grateful for my husband being home from his work trip, and for the things that I was able to do / accomplish. 

I drove more today than I have in almost a year! I went shopping a little today, on my own. It's amazing how independent I felt to be able to drive, take care of things at the pharmacy, and browse / shop... all on my own! I looked back at a previous post I wrote about a similar experience several years ago, Update: Driving Myself (3/25/13).

I was on the phone a lot today, which I don't particularly like... especially when a lot of it was dealing with insurance companies that can't quite interpret the verbiage of my coverage with them. But, I was able to talk with a friend today, which was wonderful! I hope to be able to talk to another dear friend tomorrow. 

My heart is full of gratitude for the little things that can sometimes feel so big!

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

"You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)" Watch the Josh Groban video below and listen to the lyrics. How does it make you feel? Which lyrics do you find especially inspiring?

https://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

What a beautiful song. Such powerful words. 

This song immediately brought to mind my relationship with God. He is always there. He is my strength, my comfort, my guiding light.

As I listened further, I thought of relationships I've grown over the years. I'm blessed to have people in my life that will help me:

when my load feels too heavy,
when I feel unheard or misunderstood,
when I get lost in the pain,
when I feel the light in me has been blown out. 

They are there to help lift me back up... to help me find hope. They remind me to look to my faith for grace, mercy, and hope. And, they hold onto hope, when I struggle to hold on myself. Their love, patience, and grace is beautiful and amazing.

I strive to be that kind of person, as well. 

When you feel invisible, unheard, misunderstood... you are not alone. Reach out. You are loved!

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

[Chorus]
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

[Chorus]

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Pets for Comfort & Hope

Pets for Comfort and Hope: If you have pets that help you keep hoping, tell us about them. If not, tell us about something else that helps you keep hoping.

Ah, pets! I've written about how pets have helped me cope with Migraine: My Shadow & My Honey Bee. Pets give you someone to take care of, while simultaneously helping take care of you. They're there during the ups and downs. They're a great source of love, comfort, hope, and joy.

We've now had Honey Bee for almost 3 years. She's been even more of a blessing than I ever could've imagined. She continues to grow more confident in herself and us, and it's great to see her personality blossom and shine.

Honey is home with me every day. Even if we're not actively interacting with each other, we know that the other is there. It's so comforting. We both value our own space, but also enjoy snuggle time together. She can be such a peaceful and calming presence.

Honey has had a difficult past. But, she reminds me that great things can come from difficult times. She has overcome obstacles, and she inspires me to keep going.

© 2015 Jamie V.

I love seeing Honey happy. Making sure she is taken care of and has what she needs is a top priority for me. We have a doggie door, which allows her to have more independence because she can go outside anytime it's open. She seems much happier to be able to come in and out, as she desires... rather than only when Mom feels up to getting her outside.

She has such a loving and silly personality. She loves snuggling with pillows, playing with toys, eating tasty treats, and just hanging out with us.

Pets have such power to change our moods, help keep life in perspective, and feel unconditionally loved. When I see Honey so excited over something little, it makes me smile. Her kisses are healing. And, I know that I can face the hardships in my life and come out on top.

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Who Helps You Hope?

Who Helps You Hope?: Which person in your life has helped you most to hold on to hope, despite your Migraines or Headaches and how?

There are several people that immediately come to mind... most notably, my husband. He's with me, day in and day out. He reminds me to be gentle with myself, when I'm unable to do things. He helps me find humor and joy in even the smallest, most mundane of things. He is my greatest blessing. 

I've previously written about some of the ways that people have helped me hold on to hope:

• Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #27: In My Head & Heart
• Caregivers: My Husband
• Caregivers: My Parents

I'm so grateful to have people in my life that truly love me. They know how important my faith is. There is always someone (or several) that help point me back to the Lord (my source of eternal hope), when I'm struggling. So, to everyone that has helped me hold on to hope, especially when I struggled to hold onto it myself... THANK YOU!!!

