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What I write on this site is my own, and if it is someone else's, I take special care to attribute it to the original author. So, please don't use any of my material without proper attribution or permission. Thanks.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Lessons: Finding Joy

I've come so far in being able to feel true happiness for others and the things that are happening in their lives, but sometimes I find it so very difficult. It makes me feel guilty, and I hate being unable to share in their joy.

Since my accident, I've struggled with feeling like everyone else is moving forward, while I just seem to stay in place... stagnant. Sometimes, everything seems to be happening around me, while I remain on the sidelines. A good friend of mine described it as being on a treadmill - constantly walking, but never really getting anywhere.

I love that people are doing well. I think the world would be a horribly miserable place, if everyone was living in chronic pain. I also love being able to share in other people's lives, and I want people to be able to tell me anything, not having to "walk on eggshells" with me. But, it's sometimes heart-wrenching. When people talk to me about their hopes, dreams, goals, and achievements, it can be hard for me... especially if these things are similar to what my own hopes, dreams, and goals have been / are.

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,
whenever you face trials of many kinds,
because you know that the testing of your faith
produces perseverance.
Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be
mature and complete, not lacking anything"
(James 1:2-4)
I struggle with jealousy of people's lives because of what they're able to do that I can't. There are some things that I simply can no longer do. I'm coming to peace with some of the limitations that I have (not in a roll-over-and-let-the-illness-win way, but just accepting that there are limitations and trying to live the best life I can despite them). But, I haven't formed any hopes and dreams for my future with this disease. I don't know what's in my future, much less how to get there. So, seeing others move into areas that I have a passion for (and used to be very prepared to do) can be hard to swallow sometimes.

The struggle, guilt, and jealousy may not always be so strong as to bring me sadness; but I think they're always there, lurking in the background. I don't want to feel these things, especially not so strongly. I truly am grateful for all that I have. But, sometimes I just want to scream "WHY?!" Why does it seem that no matter what I do, there's no reprieve? I just feel so weary and worn down from the constant battle.

Sharing About Migraine

I try my best to be very open about my life with migraine disease... at least here on my blog.

I open up to those loved ones that I trust 100%, but most of my conversation about how I'm doing with migraine disease are pretty superficial. I try to pay close attention, and if someone is asking questions and seems truly interested in learning more about my experiences and/or about migraine disease, I become an open book. I've learned so much through all of this (and I'm still learning), and I'm happy to share that with people that really want to know more.

I've always been able to open up more through my writing, but it's been a BIG step to put it out there and allow others into my world. Since I started this blog two years ago, I've been greatly blessed with a caring and supportive audience. Thanks to the fact that I've been met here with open arms, it's been much easier to allow myself to be more vulnerable than I would normally allow myself to be to others. And, it's so freeing!

I can't tell you how good it feels to be able to share my journey, and it's a bonus that my words and journey have helped others along the way. My faith gives me hope of better days, regardless of whether or not that includes chronic pain. It fills me up, and I can't help but share with others. Of course, I still struggle. But, I know that my God is watching over and working through me. It is only through Him that my words bring hope to others.
I Hope...
I hope for love, joy and laughter.
I hope we'll have more than we'll ever need.
I hope we'll have more happy ever afters.
I hope we can all live more fearlessly and we can lose all the pain & misery.
I hope, I hope.