Heavy Baggage

I've always loved reading and learning. That hasn't changed. But, the time has come to unpack and face the heavy baggage of that love. Let me explain...

I have boxes upon boxes filled with books, binders, and notepads. They no longer seem to have a place in my life. Yet, I struggle immensely with even the thought of getting rid of them... as if, by doing so, it would somehow negate the knowledge and lessons I acquired through them.

One of the professors at my Alma Mater, University of Dallas (UD), said that the purpose of the school's intense Core Curriculum is to learn from many of the great thinkers, and then to formulate our own worldview. The UD website states that:

The Core is an opportunity to inquire into the fundamental aspects of being and our relationship with God, nature and our fellow human beings. The Core curriculum embodies the University of Dallas’ dedication to the pursuit of wisdom, truth and virtue as the proper and primary ends of education.

I feel like I've learned from every book, article, and class I've encountered. I may not have enjoyed or taken something from each one to add to my worldview, but each one taught me something. And, in that, it's difficult to dispose of them.

There's an added piece of the puzzle, though.

I envisioned a life where I would be a professor. I would conduct research, write papers and books, and teach students. I would be referring back to these books, and possibly to some of my notes (if only just to see how my perspective might have shifted over time). They would serve an important role in my life.

But, since my car accident (7 years ago!), a lot has changed. Many of these books have remained in boxes that entire time, while others have only been moved from boxes to bookshelves and back to boxes.

For the time that they were on the bookshelves, I would sometimes feel like they were a visual (and painful) reminder of how much in my life had changed. I haven't been able to read and write like prior to the accident. I felt like I had lost the ability to be a scholar, and that broke my heart.

I was cleaning one of our bedrooms yesterday... the one with half of the closet full of those many boxes of books, binders, and notepads. I felt my heart start to pound quickly in my chest, but I didn't have a panic attack. I'm taking that as a sign that it's time to try to deal with the boxes and the related emotions that will surface.

I'm not sure how to best face all of this, but I think it's time. I'm not going to just dump everything out. I'm going to go through the boxes (when hubby is here to help me safely move them from their resting place): carefully considering what to keep and what not to, thanking each of them for their service and place in my life, and then either donate, sell, or recycle.

I know that this is going to take some time, but it's time.

Mixed Feelings This Graduation Season

I've been having some mixed feelings well up over the last couple of weeks. Back in the fall of 2009, I decided to begin graduate school. Some of my journey has been written in a previous post, Pursuing a Degree with Migraine Agony. So, let's just say that my health worsened and I ended up taking a leave of absence after 2 semesters (after the Spring 2010 semester).

Well, the people that were part of my cohort graduated this past weekend. It was my plan to graduate this year, as well. And, as proud as I am of them, it's difficult to see graduation pictures of them without me there, too.

This has actually come as quite a surprise to me because I've been at peace with my decision not to return to graduate school (at least not right now). But, it's still a reminder that I was unable to attain a goal I set for myself, due to my health issues. I find myself feeling extremely jealous of those that completed the program, and I'm not quite sure how to move past it right now.

Yesterday, I wrote a post on my other blog that I really need to try to keep in my heart and mind. The post is called Wait and See by Brandon Heath. I have trouble being patient, but I need to remember the words to this song. Here are some of the ones that are touching me so much right now... 

There is hope, for me yet,
Because God won't forget,
All the plans HE's made for me
I have to wait and see,
HE's not finished with me yet,
HE's not finished with me yet

A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes

"Follow your heart, wherever it leads;
for only your heart know what your soul needs."
            - Jamie Conkle

I wrote the above several years ago. So, when I saw that this month's blog carnival was "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes," it brought it back to mind. I started thinking about dreams and following your heart... what I discovered was surprising.

I used to dream BIG... VERY BIG! I was always the over-achiever, perfectionist, etc... that always reached for the stars (or beyond), and then had the drive to work toward those goals and dreams.

At some point since my pain has become debilitating, I have stopped dreaming BIG... perhaps even stopped dreaming at all. Wow! This discovery really opened by eyes... and made my heart ache. I've mainly been in survival mode for the past 2 years.

After graduating with my Bachelor's degree, I wanted to work for a few years and then return to graduate school. I landed a job that I started a few weeks after graduation. I worked there until my car accident in October 2008. I decided to start graduate school, as I had originally intended, in Fall 2009 - I wasn't going to let the injuries from the accident change my BIG dream of going to graduate school.

I moved to Oklahoma and started classes that August. I had a rough first semester and ended up on academic probation. This was extremely difficult for me to handle. I had the increasing pain and isolation... as well as struggling with school, which was something that I felt was the right step to make toward my dream.

I got married in October 2009 to my best friend, which was a BIG dream come true - he moved up to Oklahoma after he graduated in December. With the help of my new husband, I was able to make it through the Spring semester (got off probation) - he took such good care of me, through some of the roughest times. I was glad to be back in good standing (with the university), but it took everything out of me.

I've been on a leave of absence (LOA) from graduate school since May 2010. Making the decision to take a LOA was difficult for me, but it has been the best decision I could've ever made. The past few months have been the worst months (pain-wise) that I've experienced thus far. There's no way I would've been able to complete the semester.

So, now what?! My life has been juggled around, my relationships have changed, and my dreams have become blurry...

I'm not sure at all. I do want to complete graduate school, though I'm not sure if that will be now or later. I want to live closer to my family (my parents and siblings, husbands parents and sibling, grandparents, etc...). I want to have a family, though this may look different depending on whether or not these migraines truly get under control - I feel confident that they will with the stimulator, but there's always a chance that it won't. I want to be a writer. I want to be play an active role in my life. I want to live out my faith and serve the Lord - I don't know how He wants to use me, but I want to serve and glorify Him.