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

The Dark Duo: Anxiety & Depression (4/9/14)

I can't believe that it's been so long since I've posted anything here on my blog. I finally sat down to take a look at what I've started writing, and came across several things I started back in April. I'm not in the same place as I was then, but I'm still struggling a lot with depression, anxiety, and pain. I'm going to try to get back to writing, and I feel like posting these things (even if some of them are incomplete) that I wrote several months ago will give me a start.

This post was written 4/9/2014:

I've been away for a long time, and though I'm ready to come out of the darkness I've been entrenched in, I don't really know how to... But, I have to try.

Honestly, the last few months are somewhat of a blur... in some ways, the anxiety and depression feel like they've been all but consuming me for so very long... but, the calendar tells me otherwise. But, that's what the dark duo does. It blurs and twists reality.

I haven't talked much about my experiences with depression... or, maybe I have. I don't really remember. I know I've shared some about my struggles with anxiety. It's hard to put into words. I've tried writing in my hand-written journal a few times over the last few months, as a way to get some of the internal struggle out; but panic attacks put a quick stop to that.

Being completely honest, I've been lost.

I have felt so much over the last few months... and, yet, so little. I've felt the weight of everything, indifference to everything, great sadness, complete helplessness.

Just a quick update on some things that have happened:

• One of my grandmothers passed away.
• My husband has been to (and currently is in) Afghanistan for work.
• Botox was tried twice and failed.
• Another treatment option brought on such side effects that it brought back fears of losing the weight I've (finally) gained back.

My list of blessings is long, but here are some:

• My Lord has carried me through everything.
• My husband continues to be the most loving and supportive person in my life.
• My family has helped support me, especially when my husband isn't physically here to do so.
• I've gained back the weight I've lost and struggled to gain back over the last 5 years (finally back to pre-accident weight).
• I've reached out, when I didn't know that I could (and I have a couple cheerleaders that help me celebrate the victories / successes, like this, that are bigger steps than they seem - thank you!).
• I've taken care of myself, the dogs, and the house, while Jeremy has been out of the country.
• I had an amazing time with loved ones for several days around my birthday last weekend - I truly enjoyed myself.

I'm going to try to start writing again. I'll forewarn that I'm still in a pretty bad place, in general (it's not 100% of the time, but I tend to feel the need and pouring of words in some of my darkest and most painful times... so, that's when I write). I want and need to be open and honest about the pain and emotions I'm having (especially the ones I try so hard to hide from the world), so it may be rough going for a while. My hope is that by sharing them, I can take some of their hold and power away.

Compassion in Greece, continued

I previously wrote about an experience I had in Greece (back in 2005): Compassion in Greece.

While on a class trip to Athens, Greece, I ended up with a monster migraine. One of the professors there responded with such kindness and compassion. He helped me, and then supported my decision to not miss the day at the Acropolis (despite my having sunglasses on, a jacket over my head, and needing assistance walking). He didn't question or belittle me. He simply offered me understanding, compassion, and kindness. And, that's what I hope I can offer to others.

It's so interesting to me, looking back from where I am today. I've dealt with frequent headaches for as long as I can remember. I had infrequent migraines, then, too (though, most of those were walks in the park compared to the migraines I've had since the accident). So much has changed, yet the love and provision of my God has stayed the same. He is always there.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Compassion in Greece

Yesterday, I posted about past anniversaries of my car accident:

• 3-Year Anniversary of Car Accident
• 4-Year Anniversary of Car Accident

October 10, 2013 marked the fifth anniversary of my car accident, here's what I wrote...

I had some anxiety leading up to today because I've had some difficulty on this day in the past. But, God blessed me with bringing a memory to my mind, reminding me that He always provides for my needs. Thanks to a Facebook post from my Alma Mater asking what our fondest memory of a certain professor is, I was able to re-live a moment that was painful, but comforting... and writing this blog post has allowed me to re-live beyond that moment.

Just a little back-story... I spent a semester studying abroad at my Alma Mater's campus near Rome. During the semester, the entire class and the Rome semester professors spend 10 days travelling together to a few different cities in Greece. Our Western Civilization professor offered amazing lectures at many of the sites along the way. It was truly a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I'm so grateful that I was able to participate!

