In Loving Memory of Jenn Tingwald

My dear friend, Jenn Tingwald, passed away unexpectedly on July 2nd.

I’ve been experiencing the full spectrum of grief. I have tried turning to writing, as it’s always been how I process my emotions and experiences. As I’ve found, though, words are often insufficient to express the fullness of universal human experiences… including, grief. This may be a long, bumpy post; but, I want to share some things I’ve written since I heard the news of Jenn’s passing. 

Words in the Moment 

Today, I found out that Jenn Tingwald passed away last night. I don’t know how those words together can be true. I can’t wrap my mind around it. I know that she was in and out of the hospital a lot over the past few months, but how is she gone? When I read of her passing, my heart broke and my body collapsed. We messaged earlier this week. She wasn’t well, but she was a warrior… like she always was. 

How do I even find the words to describe what I’m feeling? 

I’ve lost people in my life, from drifting away to death. 

This loss is different than others. 

Of course, it hurt badly when my grandparents passed, but they were ill for years beforehand. There was much grieving, sometimes for years, as there were a series of losses before the final one. 

This was different. 

This was completely unexpected. 

Jenn had a lot of health challenges, but she always made it through… until she didn’t. 

I know that grief is a process. I know that the waves will continue to come. Waves of disbelief, sorrow, overwhelm. The waves will vary in size and frequency, but they will continue. 

Today, it’s waves of disbelief and overwhelm. I can’t grasp it, and then it swallows me. It’s such a difficult part of being human. All day, I’ve sobbed and keep saying, “I don’t understand.” 

I know that a lot of things I do will remind me of her, as we shared so many ups and downs together. Living with chronic pain (struggles, successes, treatments, disability, etc), Mayo Clinic, advocacy work (including, Headache on the Hill and Miles for Migraine). Right now, that seems overwhelming. I'm reminding myself that each of these is an opportunity to respond with gratitude for our friendship and move forward with courage and perseverance, knowing she's with me in spirit.

Every ounce of me knows that she’s finally out of pain and with our Lord. I know that I’ll carry her with me, as will the many others whose lives she touched during her time on earth. I’m grateful for all of that, truly. 

Letter to Jenn

My dear friend, 

It’s been a week since you passed. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around you not being here. My heart aches and tears continue to stream down my face as waves of sorrow and overwhelm wash over me. I’ve been thinking a lot about you, and about our interactions. 

I remember the first time I met you. We were at the final American Headache and Migraine Association conference in November 2017. We sat next to each other all morning, but neither of us spoke to one another because we were both managing a migraine attack and medication side effects. As we broke for lunch at the end of the conference, we started talking (my mind doesn’t remember clearly if we just started talking or if Dr. Starling introduced us). Either way, we learned each other’s names and chatted a little. Then, we connected through social media, and grew our friendship. I’m so grateful that we didn’t allow the opportunity to meet pass us by. 

You were the first local friend I made, after Jeremy and I moved to Phoenix. I didn’t know how I’d make local friends, given the limitations of this disease; but God crossed our paths and we became close friends quickly. 

Over the past couple years, we were open books with one another, allowing for a depthful connection that transcended the number of days we knew each other… 956 days. I cherish the conversations we shared about faith, advocacy, and the challenges and successes of living with chronic illness. 

You loved fiercely. I think that’s something we have in common. Your love for your family was unquestionable and second only to your love for God. I always enjoyed hearing stories and seeing pictures of your daughter. She is so precious, and I’m grateful that I was able to meet her in-person this March. 

Among other things, I will never forget your generosity and kindness. You always did your best to support and encourage me, despite the challenges you faced. Thank you for that. 

You made a difference in so many people's lives. Amongst the darkness of losing you, your light continues to shine. It's there in the lives you touched. It's undoubtedly you, and it's beautiful. 

It’s been two weeks since you passed. How can that be? My experience of time is warped. I want to tell you that it was such an honor being friends with you. Thank you for always encouraging me to simply be myself and reminding me to speak from my heart. What a beautiful gift. 

Goodbye, for now, my friend. 

Tributes
I was asked to share an overview of Jenn's headache disorders advocacy:

Jenn Tingwald was a fierce advocate for the headache disorders community. She participated in Headache on the Hill multiple years, spoke at two Phoenix Miles for Migraine events, and was featured in a PBS Newshour special that aired in February. Jenn openly shared about her and her daughter’s experiences living with headache disorders, and highlighted the importance of finding your voice and reclaiming your purpose through advocacy.

