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Monday, August 18, 2014

The Dark Duo: Anxiety & Depression (4/9/14)

I can't believe that it's been so long since I've posted anything here on my blog. I finally sat down to take a look at what I've started writing, and came across several things I started back in April. I'm not in the same place as I was then, but I'm still struggling a lot with depression, anxiety, and pain. I'm going to try to get back to writing, and I feel like posting these things (even if some of them are incomplete) that I wrote several months ago will give me a start.

This post was written 4/9/2014:

I've been away for a long time, and though I'm ready to come out of the darkness I've been entrenched in, I don't really know how to... But, I have to try.

Honestly, the last few months are somewhat of a blur... in some ways, the anxiety and depression feel like they've been all but consuming me for so very long... but, the calendar tells me otherwise. But, that's what the dark duo does. It blurs and twists reality.

I haven't talked much about my experiences with depression... or, maybe I have. I don't really remember. I know I've shared some about my struggles with anxiety. It's hard to put into words. I've tried writing in my hand-written journal a few times over the last few months, as a way to get some of the internal struggle out; but panic attacks put a quick stop to that.

Being completely honest, I've been lost.

I have felt so much over the last few months... and, yet, so little. I've felt the weight of everything, indifference to everything, great sadness, complete helplessness.

Just a quick update on some things that have happened:
  • One of my grandmothers passed away.
  • My husband has been to (and currently is in) Afghanistan for work.
  • Botox was tried twice and failed.
  • Another treatment option brought on such side effects that it brought back fears of losing the weight I've (finally) gained back.
My list of blessings is long, but here are some:
  • My Lord has carried me through everything.
  • My husband continues to be the most loving and supportive person in my life.
  • My family has helped support me, especially when my husband isn't physically here to do so.
  • I've gained back the weight I've lost and struggled to gain back over the last 5 years (finally back to pre-accident weight).
  • I've reached out, when I didn't know that I could (and I have a couple cheerleaders that help me celebrate the victories / successes, like this, that are bigger steps than they seem - thank you!).
  • I've taken care of myself, the dogs, and the house, while Jeremy has been out of the country.
  • I had an amazing time with loved ones for several days around my birthday last weekend - I truly enjoyed myself.
I'm going to try to start writing again. I'll forewarn that I'm still in a pretty bad place, in general (it's not 100% of the time, but I tend to feel the need and pouring of words in some of my darkest and most painful times... so, that's when I write). I want and need to be open and honest about the pain and emotions I'm having (especially the ones I try so hard to hide from the world), so it may be rough going for a while. My hope is that by sharing them, I can take some of their hold and power away.

2 comments:

  1. Jamie, Oh yay! I have missed your writing!! I am SO proud of you for sharing this! Some of what you wrote I can identify with because I couldn't write for a long while either because of depression/anxiety-- not even to journal. I understand what that means, being a person who expresses oneself through writing and not even being able to get that out because anxiety has frozen you or depression has dropped a veil. I could not finish a post of the life of me. Good for you for posting things that you may not feel are finished. I love reading them. My heart goes out to you sweetie! You have been through so much! I am sorry for the loss of your grandmother and know J being away has been excruciating along with the difficult situation with your sweet dogs. I wish I could give you a big hug. I see how clearly we both have been/are going through things and just couldn't/can't be there for each other like we want because we were/are struggling ourselves. But that doesn't mean we don't care about each other. I'll always be here for you my friend. I thank God for you and praying that he sustain you. Love you bunches.

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    1. Kelly, thank you for your kind words and enthusiasm. I know that you can understand these struggle, all too well. Please know that you're on my heart and mind so often, and I hold you closely in my prayers. Love you, my dear sweet friend.

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