A Look Back at 2023

It's the end of 2024. As I reflect on this year, I realize that I never posted about 2023. So, here it is. 

Note: I wrote this in December 2023.

I last posted about 2022 (and here's 2021). I may not always share an annual blog post. I don't want to place pressure on myself to write one. I'm allowing space for myself to do so, if it feels right. 

I closed out the year wanting 2023 to be "full of peace, calm, grace, and abundance. I want to flow through the challenges that will inevitably show up. I want to be present in moments of beauty and joy."

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez 🇨🇦 on Unsplash

My previous year's review offered a few questions to ponder. While they're good questions to ask about any chunk of time (a day, week, month, year, and so forth), the new year offers an opportunity to consider them for 2023.

What did you overcome this year?

I faced a lot of fear this year. I was strong and brave in ways that I haven't always noticed. I took chances and opened myself up in new safe spaces. 

This year, I made huge strides in changing the way I relate to myself and my emotions. 

• I'm learning how to be more aware of and better identify and express my emotions. 
• I'm learning more about what I need and want. 
• I'm learning new ways to use my voice. 
• I'm learning more about neural pathways and the relationship between my thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations. 

What brought you joy this year?

So much has brought me joy this year. I feel like I'm seeing things through clearer eyes, in some ways. Depression has loosened its grip on me, and life is brighter. 

I have a support system that has offered me safe presence, encouragement, feedback, and guidance. I love sharing space with these souls, even if it's mostly virtually. 

I have been able to spend time with people I love, in-person and virtually. I have been writing more, exploring new recipes, and taking more pictures of beauty.

What do you want next year to look like?

I want next year to be a time of growth and rest, consistency and change, depth and frivolity. I want there to be meaningful conversations, moments of joy, soulful connections. I want my days to be filled with creativity, love, and laughter. 

Questions for reflection (and sharing, if you'd like to). Feel free to adjust the timing to what feels right for you. Perhaps you want to consider these questions for a month, quarter, etc. 

• What did you overcome this year?
• What brought you joy this year?
• What do you want next year to look like?

"Write it on your heart that every day is the best day in the year." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

A Year in Review (2022)

Note: I wrote this in December 2022.

I don't always do a year in review sort of post, though I did in 2021. I was recently part of a writing group that prompted me to consider some questions about this year.

eberhard 🖐 grossgasteiger on Unsplash

This year has been an intense year. There has been a lot of deep sadness and grief. Depression has taken hold multiple times. Anxiety has spun me around more times than I can count. Pain remains my daily companion.

Through it all, God has remained faithful. I'm grateful for His provision, especially when I don't know what I need.

I have overcome a lot this year. I've made it through every single time that I wasn't sure I would. Every time. Every. Time. I will continue to make it through, even when I'm not sure how.

I did a lot of hard work this year. I tackled depression with TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation), Ketamine, and therapy. I completed a 3-week intensive pain rehabilitation program. I consistently showed up for physical therapy, both in office and at home. I made it through pelvic trigger point injections and acupuncture. A lot of needles. A lot of pain. A lot of work.

I am a warrior. I’m tired of fighting, and I'm doing my best to find balance.

I still have a long way to go to get to where I want to be. Where I thought I would already be. I'm doing my best to accept where I am and continue working to get to where I want to be.

I spent time with family and friends this year, both virtually and in-person. I enjoyed moments of love and laughter.

I want next year to be full of peace, calm, grace, and abundance. I want to flow through the challenges that will inevitably show up. I want to be present in moments of beauty and joy.

Intentionally reflecting allows me to recognize how far I've come.

• Writing about the obstacles that I overcame reminds me of my strength and resilience, and God's faithful provision.
• Remembering the people and moments that brought me joy reminds me of all that I'm so very grateful for.
• Looking forward to the coming year reminds me that there's space to grow and change, and that there's always hope.

Questions for reflection (and sharing, if you'd like to):

• What did you overcome this year?
• What brought you joy this year?
• What do you want next year to look like?

"Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us." - Hal Borland

Head Above Water

Music has always played an important part of my life journey. There are songs that touch my soul in unexpected ways by expressing a deep pain or angst, faith or hope... or a combination of the complexity we experience as humans.

Avril Lavigne's song, Head Above Water, captured me from the first time I heard it last fall. Apparently, the song stuck with me, and surfaced over the struggles of the last month because I've found myself singing the chorus at random moments.