Jenn’s husband, Aaron, generously provided an opportunity to share a short video with a story about Jenn. I have many, but the one that was on my heart perfectly displays the kind, generous spirit of my dear friend: 

Jenn and I met at a migraine advocacy event in fall 2017 and quickly became friends and fellow headache disorders advocates. Last year (2019), Jenn and I were going to room together for Headache on the Hill. A couple days before the training, she canceled her trip. She desperately wanted to go, but she needed to focus on her health. When a horrible migraine attack knocked me down after my travel day, she tried to coordinate getting heat pads and Epsom salt delivered to me. Despite the challenges she faced, she messaged me throughout my travels and the Headache on the Hill event. She told me she’d be with me in spirit, and I could feel her presence every step of the way. 

Jenn was one of the strongest, most kind-hearted people I’ve ever known. She was a fierce advocate, especially for her daughter. And, she was a faithful prayer warrior. She always encouraged me to be myself and speak from my heart, especially when she knew I was anxious. I know she’ll continue to be with me in spirit, and I’ll hear her voice reminding me, “You’re going to do amazing!” 

For anyone interested: 

• Jennifer Tingwald Memorial Celebration Video: https://youtu.be/sapHU5bTyHQ 
• Celebrating the Life of Jenn Tingwald Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/2734079326696053
• Go Fund Me Page (the page beautifully expresses what an amazing person Jenn was, touching the lives of so many): https://www.gofundme.com/f/jennifer-cohn-tingwald-memorial
• National Headache Foundation (Jenn’s story): https://headaches.org/2018/06/29/jennifer-tingwald/
• PBS Newshour (featuring Jenn): https://www.pbs.org/newshour/show/15-percent-of-americans-have-migraine-disease-why-arent-there-better-treatment-options 

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same nor would you want to.” - Elizabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler

An Update & More Migrainous Musings

I have been struggling with a rough stretch of status migrainosus. I sometimes get flashes of clarity or expression, when I'm in the midst of deep distress... sometimes I'm able to capture the words, scribbling them down wherever I can. Last year, I shared some Migrainous Musings. I'm here, again, yet there's little comfort in the familiarity of this place. The timelessness and dominance of pain described in Pain has an Element of Blank continues to resonate and ring true to my own experience.

I continue to share, and hope you'll excuse the raw, unedited migrainous musings / ramblings of a brain in pain.

There's an emptiness inside me that knows no bounds.
Sometimes it tries to swallow me up.
Is it the pain? The anxiety? The depression?
Or is this emptiness me?

To know me truly,
See the darkness inside me,
Then don't turn and run.

The darkness surrounds.
Is it here to stay this time?
Please don't consume me.

I do not fear the darkness in others. I generally don't fear it in myself. But, there are times that it becomes overwhelming, and I can't see the light.

I feel like I'm disappearing. Shattering into tiny pieces and blowing away in the wind. Like I'm a fragile shell, being crushed by the weight of darkness. Do I still exist? What is left of me, when the pain overflows?

I'm not ok. I know I've been in this place before, and somehow come out the other side. But, that doesn't compute right now. This feels like my forever. Like I'm trapped.

Update 1 (March 3):

I've spent most of the last week in the hospital getting infusions to try to break this status migraine.

Six days. Three IVs. Loads of meds. My mind and body are still in turmoil, and I don't know how long it'll take to feel like me again. I've been here before. I know that I get out. But, I don't know how. It feels too hard. I feel too weak.

Update 2 (March 4):

Today is filled with more pain than I feel I can bear. I'm not sure how I can survive it. I've treated hard. I'm trying to give myself rest. Nothing feels enough. I know I'll get through it... somehow... because I always do. Every time. Yet, even that gives me no solace in this moment.

Update 3 (March 5):

I woke today feeling more me than I have in a long time. Pain levels are lower. My mind and body are so weary and I can feel the weight of the battles fought. But right now, in this moment, I'm praising God for His provision and the respite.

"At the end of the day, we can endure much more than we think we can." - Frida Kahlo

Head Above Water

Music has always played an important part of my life journey. There are songs that touch my soul in unexpected ways by expressing a deep pain or angst, faith or hope... or a combination of the complexity we experience as humans.

Avril Lavigne's song, Head Above Water, captured me from the first time I heard it last fall. Apparently, the song stuck with me, and surfaced over the struggles of the last month because I've found myself singing the chorus at random moments.