Perhaps my dreams have simplified. Perhaps they will be BIG again... or maybe they already are... maybe "BIG" has just been re-defined, just as my life has been re-defined... My faith, hope, and dreams are in the hands of my Lord ~ "Trust in the Lord with all of your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" (Proverbs 3:5-6).

Some DREAM quotes:

• "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined." - Henry David Thoreau
• "If what's in your dreams wasn't already real inside you, you couldn't even dream it." - Gloria Steinem
• "The greatest thing is to be willing to give up who we are in order to become all that we can become." - Max Depree
• "If you don't have a dream, how are you going to have a dream come true?" - Faye LaPointe

"Reach high, for stars lie hidden in your soul. Dream deep, for every dream precedes the goal." - P. Vaull Starr

Pursuing a Degree with Migraine Agony

September 2010 Headache Blog Carnival:  "Students and headache disorders - How have migraines & headaches affected your schooling? How has a headache disorder affected your school age child? How did you cope with balancing school and headaches or migraines?" - There are some great posts for students with headache disorders (of all ages). Take a look at the above link.

During my late teen years, I had some problems with headaches; but none really interfered with my life. If I had headache/migraine problems in college (undergraduate), they didn't prevent me from going to classes, completing assignments, etc.

I felt that my health had improved enough to begin graduate school in the Fall 2009 (about 10.5 months after the car accident that spun me into a whirlwind of pain).

I didn't seek out assistance because I didn't want to be viewed differently. I tried to keep my chronic migraine disease to myself. I tried to pace myself, especially with long-term assignments, so it wouldn't be a dire situation if I had a migraine attack at the last minute. This was a huge step for me. I was the one in school that planned ahead, but typically procrastinated (you know, writing papers the night before they were due). Keeping up with the reading was difficult - sometimes I could concentrate/focus and read, and sometimes I couldn't... my memory worked only part of the time, and it was impossible to predict.

When I continued to fall behind in my classes, I finally decided that I needed to reach out for help. I talked with my professors and with a couple of my peers. It got to a point where I needed more assistance than I wanted to accept.

I set up a meeting with the director for the Center for Student Academic Support. But, it was too late in the semester to really help. I remember filling out the form to get academic support/assistance... it tore me apart. How could all of this be happening?! I went to a great liberal arts university and did well during my undergraduate years (i.e., before the accident), taking 15-17 credits per semester and working 20-25 hours per week. And, now, here I am... unable to keep up with school work (even with accommodations), unable to fulfill the 20 hours of work required for my graduate assistantship... unable to live my life in any sense of the word "normal." It ached me to be filling out paperwork asking me about whether I had ever been tested for learning disabilities, been in special education or remedial classes, and then rating my skills (reading  rate and comprehension, test-taking skills, etc...). What a horrible blow to my self-confidence (which was already pretty low). We discussed accommodations - extended time in a secluded room for taking exams - which helped a little.

Unfortunately, my migraines worsened as the semester(s) progressed. I struggled through my first semester, which resulted in me being placed on academic probation. I was able to improve my grades during the spring semester, which resulted in me being taken off of academic probation. It definitely took a toll on my health, though. But, I was missing out on so much of the graduate school experience - doing research, spending time with other students, etc...

I took the summer off from school, and I am taking a leave of absence for at least this semester. I'm still trying to figure out how to successfully continue pursuing my master's degree, while I continually suffer with chronic migraine pain.

My Advice:
- Seek help early on (professors, school disability office, peers)
- Communication is key (be direct, consistent, forward)
- Be realistic of your limitations (and stay within them) - only you can know what your limitations are and what you need

The Battle Begins

I experienced migraines on and off throughout my teenage years. However, by my current standards, those would barely rank as headaches.

I had a car accident in October 2008, which has resulted in chronic, debilitating migraines; neck and shoulder pain; insomnia; and extreme weight loss. It has been a nightmare dealing with the different insurance companies, doctors’ offices, and so forth; while trying to heal and continue on with my life.

I never imagined that so much pain could result from a single moment in time. I have tried more medication than anyone should take in an entire lifetime! I have been to neurologists, physical therapists, massage therapists, counselors, etc... but the pain persists...

Migraine has affected my entire life: flipped it upside-down. I was only 23 years old, when I had the accident. I was at the top of my game at work, my long-time boyfriend had proposed a few months before, and I had just presented part of my senior thesis at a national conference. I was looking forward to going to graduate school the following fall.

I felt that my health had improved enough to begin graduate school in the Fall 2009. Unfortunately, my migraines worsened as the semester(s) progressed. I struggled through my first semester, which resulted in me being placed on academic probation. I was able to improve my grades during the spring semester, which resulted in me being taken off of academic probation. It definitely took a toll on my health, though. I took the summer off from school, and I am taking a leave of absence for at least this semester.

How could all of this be happening?! I went to a great liberal arts university and did well during my undergraduate years (i.e., before the accident), taking 15-17 credits per semester and working 20-25 hours per week. And, now, here I am... unable to keep up with school work (even with accommodations), unable to fulfill the 20 hours of work required for my graduate assistantship... unable to live my life in any sense of the word "normal."

Thus, the past (almost) 2 years of my life have been spent searching... I have done A LOT of research about migraines, as well as generally living with chronic pain. My search is definitely not over. There are many wounds that need healed - this accident and disease have affected my life physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and so forth.
 
It makes my heart ache to know that there are others out there that are struggling with chronic, debilitating pain and just trying to hang on. I hope that I can help, even just one other person, by sharing my story and what I have learned, as well as by being here to listen to other people's stories. If you have a story that longs to be told, feel free to tell it, even if anonymously. I know that it can be difficult to put your experience(s) into words, but perhaps telling your story will provide a sense of release.