She wrote this song during her own debilitating health struggles. The rawness and openness of her physical and emotional battles in the midst of a terrible storm is so powerful. It's a reminder that despite the storms and battles that we face in life, we can reach others, grow, and create something amazing.

https://youtu.be/EKF6ghfcQic

Head Above Water by Avril Lavigne

I've gotta keep the calm before the storm
I don't want less, I don't want more
Must bar the windows and the doors
To keep me safe, to keep me warm

Yeah, my life is what I'm fighting for
Can't part the sea, can't reach the shore
And my voice becomes the driving force
I won't let this pull me overboard

[Chorus]
God, keep my head above water
Don't let me drown, it gets harder
I'll meet you there at the altar
As I fall down to my knees

Don't let me drown, drown, drown
Don't let me, don't let me, don't let me drown

So pull me up from down below

'Cause I'm underneath the undertow
Come dry me off and hold me close
I need you now, I need you most

[Chorus]

Don't let me drown, drown, drown

Keep my head above water, above water

And I can't see in the stormy weather
I can't seem to keep it all together
And I, I can't swim the ocean like this forever
And I can't breathe

God, keep my head above water
I lose my breath at the bottom
Come rescue me, I'll be waiting
I'm too young to fall asleep

[Chorus]

My Hope

"YOUR Hope," What do you hope for most in your journey with Headaches or Migraines? Please share with us about what you hope for and why.

What I hope for most in my journey with Migraines is my life hope / goal: 

To faithfully follow God, allowing Him to work in and through me wherever I am and however He desires.

My life doesn't look the way I ever imagined. Chronic pain, especially chronic disabling pain, wasn't part of my life plan. But, life continues on, and I choose to participate in whatever capacity I'm able.

Regarding Migraine, I hope to improve my quality of life by continuing to learn, cope, share, grow. I want to make a difference... 

To help advocate for myself and others.
To help others know that they're not alone.
To help disseminate information about Migraine and other headache disorders.
To help raise awareness, educate others, reduce stigma, and increase funding for research. 

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Pets for Comfort & Hope

Pets for Comfort and Hope: If you have pets that help you keep hoping, tell us about them. If not, tell us about something else that helps you keep hoping.

Ah, pets! I've written about how pets have helped me cope with Migraine: My Shadow & My Honey Bee. Pets give you someone to take care of, while simultaneously helping take care of you. They're there during the ups and downs. They're a great source of love, comfort, hope, and joy.

We've now had Honey Bee for almost 3 years. She's been even more of a blessing than I ever could've imagined. She continues to grow more confident in herself and us, and it's great to see her personality blossom and shine.

Honey is home with me every day. Even if we're not actively interacting with each other, we know that the other is there. It's so comforting. We both value our own space, but also enjoy snuggle time together. She can be such a peaceful and calming presence.

Honey has had a difficult past. But, she reminds me that great things can come from difficult times. She has overcome obstacles, and she inspires me to keep going.

© 2015 Jamie V.

I love seeing Honey happy. Making sure she is taken care of and has what she needs is a top priority for me. We have a doggie door, which allows her to have more independence because she can go outside anytime it's open. She seems much happier to be able to come in and out, as she desires... rather than only when Mom feels up to getting her outside.

She has such a loving and silly personality. She loves snuggling with pillows, playing with toys, eating tasty treats, and just hanging out with us.

Pets have such power to change our moods, help keep life in perspective, and feel unconditionally loved. When I see Honey so excited over something little, it makes me smile. Her kisses are healing. And, I know that I can face the hardships in my life and come out on top.

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Song of Hope

Song of Hope: What song gives you hope to hold, despite your Migraines or Headaches and how?

I love music. It can express things that it's otherwise difficult to express.

I've posted a lot about different songs that provide me comfort, inspiration, hope, etc. If you'd like to take a look and hear more, I actually have a blog post specifically for songs of hope: My Playlist: Songs of Hope.

One of the songs on that playlist is the one that I feel most compelled to share today: Stronger by Mandisa.

This song is such a strong reminder that God loves me unconditionally and will never forsake me. He knows the hurt I feel, and He will help me through even the most difficult of times.

'Cause if He started this work in your life / He will be faithful to complete it / If only you believe it / He knows how much it hurts / And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

http://youtu.be/emgv-VRtMEU

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" (Jeremiah 29:11).