She wrote this song during her own debilitating health struggles. The rawness and openness of her physical and emotional battles in the midst of a terrible storm is so powerful. It's a reminder that despite the storms and battles that we face in life, we can reach others, grow, and create something amazing.

https://youtu.be/EKF6ghfcQic

Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne

I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm

Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard

[Chorus]
God, keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees

Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown

So pull me up from down below

'Cause I'm underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most

[Chorus]

Don't let me drown, drown, drown

Keep my head above water, above water

And I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever
And I can't breathe

God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I'll be waiting
I'm too young to fall asleep

[Chorus]

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)

"You Are Loved (Don't Give Up)" Watch the Josh Groban video below and listen to the lyrics. How does it make you feel? Which lyrics do you find especially inspiring?

https://youtu.be/EGLSk3AVcUU

What a beautiful song. Such powerful words. 

This song immediately brought to mind my relationship with God. He is always there. He is my strength, my comfort, my guiding light.

As I listened further, I thought of relationships I've grown over the years. I'm blessed to have people in my life that will help me:

when my load feels too heavy,
when I feel unheard or misunderstood,
when I get lost in the pain,
when I feel the light in me has been blown out. 

They are there to help lift me back up... to help me find hope. They remind me to look to my faith for grace, mercy, and hope. And, they hold onto hope, when I struggle to hold on myself. Their love, patience, and grace is beautiful and amazing.

I strive to be that kind of person, as well. 

When you feel invisible, unheard, misunderstood... you are not alone. Reach out. You are loved!

You Are Loved (Don't Give Up) by Josh Groban

Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

[Chorus]
Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved

Don't give up
It's just the hurt that you hide
When you're lost inside
I...I will be there to find you

Don't give up
Because you want to burn bright
If darkness blinds you
I...I will shine to guide you

[Chorus]

You are loved
Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
Don't give up
Every one needs to be heard
You are loved

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

My Hope

"YOUR Hope," What do you hope for most in your journey with Headaches or Migraines? Please share with us about what you hope for and why.

What I hope for most in my journey with Migraines is my life hope / goal: 

To faithfully follow God, allowing Him to work in and through me wherever I am and however He desires.

My life doesn't look the way I ever imagined. Chronic pain, especially chronic disabling pain, wasn't part of my life plan. But, life continues on, and I choose to participate in whatever capacity I'm able.

Regarding Migraine, I hope to improve my quality of life by continuing to learn, cope, share, grow. I want to make a difference... 

To help advocate for myself and others.
To help others know that they're not alone.
To help disseminate information about Migraine and other headache disorders.
To help raise awareness, educate others, reduce stigma, and increase funding for research. 

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

What in Nature Brings You Hope?

What in Nature Brings You Hope? Tell us what things in nature bring you hope and why.

This ties into one of my recent blog posts, Birds of Hope. As I shared in that post, "Everything in nature is a beautiful echo and reminder of the greatness of our Father."

There's something so wonderful about nature. There's something mesmerizing about the simplicity, complexity, and interconnectedness of everything.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in the chaos of life. But, nature provides relief from the chaos. A place to slow down. You can enjoy the present moment, reminisce about the past, dream about the future... anything is possible because nature surrounds you with infinite possibility.

It's difficult to narrow down what in nature brings me hope, as so many do. What first comes to mind, though, is the starry night sky. There is nothing that can take me out of myself better than just looking up into the night sky. My mind is overwhelmed by the infinite power of our Creator; while simultaneously, my heart is overcome with the truth that our Lord, the Maker of the universe, loves and cherishes me. What an awesome God!

"For my part I know nothing with any certainty,

but the sight of the stars makes me dream."

- Vincent van Gogh

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

When You Believe

"When You Believe:" Watch and listen to the video of Mariah Carey and Whitney Houston performing "When You Believe," then tell us how it can inspire hope.

https://youtu.be/LKaXY4IdZ40?list=RDLKaXY4IdZ40

During difficult times, it can feel like our prayers fall on deaf ears. We may feel alone or abandoned. We may even question our faith. We may feel like hope is gone.

But, as this song beautifully shares: "when you're blinded by your pain / Can't see the way, get through the rain / A small but still, resilient voice / Says hope is very near"... "though hope is frail, it's hard to kill." 

The Bible reminds us that: "Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20).

In the same way that "faith as small as a mustard seed" can move mountains, I believe that even the smallest bit of hope can help light our darkest days. 