The setting is Athens, Greece.

It was Carnival in the Eastern Orthodox Church (different date than the Western Christian calendar - think Mardi Gras), so the city was a big celebration. I decided to join the celebration in the evening with a group of friends - we were going to spend some time enjoying the festivities and try to find somewhere open to get something to eat.

After wandering around the city for a while, a migraine hit... HARD.

All I could think of was how am I going to get out of this crowd of people and back to the hotel?! I mentioned that I needed to leave immediately to my friends, and thankfully one of the guys said that he'd walk me back to the hotel and make sure I was okay. I told him I needed to get something to eat and something with caffeine to drink - we were able to find a Coke quickly, and then we stopped at the McDonald's just around the corner from the hotel for some chicken nuggets.

Unfortunately, I think I'd forgotten my migraine medication back at the Rome campus. See, these were before the days of chronic migraines... before the days of carrying my meds everywhere I go. I had frequent headaches, but was able to function through most of them. But, my more severe migraines weren't all that often. So, getting something to eat, caffeine to drink, and getting back to a dark / quiet hotel room was my plan of attack.

The girls I happened to be roomed with for those few days were understanding and helped however they could. But, the migraine continued.

If my memory serves me well... I spent the next day in the hotel room, doing my best to sleep off the pain. Honestly, I'm not exactly sure what all happened, but I'm pretty sure I missed out on some things. A large group of us went to church service that evening for Ash Wednesday (in the Eastern Orthodox Church). I struggled making it through the service, and talked with a professor's wife afterward to see if she happened to have any medicine that might help. Again, these were before the days that over-the-counter meds were the equivalent to tic-tacs for me. She didn't have anything, but apparently one of the professors (or his fiance) dealt with migraines and had some meds and knowledge of migraine. 

I talked with this professor, and he helped get me some meds and made sure I was going to be okay. He told me that I'd be excused from the following day's class trip to the Acropolis. I told him that there was NO way that I was going to miss that trip! How could I miss a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity like that?!?! He assured me that he'd help any way he could, if I decided to go the following day.

He checked on me the next morning at breakfast. I was still in quite a lot of pain, but was beyond determined to go with the group. So, he gave me a few suggestions on how to make it through the day outside in the blinding sun. I had sunglasses, a borrowed hat, a jacket or blanket draped over my head... luckily, we'd walk a bit and then stop and sit for lectures at various locations. He checked on me off and on throughout the day. I listened to him lecture. Someone helped make sure I was alright walking places. And, I peeked my head out to see the sites as much as I possibly could.

The Acropolis is one of the MOST interesting and beautiful sites I've ever seen! I would have deeply regretted missing the opportunity to visit it, so I'm glad that I was able to push through the pain and participate as much as I could. To this day, Greece (especially the Acropolis in Athens) is one of my favorite places in the world!

*I'm going to post a follow-up post to this later today, to share a few more reflections... so, please stay tuned.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Do You Love Me?

I have to be honest. It's been a long time since I've felt... I mean, really felt the spirit move in and through me. But, at this moment, despite the throbbing pain of a migraine that's ramping up and knowing that I'm going to be sidelined for the majority of the day, I feel alive! I feel the spirit churning in me, and pushing to come out. So, I turned on the computer to let the words flow through my fingers.

I have been feeling guilty and have been very hard on myself for a really long time. You see, I haven't been to church in longer than I care to admit - besides a couple visits here and there, it's probably been a few years now. It breaks my heart, as church and my family / church family (my family and I are members of the same church) has always been a constant rock in my life. But, I have a lot of difficulty with many aspects of the church-going experience, so here I am.

I miss it. I miss being surrounded by others that love Christ. I miss the Scripture, the songs, the sermons, the community. I miss feeling His presence.

My church has been streaming podcasts of the weekly sermons for a while now. I started listening to them, when they first started, but I haven't stayed disciplined in listening to them. For whatever reason, I decided to pull one up this morning and listen to it. Where should I start? At the beginning? The most recent? So, I just kinda randomly chose one... it ended up being the sermon from May 5, 2013. Wow!