The Migraine and Headache Awareness Month (MHAM) Blog Challenge is organized by the American Headache and Migraine Association.

Top Three Tuesday: Michael Pollack

Today's topic is: "Top Three Tuesdays. Name three songs that you can listen to that get you out of a low point or lift your spirits."

I've really been enjoying the few songs I've heard by Michael Pollack - Chances Are, Get Well, and More Than Ever. I have his songs downloaded from iTunes, and I'm having a hard time finding any good videos on YouTube. But, I'm going to link what I could find.

*The best way to hear these three songs are to go to his website, where he has them available to play for free or purchase downloads from iTunes.* Enjoy!

Chances Are
Michael Pollack received a lot of attention after a video of an impromptu performance with Billy Joel. You can take a look / listen to that and Pollack's song, Chances Are, HERE. You can also search YouTube for "Michael Pollack Chances Are," though it's not allowing me to post it here in the blog. Some of the lyrics to this song are:

"You may be alive, but are you living? I promise you the two are not the same. Never hesitate to take what's given, 'cause chance are this chance won't come again."

Get Well

"What you got left? Where can you go? Can you open up the dreams you had long ago? When did you break? When did you fall? Did you forget how to walk? Did you forget how to crawl? Did you run out of breath? Are you tired as hell? I can't help you come back I can't help you get well... You're gonna find your peace."

Get Well - http://youtu.be/iR8l2b-sOXg

More Than Ever

"I need you now, more than ever."

Both Michael Pollack's voice and piano skills are simply amazing! I hope you enjoy as much as I do! Here's his website link, again: http://www.michaelpollackmusic.com/music.php.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Compassion in Greece, continued

I previously wrote about an experience I had in Greece (back in 2005): Compassion in Greece.

While on a class trip to Athens, Greece, I ended up with a monster migraine. One of the professors there responded with such kindness and compassion. He helped me, and then supported my decision to not miss the day at the Acropolis (despite my having sunglasses on, a jacket over my head, and needing assistance walking). He didn't question or belittle me. He simply offered me understanding, compassion, and kindness. And, that's what I hope I can offer to others.

It's so interesting to me, looking back from where I am today. I've dealt with frequent headaches for as long as I can remember. I had infrequent migraines, then, too (though, most of those were walks in the park compared to the migraines I've had since the accident). So much has changed, yet the love and provision of my God has stayed the same. He is always there.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

A Small Dose of Inspiration

I love quotes! I believe that words are filled with power, and inspiring words are simply priceless. Today's post is about sharing three favorite quotes. I'm not sure that these are my favorites, but they speak to where I'm currently at in my journey.

"I cannot do everything, but I can do something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I can do."  ~Edward Hale 

"Don't be afraid of your flaws; acknowledge them and let God use you anyway. Quit worrying about what you're not and give God what you are."  ~Joyce Meyer 

"Never doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light."  ~Victor Raymond Edman

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

The Little Engine That Could

Today's topic is the little engine. I wrote a blog post, The Little Engine That Could, a couple years ago.

I think I can I can begin (and maintain) an exercise routing, starting with walking more.
I think I can feel less guilty when I choose to take care of myself, even if that means saying "no" or canceling plans with others.
I think I can read and write more frequently.
I think I can help end the stigma of Migraine disease and Invisible Illness.

I know I can be a loving a supportive wife (and mom to my dogs).
I know I can be there for loved ones (even if not always in the ways I'd prefer to).
I know I can continue making small changes to improve my quality of life, and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I know I can live a full and meaningful life, despite having chronic pain.

This post was written as part of the National Health Blog Posting Month (NHBPM). Other bloggers will share their posts on this FB page.

Do You Love Me?

I have to be honest. It's been a long time since I've felt... I mean, really felt the spirit move in and through me. But, at this moment, despite the throbbing pain of a migraine that's ramping up and knowing that I'm going to be sidelined for the majority of the day, I feel alive! I feel the spirit churning in me, and pushing to come out. So, I turned on the computer to let the words flow through my fingers.

I have been feeling guilty and have been very hard on myself for a really long time. You see, I haven't been to church in longer than I care to admit - besides a couple visits here and there, it's probably been a few years now. It breaks my heart, as church and my family / church family (my family and I are members of the same church) has always been a constant rock in my life. But, I have a lot of difficulty with many aspects of the church-going experience, so here I am.