Keep praying. Keep the faith. Keep hoping. Keep believing and trusting in God... miracles can happen. 

When You Believe by Whitney Houston

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts, a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains long
Before we knew we could, oh yes

[Chorus]

There can be miracles when you believe
Though hope is frail, it's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles you can achieve
When you believe, somehow you will
You will when you believe

Oh yeah, in this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seems like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
Yet now I'm standing here
My heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'll say

[Chorus]

They don't always happen when you ask
And it's easy to give in to your fears
But when you're blinded by your pain
Can't see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near, oh

[Chorus]

You will when you
You will when you believe
Just believe
I believe, I believe
Just believe
You will when you believe

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Birds of Hope

"Birds of Hope," Interpret the Quote: Tell us what the quote on the image below means to you.

You're welcome to use the image in your post as long as you don't make any changes to it.

This quote and image immediately brings a beautiful passage of scripture to mind:

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? 

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:25-34)

Everything in nature is a beautiful echo and reminder of the greatness of our Father. God will provide even our most basic needs because we are His beloved children, made in His image.

What hope we have, when we trust and know that God will provide for our needs!

This doesn't mean, though, that we can just be passive. Plan ahead, work hard, pray fervently... You can have concern (doing what you can to help a situation) without worry (after doing what you can to help a situation, you refuse to leave the rest up to God).

Jesus doesn't want us to worry ("do not worry" appears three times in this passage); He wants us to be hopeful. Trust in God's faithfulness to sustain you, just as He has in the past. And, don't let the challenges of tomorrow weigh you down today - "worrying doesn’t rob tomorrow of its sorrow, it robs today of its strength." Don't worry, be hopeful.

If you'd like to read (there's also an option to listen, instead) more about Matthew 6:25-34: Lifestyles of the Content and Worry-Free.

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Symbol of Hope

Symbol of Hope: What symbol helps give you hope for living with Migraine and Headaches?

There are multiple symbols that help give me hope for living with Migraine and Headaches. But, there is one that stands far beyond all the others.

The cross.

The cross means and reminds me of so many things, including: that I am a cherished child of God, that God loves me so much that He sacrificed His only son (who was raised on the third day), that I have purpose in this life,  that I am never alone, that I have the God of angel armies fighting for me.

The cross points me back to God. My faith in Him is where I find strength, hope, gratitude, and peace.

"I can do all this through him who gives me strength" (Philippians 4:13)

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Evolution: How Being a Patient Has Changed Me

Today's topic is "Evolution. Write about how being a patient or caregiver has changed you. How have your goals changed? Have your values changed?"

There are so many things that come to mind for this topic. I have changed a lot, since I started living with chronic debilitating pain 5-years ago. I've written quite a lot on the topic of change... here's one that jumps out in my mind:  Change: Life Since the Accident (Jan 6).

Slowing down
I've learned (and am still learning) to slow down. It hasn't been easy, as I was always on the go, before my accident. I planned nearly every hour of my day... man, was I a planner! But, that doesn't work for me now. I have to be mindful of my body's limitations in a way that I never did before. Otherwise, my body may just shut down and/or I later pay a very high price. So, I find my life is a much slower pace than most others, but that's what I need.

Living in the present
I'm learning more and more to simply live in the present moment. It's harder for me to do at some times than others, but I'm much better at doing it than I used to... I still have a way to go, though. When I'm having good moments, I do my best to cherish and enjoy them, regardless of how long they last. When I'm having very painful moments, I do my best to tend to my body and turn my focus on God - thanking Him for what I have, asking for His peace through the storm, praying for others who are experiencing any pain, etc.

Depending on others
I grew up to be an independent woman, and I've always taken pride in that. So, being thrust into a position of truly needing to depend on others was a huge (undesired) lesson in humility, among other things. I still have difficulty with asking for help, but I'm slowly becoming more comfortable with asking for and accepting assistance from others. I think it's an important lesson for everyone - not to depend on others for everything, but to be able to ask for and accept help when needed.
* There's a blog post that I started almost 2.5 years ago regarding independence / dependence... I think I'll work on finishing and posting that in the next few days. 

Gratitude
I find myself filled with gratitude in a different way than I was before. My list of things I'm grateful for includes even the simplest of things that I used to just take for granted. And, as humbling as that can sometimes be, it keeps me focused on the things, big and small, that God has blessed me with.

