Monday, October 11, 2010
I feel like my life can go in any one of a number of directions; but to simplify my confusion and dilemma, I'll describe it as a for in the road (with two different paths). While life has many crossroads, this one is different... I feel like I don't have much of a choice or say in which path my life will go down - either the treatment works or it doesn't (i.e., either my chronic pain continues to greatly impact my life or it doesn't).
1) One path is clearer to see than the other. Though there would be numerous opportunities and directions for me to go... I see myself as a wife and mother (and daughter and sister) - actively participating in activities and in each others' lives. I am a writer and work mainly from home, so that I can spend time with my precious family. I am also active with the local church and part of a woman's church group. I am able to live my life with relatively little pain, and feel open to opportunities as they present themselves in my life.
2) The other path is less clear - it's darker and almost blurry/fuzzy. It's scary to even think about. My role isn't easy to see. How well will I be able to cope with chronic illness? Will I be able to be an active participant in my own life? Will I feel like I'm contributing to my family and my friends in any real way? This path is full of questions and fear, pain and worry, confusion and chaos.
So, I find myself with a wonderful possibility of a life with much less pain, but the treatment may or may not work for me (I will know in a little over a week whether or not it works for me... both exciting and scary). Thus, I find myself in a state of waiting. My faith is slightly shaken, but it is in the Lord. I pray that He gives me the courage and the patience to trust for and wait for His timing.