I miss it. I miss being surrounded by others that love Christ. I miss the Scripture, the songs, the sermons, the community. I miss feeling His presence.

My church has been streaming podcasts of the weekly sermons for a while now. I started listening to them, when they first started, but I haven't stayed disciplined in listening to them. For whatever reason, I decided to pull one up this morning and listen to it. Where should I start? At the beginning? The most recent? So, I just kinda randomly chose one... it ended up being the sermon from May 5, 2013. Wow!

The sermon speaks to how Jesus Christ came to simplify our lives and our faith. We are called as God's people to live and love simply.

I've been thinking a lot about this idea of living simply, as I definitely do not. I over-complicate and over-analyze my life so much!

We over-complicate life, and Christ came to simplify it. We over-complicate our relationship with God, and Christ wants it more simple. We over-complicate forgiving other people (perhaps most of all, ourselves), loving other people... and it's all really simple. Christ came so that all are forgiven and loved. All we have to do is accept it and offer it to others. Simple. But, simple is not easy. A simple life of faith is not easy.

It's easier to only love and forgive certain people (for example, people that think or believe what we believe), but it's simpler to love and forgive everyone. And, we're called, as God's people, to love and forgive everyone - just as God loves and forgives us, unconditionally. It's not easy to love everyone unconditionally, but it's simpler.

Take, for example, Simon Peter. Simon Peter publicly and blatantly denies knowing Jesus three times (John 18:15-27). In a stark difference from the rules and regulations of the day to cleanse and repent for denying God, Jesus responds by asking a simple question... "Do you love me?" (John 21:15-17).

In order to be made holy and righteous, and be reconnected and back in relation with God, all He asks is, "Do you love me?" The only other thing we're asked to do is to simply go love and forgive others the way we've been loved and forgiven by God.

No matter how much we've messed up, how far we've strayed, what we've done... if we want to be forgiven by God and be in a relationship with God, all we have to do is answer this question:

Do you love Me, and will you go and love other people the way I've loved you?  ~God

Wow! What a huge release of so much guilt, disappointment, and hate that I've held toward myself. There's nothing difficult that I have to do to try to make things right between God and me. I love God, and I do my best to share His love and forgiveness with others. I feel like not being able to make it to church has somehow stifled my relationship with Him, but maybe He's growing me in different ways right now. I do hope to be able to rejoin my church community in weekly worship and service, but I'm trying to find peace in doing what I can right now... growing my relationship with God from where I am, knowing that the Lord of All has the reigns in my life.

All we have to do is accept God's unconditional love and forgiveness in our lives, and then go offer it to other people. That's it. So simple! 

A Life-Affirming Visit

You know those amazing, life-affirming visits with someone (be it a friend or a stranger), where you leave feeling that your soul has been refreshed / renewed?

I had one of those Sunday night. I had a chance to visit with a long-time friend of the family, who I only get to see every four or five years. She happened to be in town for a few days, and I (thankfully) was feeling well enough to visit a bit with her and some of my family.

She and I chatted with one another for a little while, and I feel that we connected in a special way. She shared with me how she saw me before the chronic migraines (very active and busy, an intellectual, etc), and then recognized and allowed me to talk about the difficulties that have come with learning to live life with so much pain and so many limitations. She said she knows I've always been determined and strong, and that she knows I'll do my best to be and live as well as possible.

She shared bits of wisdom that she's learned over a lifetime of experiences... bits of wisdom that seem so simple and basic, but are truly life-changing:

• Listen carefully to your body.
• Do what feels right to and for you (call it your gut, instinct, or just a feeling).
• Be okay / comfortable with the decisions you make.
• What others say to / about you is about them, not you.
• Don't spend precious time and energy on wasteful things. 

• such as, thinking or worrying about... what others say to/about you, expectations of self and others (what you should be doing), what may or may not happen, and other things that are out of our control.

• There is meaning and purpose in life, even when it doesn't feel like there is.
• The faith that we gain during times of struggle are priceless.

I'm sure there are other things that'll keep coming to mind, as the words shared between us play in my mind further. There were aspects of this journey that I haven't talked about in quite a long time (like identifying myself with my intellect, and the loss of that when I struggled with and then decided not to continue graduate school). It was interesting for me to see what I've dealt and come to terms with, and what is still a little raw to talk about. I know that this is all a journey, and it was nice to share parts of my journey with this friend.