The sermon speaks to how Jesus Christ came to simplify our lives and our faith. We are called as God's people to live and love simply.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of living simply, as I definitely do not. I over-complicate and over-analyze my life so much!

We over-complicate life, and Christ came to simplify it. We over-complicate our relationship with God, and Christ wants it more simple. We over-complicate forgiving other people (perhaps most of all, ourselves), loving other people... and it's all really simple. Christ came so that all are forgiven and loved. All we have to do is accept it and offer it to others. Simple. But, simple is not easy. A simple life of faith is not easy.

It's easier to only love and forgive certain people (for example, people that think or believe what we believe), but it's simpler to love and forgive everyone. And, we're called, as God's people, to love and forgive everyone - just as God loves and forgives us, unconditionally. It's not easy to love everyone unconditionally, but it's simpler.

Take, for example, Simon Peter. Simon Peter publicly and blatantly denies knowing Jesus three times (John 18:15-27). In a stark difference from the rules and regulations of the day to cleanse and repent for denying God, Jesus responds by asking a simple question... "Do you love me?" (John 21:15-17).

In order to be made holy and righteous, and be reconnected and back in relation with God, all He asks is, "Do you love me?" The only other thing we're asked to do is to simply go love and forgive others the way we've been loved and forgiven by God.

No matter how much we've messed up, how far we've strayed, what we've done... if we want to be forgiven by God and be in a relationship with God, all we have to do is answer this question:

Do you love Me, and will you go and love other people the way I've loved you?  ~God

Wow! What a huge release of so much guilt, disappointment, and hate that I've held toward myself. There's nothing difficult that I have to do to try to make things right between God and me. I love God, and I do my best to share His love and forgiveness with others. I feel like not being able to make it to church has somehow stifled my relationship with Him, but maybe He's growing me in different ways right now. I do hope to be able to rejoin my church community in weekly worship and service, but I'm trying to find peace in doing what I can right now... growing my relationship with God from where I am, knowing that the Lord of All has the reigns in my life.

All we have to do is accept God's unconditional love and forgiveness in our lives, and then go offer it to other people. That's it. So simple! 

A Life-Affirming Visit

You know those amazing, life-affirming visits with someone (be it a friend or a stranger), where you leave feeling that your soul has been refreshed / renewed?

I had one of those Sunday night. I had a chance to visit with a long-time friend of the family, who I only get to see every four or five years. She happened to be in town for a few days, and I (thankfully) was feeling well enough to visit a bit with her and some of my family.

She and I chatted with one another for a little while, and I feel that we connected in a special way. She shared with me how she saw me before the chronic migraines (very active and busy, an intellectual, etc), and then recognized and allowed me to talk about the difficulties that have come with learning to live life with so much pain and so many limitations. She said she knows I've always been determined and strong, and that she knows I'll do my best to be and live as well as possible.

She shared bits of wisdom that she's learned over a lifetime of experiences... bits of wisdom that seem so simple and basic, but are truly life-changing:

• Listen carefully to your body.
• Do what feels right to and for you (call it your gut, instinct, or just a feeling).
• Be okay / comfortable with the decisions you make.
• What others say to / about you is about them, not you.
• Don't spend precious time and energy on wasteful things. 

• such as, thinking or worrying about... what others say to/about you, expectations of self and others (what you should be doing), what may or may not happen, and other things that are out of our control.

• There is meaning and purpose in life, even when it doesn't feel like there is.
• The faith that we gain during times of struggle are priceless.

I'm sure there are other things that'll keep coming to mind, as the words shared between us play in my mind further. There were aspects of this journey that I haven't talked about in quite a long time (like identifying myself with my intellect, and the loss of that when I struggled with and then decided not to continue graduate school). It was interesting for me to see what I've dealt and come to terms with, and what is still a little raw to talk about. I know that this is all a journey, and it was nice to share parts of my journey with this friend.

I feel validated and better understood. I also feel a renewed sense of hope and direction that feels great!