I have changed
I've become more focused on my priorities, stronger in my faith, more outspoken in health matters (especially concerning justice for those with disabilities), more understanding of others, and more forgiving of myself and others.

Goals have changed
My goals have changed. Sometimes I feel like a failure because I don't have my 5- or 10- (and so on) year plan on the tip of my tongue. My goals aren't SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, time-bound), like I was trained to believe is necessary. Perhaps it is necessary, but I don't feel a specific drive or calling of something to do in my life right now. And, while that sometimes makes me extremely anxious and like something must be wrong with me, I'm doing my best to trust that God has a plan for me.

Overall, even though I don't have SMART goals, I do feel more focused on a clear life purpose: to faithfully follow God, allowing Him to work in and through me wherever I am and however He desires. Now, that's not to say that I don't struggle along the way. I don't have any clue what I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but I'm doing my best to root myself in the One who does know.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Compassion in Greece, continued

I previously wrote about an experience I had in Greece (back in 2005): Compassion in Greece.

While on a class trip to Athens, Greece, I ended up with a monster migraine. One of the professors there responded with such kindness and compassion. He helped me, and then supported my decision to not miss the day at the Acropolis (despite my having sunglasses on, a jacket over my head, and needing assistance walking). He didn't question or belittle me. He simply offered me understanding, compassion, and kindness. And, that's what I hope I can offer to others.

It's so interesting to me, looking back from where I am today. I've dealt with frequent headaches for as long as I can remember. I had infrequent migraines, then, too (though, most of those were walks in the park compared to the migraines I've had since the accident). So much has changed, yet the love and provision of my God has stayed the same. He is always there.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Do You Love Me?

I have to be honest. It's been a long time since I've felt... I mean, really felt the spirit move in and through me. But, at this moment, despite the throbbing pain of a migraine that's ramping up and knowing that I'm going to be sidelined for the majority of the day, I feel alive! I feel the spirit churning in me, and pushing to come out. So, I turned on the computer to let the words flow through my fingers.

I have been feeling guilty and have been very hard on myself for a really long time. You see, I haven't been to church in longer than I care to admit - besides a couple visits here and there, it's probably been a few years now. It breaks my heart, as church and my family / church family (my family and I are members of the same church) has always been a constant rock in my life. But, I have a lot of difficulty with many aspects of the church-going experience, so here I am.

I miss it. I miss being surrounded by others that love Christ. I miss the Scripture, the songs, the sermons, the community. I miss feeling His presence.

My church has been streaming podcasts of the weekly sermons for a while now. I started listening to them, when they first started, but I haven't stayed disciplined in listening to them. For whatever reason, I decided to pull one up this morning and listen to it. Where should I start? At the beginning? The most recent? So, I just kinda randomly chose one... it ended up being the sermon from May 5, 2013. Wow!

The sermon speaks to how Jesus Christ came to simplify our lives and our faith. We are called as God's people to live and love simply.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of living simply, as I definitely do not. I over-complicate and over-analyze my life so much!

We over-complicate life, and Christ came to simplify it. We over-complicate our relationship with God, and Christ wants it more simple. We over-complicate forgiving other people (perhaps most of all, ourselves), loving other people... and it's all really simple. Christ came so that all are forgiven and loved. All we have to do is accept it and offer it to others. Simple. But, simple is not easy. A simple life of faith is not easy.

It's easier to only love and forgive certain people (for example, people that think or believe what we believe), but it's simpler to love and forgive everyone. And, we're called, as God's people, to love and forgive everyone - just as God loves and forgives us, unconditionally. It's not easy to love everyone unconditionally, but it's simpler.

Take, for example, Simon Peter. Simon Peter publicly and blatantly denies knowing Jesus three times (John 18:15-27). In a stark difference from the rules and regulations of the day to cleanse and repent for denying God, Jesus responds by asking a simple question... "Do you love me?" (John 21:15-17).

In order to be made holy and righteous, and be reconnected and back in relation with God, all He asks is, "Do you love me?" The only other thing we're asked to do is to simply go love and forgive others the way we've been loved and forgiven by God.

No matter how much we've messed up, how far we've strayed, what we've done... if we want to be forgiven by God and be in a relationship with God, all we have to do is answer this question:

Do you love Me, and will you go and love other people the way I've loved you?  ~God

Wow! What a huge release of so much guilt, disappointment, and hate that I've held toward myself. There's nothing difficult that I have to do to try to make things right between God and me. I love God, and I do my best to share His love and forgiveness with others. I feel like not being able to make it to church has somehow stifled my relationship with Him, but maybe He's growing me in different ways right now. I do hope to be able to rejoin my church community in weekly worship and service, but I'm trying to find peace in doing what I can right now... growing my relationship with God from where I am, knowing that the Lord of All has the reigns in my life.