I feel validated and better understood. I also feel a renewed sense of hope and direction that feels great!

I count myself so blessed to have this person in my life, and that she was willing to spend some time sharing with and really listening to me. My heart is filled with gratitude!

Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge #27: In My Head & Heart

There are several people that inspire me to keep trying and not give up, despite my Migraines.

My Husband - Jeremy has always been a huge support and encouraging partner. He tries his best to understand my Migraines. He goes with me to doctor appointments. He's truly seen me at my worst... and he loves me anyway.

He knows that in my heart, I don't want to give up... and he reminds me of that. He cheers me on, even when the achievement is seemingly minor. He helps me so much (with tasks around the house, etc), but he encourages me to do what I need to so that I can live the best quality life I can with this disease (sometimes that means challenging myself to do something I haven't done in a while). He doesn't make me feel bad for my memory problems, my inability to help more around the house, having to cancel plans at the last minute, and so many other limitations I now have.

He helps me hold onto hope, and I'm so very grateful that he's my life partner.

My Family - My family has always been behind me, supporting and encouraging me. I lived with my parents for a little while following the accident, so they've seen me through some very dark times. I don't really remember much about the months after the accident (I literally had to write things down as they happened, or they'd be gone forever), but I know that I couldn't have made it through without them.

My mom went with me to all of my doctor appointments for at least the first year after the accident, and always asks for updates on how appointments went. My dad is always such a calming presence in my life, and I know that he knows and understands me in ways that many others don't. My sister has also been a so supportive and encouraging, and it means the world to me.

My family is my solid foundation and constant in the midst of life's storms, and I'm so very blessed to have them behind me no matter what.

My Friends - I rarely communicate with most of my friends. But, I do have a friend or two that have taken some steps to try to better understand Migraine and my experience living with it - and I'm so grateful that they have. They don't mind if I need to keep the lights low, keep my sunglasses on, and they show compassion (but, thankfully, not pity). I know that they're busy with their own lives, but I cherish the times I get to chat with them (in person, on the phone, texts, email, snail mail - any way that we can communicate). 

Online support communities

My Online Friends - I've met some dear friends in the online world, most that I probably never would've been blessed to know without the common link of Migraine. They have provided me strength, support, hope, prayers, and friendship. I can always count on them to understand and accept me the way that I am. They've helped me through some of the roughest times; but they're also there to cheer me on, celebrate achievements (no matter how small), and to offer words of kindness and love.

My Stubborn Self - I've always been a persistent and determined person. I won't stop trying to find relief. But, meanwhile, I'm trying to create and maintain a life that includes living within my current limitations. I'll never give up hope - I may have trouble holding on sometimes, but I have a support system that will hold onto hope when it's slipping from me.

My Faith / My God - I put up a wall and was so angry with God for some time after my accident. But, at some point, I came around and have been trying to trust Him more (this isn't to say that I never feel frustrated or angry with God, but it's much less frequently and shorter-lived).

God has provided for me / us in so many different ways. He provided for us financially through times with mounting medical costs and Jeremy being unemployed. He continues to give me the strength to make it through each moment. He blesses me in so many different ways, despite my chronic Migraines.

I don't understand why God brought me to this place of chronic pain. But, I'm trusting Him to work in and through me. I can't say that I'm happy to be a chronic Migraineur, but it's bringing me closer to my God and some of my family... it's made me slow down and live more "in the moment / in the now"... it's helping me to embrace and cherish the good moments, and try hard to let go of the moments that try to consume me... and it's reminding me to be filled with gratitude, even for simple or small blessings.

I believe that sometimes the greatest blessings are born out of brokenness.

This post was written as part of the Migraine Awareness Month Blogging Challenge (MAMBC), which is initiated by www.FightingHeadacheDisorders.com and the National Migraine Awareness Month is initiated by the National Headache Foundation (NHF).

Inspirational Pinboard

Today's challenge is to share 3 things from my Pinterest board. I have definitely enjoyed using Pinterest. I've been able to find and try new recipes, and I enjoy broadening my creative side by seeing many of the do-it-yourself projects that others are doing.

I'm struggling with my head today (after a bad migraine yesterday), so today's post is going to have to be short. Here are some inspirational words that help me through these difficult times.

This post was written as part of the Health Activist Writer's Awareness Challenge (HAWMC).