I count myself so blessed to have this person in my life, and that she was willing to spend some time sharing with and really listening to me. My heart is filled with gratitude!

Update: Driving Myself (3/25/13)

While the excitement has diminished and I've been dealing with increased pain / decreased independence, I'd like to share something that happened a week and a half ago.

I wrote this on March 25, 2013:

While this may not seem like a very big achievement to some, I know that others will really understand the magnitude.

I've driven myself THREE times in the past week!!! [again, this was a couple weeks ago]

I hadn't driven in ages, but I drove myself to get a massage, go shopping for almost two hours, and to visit with my parents / family (each on separate days).

I'm so proud of myself for doing this. And, I realized that in some ways I kinda miss driving. Of course, there's the feeling more independence thing, which is amazing (even if only for an evening). But, I also enjoy listening to the radio when I drive.

Anyway, I just wanted to share my excitement!

Though the memory of this seems like so long ago, and it may be quite a while before I'm able to do something like this again, I try my best to cherish these opportunities and achievements.

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

Ten Years Without a Tree

© 2012 Jamie V.

In a very welcome break in the full-blown migraine pain, my husband and I managed to get some Christmas stuff up around the apartment.

We put up our Christmas tree (that my sister so kindly gave us before she and her husband moved). It's not all that large, but it works for us right now.

"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall" (Larry Wilde, author 'The Merry Book of Christmas')

As I looked at our tree, I realized that I haven't had a Christmas tree up in my own home in nearly TEN years! My parents always have a Christmas tree up at their house, but I haven't had one up in the apartments that I've lived in (thinking about it now, my roommate might have had one up one year... but that would've been about six years ago).

So, I'm very much enjoying having a Christmas tree up in our home. There are no ornaments on it right now, but we do have an angel (seems a bit too large for the tree, but it's our angel and it's staying up - lol). I still have a way to go before I get all the Christmas decor up, but I'm definitely enjoying the season thus far.

"It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air" (W. T. Ellis)

Giving Thanks

I'm thankful for so many things in my life, despite living with Migraine disease.

I've written about gratitude several times before, as I truly am blessed beyond measure:

• Blessed Beyond Measure
• Thankful
• Pain & Gratitude
• In My Head & Heart

I'm so thankful for having a place to call home... for having food and drink... for having a God that's always with me and loves me unconditionally... for having such an amazing husband, and for him having a good job (and good insurance)... for having a wonderful family... for having a sweet Honey Bee... and for so much more.

Since having chronic migraines, I've found myself noticing and feeling gratitude for even the "little things" - for being able to eat a full meal... for being able to take my dog outside... for being able to help cook dinner... for some days, it's being strong enough to know that I need help / assistance, asking for it, and allowing someone (usually my husband) to help me... and for completing micro-tasks that others so often take for granted.

I'm so grateful that God has allowed me to be more mindful and thankful for the amazing gifts and blessings that He's placed into my life.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM), as well as the November Headache Carnival.

Thankful, Excited, Inspired

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:21)

I've written on the topic of gratitude several times in the past. Here are just a few of my previous posts:

• Blessed Beyond Measure
• Thankful
• Pain & Gratitude
• In My Head & Heart

"Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever" (Psalm 107:1 & Psalm 136:1)

"Always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Ephesians 5:20)

I'm grateful for so many things. The Lord has truly blessed me. I'm learning to be grateful for even the "little" things or the "little" victories. Living in chronic pain offers the opportunity to show gratitude for things that we may have never even noticed before the pain began or became chronic and/or debilitating.

"And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him" (Colossians 3:17)

Today's prompt is to write a list of 3 things that I'm thankful for / excited about / or inspired by. I think I'll do a top 3 list for each of these.

3 things I'm thankful for:

• having a generous and merciful God
• the ability and opportunity to share God's gift with others
• our little Honey Bee

3 things I'm excited about:

• my sister coming into town for the holidays
• one of my best friends getting married next summer
• Honey Bee's progress with our new training program

3 things I'm inspired by:

• other chronic pain warriors that I've met online
• my loving family
• my faith / my God

"Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)

What are YOU thankful for today?

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.