All we have to do is accept God's unconditional love and forgiveness in our lives, and then go offer it to other people. That's it. So simple! 

A Valentine & Love Letter From God

               For God so loVed the world

      That He gAve

          His onLy

          BegottEn

              SoN

                            That whosoever

           Believeth In Him

                    Should Not perish,

                         But have Everlasting love

                                                             ~ John 3:16

My Child,

I know everything about you … Psalm 139:1
I knew you even before you were conceived … Jeremiah 1:4-5
I knit you together in your mother’s womb … Psalm 139:13
You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book … Psalm 139:15-16

I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love … 1 John 4:16
And it is my desire to lavish my love on you … 1 John 3:1
Simply because you are my child and I am your father … Matthew 7:11
Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand … James 1:17
My plan for your future has always been filled with hope … Jeremiah 29:11
For you are my treasured possession … Exodus 19:5
When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you … Psalm 34:18
As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart … Isaiah 40:11
One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes … Revelation 21:3-4
And I’ll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth … Revelation 21:3-4
Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled … 2 Corinthians 5:18-19
His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you … 1 John 4:10
And nothing will ever separate you from my love again … Romans 8:31-32
I have always been Father, and will always be Father … Ephesians 3:14-15
Come home and I’ll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen … Luke 15:7

Love,
Your Abba Almighty God

Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #24: Dear God

"God, be my guide, fill me. lead me. mold me.
make me pleasing to Your eyes. hold me.
be with me, always."

A prayer for my life:

To live a life worthy of my calling

"As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. There is one body and one Spirit, just as you were called to one hope when you were called ; one Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all" (Ephesians 4:1-6)

To have peace and hope, even in the midst of life's storms

"Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us" (2 Corinthians 1:9-10)

To lay all of my desires and hopes at my Father's feet

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done” (Luke 22:42)

To be more fully present in the moments of life

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34)
"This is the day the Lord has made; We will rejoice and be glad in it" (Psalm 118:24 NKJV)

To know and trust God more with my life

"I want to know you
I want to hear your voice
I want to know you more
I want to touch you
I want to see your face
I want to know you more" (Lyrics of Hillsong's song, I Want To Know You More)

This post was written as part of the Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge (MAMBC), which is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com and the National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation (NHF).

Inspirational Pinboard

Today's challenge is to share 3 things from my Pinterest board. I have definitely enjoyed using Pinterest. I've been able to find and try new recipes, and I enjoy broadening my creative side by seeing many of the do-it-yourself projects that others are doing.

I'm struggling with my head today (after a bad migraine yesterday), so today's post is going to have to be short. Here are some inspirational words that help me through these difficult times.

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

Things I Need & Love

Today's challenge is to write about 10 things I couldn't live without... for example, if I was stranded on an island. Well, living with chronic pain / illness can actually sometimes feel like being alone on a stranded island. My world is primarily within the walls of my apartment. I venture out as much as I can, but I spend the vast majority of my time here.

So, the things I need and want in my home now are the things I would need and want if I was stranded on an island. For this blog post, I'm going to change the prompt a bit. Here are 3 different lists: what I need / love the most, what I'd like to have, and what makes life worth living.

5 things that I need / love the most:

1. The unconditional love of our Father in heaven.
2. The strength and love of my amazing husband.
3. The love and support of my parents / family.
4. The encouragement and support of my (online) friends.
5. The hope that there will be days with less pain in the future.

5 things that I'd like to have:

1. A journal and pen.
2. Scrapbooking supplies.
3. Cell phone with internet access, so I can keep in touch with the outside world.
4. A soft pillow / blanket / bed.
5. Migraine meds.

5 things that make life worth living:

1. Faith
2. Hope
3. Love
4. Health
5. Laughter

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

Holding on to Hope

Image by jenlemen

Building and maintaining hope, when your life is dominated by Migraine disease (or another headache disorder), is both a challenge and a blessing. Living in constant pain makes holding on to hope difficult, but I've found it necessary to make it through each day... each moment.

Faith in God
My faith in God is, by far, the source of my hope. Knowing that I have a Lord that loves me unconditionally is such a comfort. I know that He will never give up on me, so I do my best to never give up. It can be very difficult to hold on to hope through the pain / isolation / etc, onslaught of other people's opinions and misunderstandings, and all of the uncertainty of living with chronic pain... but, we must remember that our God suffered too, He is always with us, He understands us, and He knows our future and will equip us to handle it.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11)

Today is Easter Sunday, which is perfect for explaining my hope. In His death, we see the magnitude of our Lord's love for us... and it is in His resurrection that we see the mighty power He has. There is nothing that can separate us from His love.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:38-39)

Christ loved us so much that He sent His son to die, so that we could have eternal hope! Hallelujah, Christ is risen!

"The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay" (Matthew 38:5-6)

Family and FriendsI'm also extremely blessed to have a family that loves me unconditionally.

• My husband helps me in more ways than I can ever even begin to explain. Besides loving and caring for me, he helps me to keep my faith in the Lord and hold on to hope for better days.
• My family has supported me so much through this, too. They've taken the time to educate themselves on Migraine disease, they listen to me explain my experience of it, and they share their love and support with me.
• My friends (especially my chronic pain online friends) each help support me, indifferent ways. My online friends and I are able to support each other in ways that many others cannot help support us because we all experience chronic pain and all of the obstacles that come with that. They offer me such love and support; and they help hold on to hope when I need help and can't do it myself.

Writing & Blogging

Writing has always been cathartic for me. I find a lot of peace and comfort in writing. It allows me to express myself in ways that other activities / outlets can't. When I write, I'm frequently reminded of how great our God is because He has given me the ability to write. What a wonderful gift to have... it gives me hope that He can still use my life to touch others.

Along the blogging journey I've had so far, I've come into contact with quite a few people, several of whom I've been able to help. What a blessing to be able to help others by sharing my experiences and offer support for their own journeys.

Here are some Scripture verses of hope:

• "Through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us" (Romans 5:2-5)
• "For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently" (Romans 8:24-25)
• "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer" (Romans 12:12)
• "For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope" (Romans 15:4)
• "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" (Romans 15:13)
• "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see" (Hebrews 11:1)

I previously made a playlist with songs of hope... you can check it out here, My Playlist: Songs of Hope.

Migraine disease may take away a lot of things in my life, but my hope is not one of them. I refuse to let this disease define or destroy me - it will not win! I will continue to do my best to hold on to hope!

Image found here

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC), and the April 2012 edition of the Headache and Migraine Disease Blog Carnival.

Our Deepest Fear

I love quotes because I believe that there is a lot of power in words, both written and spoken. I wrote about several inspiring quotes in yesterday's post, so I thought that today I'd write about an inspirational poem.

Our Deepest Fear

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people
won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

- Marianne Williamson

This poem has been a huge inspiration to me for years. "Our Deepest Fear" holds a deeply resonating message about our fear of greatness.

I know that I have experienced that paralyzing fear of stepping forward or standing out from the pack. As many of us do, I always considered this to be a fear of failure. But, Marianne Williamson's poem flips that upside-down and calls us to consider that instead of a fear of failure, it's a fear of greatness... a fear of being better than our peers, and perhaps even a fear of daring to be the best.

Let's take a closer look at the poem, Our Deepest Fear:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. - I think it's pretty common to believe that it's a fear of failure, or a fear of being inadequate, that stifles us. But, consider that it's actually our ability to do a lot, to be great, that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually who are we not to be? You are a child of God. - I love this! It can be difficult to remember that we are a child of God, and that He has given each of us gifts.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. - We have allowed the world to set the standard on our greatness. We sometimes sabotage ourselves because we're afraid to reveal our true light because we're not sure how others will respond to it. But, we are each called to step up, claim our birthrights, and start believing that we are who God says we are... who God made us to be. Playing small doesn't help anyone... it denies the greatness that God has placed in you, and it doesn't serve the world around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. - We are children of God, and we are each called to glorify God by allowing the gifts He has placed in us to shine through to the world. The world needs more light, more Christ, more love. Don't be afraid to display the light God has placed in you.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. - Every one of us is called to let our light shine. Being the best self you can be will benefit both you and others. Once you accept that God has made you great, you allow yourself to shine... this encourages other to recognize their own greatness, and begin to free themselves from the chains of fear.


This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).

Stormy Seas

Just a word of warning I'm dealing with a migraine (though it has eased up a bit for the time it took to write this post... now, it's returning), so this may or may not be coherent.

Two devotionals (they are short, and worth a read) from the blog, Inward/Outward, that I read have hit the nail on the head yesterday and today.

Yesterday's was titled, What Your Body Knows (by Patrice Vecchione). A portion of this short devotional really popped out at me:  "The body needs to relax to float. If you're stiff and afraid, the water will not hold you well and you'll flail and splash.... But if you have faith in the floating, faith in the water, alliances are made from that."

I have to say that I'm the one that either stiffens up or splashes and flails, in the midst of the storms of life. I don't relax / float well. I need to learn to trust more. To let go...

Today's is titled, First Lesson (by Phillip Booth). It is a great poem that fits how I'm feeling just perfectly. It ends with:

Remember when fear cramps your heart what I told you:
Lie gently and wide to the light-year stars,
Lie back and the sea will hold you.

The poem says to relax and lean back, allowing the sea to hold you. "A dead man's float is face down," but we are told to lie face-up in the midst of fear because we "will dive and swim soon enough."

When we find ourselves in the midst of stormy seas, the last thing we think to do is to relax. We instinctively tense up and fight against the waves... easily being overtaken with anxiety and fear. But, we can take refuge by anchoring ourselves to the solid rock of God.

I hear the tumult of the raging seas
as your waves and surging tides sweep over me.
But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
and through each night I sing his songs,
praying to God who gives me life. 
Psalms 42:7-8 (NLT)

Our faith anchors our souls to the solid rock of God, so that, no matter what happens, our God will continue to provide for us (in His way and His time). "... Therefore, we who have fled to him for refuge can have great confidence as we hold to the hope that lies before us. This hope is a strong and trustworthy anchor for our souls. It leads us through the curtain into God’s inner sanctuary" (Hebrews 6:18-19, NLT).

So, regardless of how sunny or stormy our life may be, we are to "...trust in him at all times. Pour out your heart to him, for God is our refuge" (Psalms 62:8, NLT).

Okay, I'm signing off (for real, this time) because this migraine is worsening. I'm grateful I had the ability and short-term, minor relief to be able to write this post (regardless of how coherent it actually is). I'm holding the words of these devotionals and scripture close...

I Will... in 2012

I don't like making new year's resolutions. But, I think the new year is as good a time as any to take some time to pause for a moment... reviewing the previous year's ups and downs, and then to re-prioritize and commit to things you can do to improve your life in the coming year.

• I will do my daily journaling devotional - so far this has been very good for me. The devotional I have is very short per day, but it allows me to reflect on it and then journal about it. It's an easy step to get myself back into reading and writing more.
• I will express more gratitude - to God, others, and myself.
• I will develop a healthy sleep schedule - getting up and going to bed closer to the same times (and more reasonable) daily.
• I will write more frequently - for my blog, my journal, and my other writing endeavors.
• I will incorporate exercise into my daily routine, even if it's only stretching.
• I will maintain a healthy diet and cook more frequently - including trying new recipes.
• I will celebrate (rather than discount) the goals I reach and achievements I make, regardless of how "large or small" they are.
• I will continue to seek out the best treatment possible to help me manage my chronic pain.
• I will schedule a digital sabbatical (even if only for an hour or two at a time).
• I will use my "Something for Jesus to Do" (SFJTD) box to write out things that I need to turn over to God - once I write it out and place it into the box, it is out of my hands (just as I must let go of the worry to God, the piece of paper is to be completely released... I throw them away or burn them, as the box fills... without re-reading what I'd written).
• I will continue to find ways of being kinder to myself... learning coping strategies, treating myself with the same kindness I treat others, avoiding toxic relationships and disrespectful people, accepting that some days will be better than others (but keeping faith that the good days will come).
• I will apologize less for things that are out of my control - I'm really bad about this, especially with my husband.

But, most of all... I will continue to seek God with all of my heart (Jeremiah 29:11-13).

Kari Bailey at Patient Endurance poses these questions, as one pauses to consider life changes and priorities:

“What do you want your life to stand for this year? What purpose do you want to fulfill? What is most important in your life right now? Who and what are you going to give the majority of your time to this year? What is your vision for your immediate future? What are you hoping and dreaming God will do for you and your family this year? What do you want changed in your life? Where do you want to be this time next year?"

I love these questions, but they definitely call for more thought and attention than I have to give right now. I'm going to write them down, respond to each question, and then honestly assess my answers.

Blessings!